"Crazy - Filled to Overflowing with Adventure, Risk, and Emotion"

June 14, 2013

I sit here and stare at my computer screen. My eyes just want to close. How to pray, what to pray, nothing is clear – just a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings and an overwhelming sense of tiredness. The last two days haven’t been bad, just busy – filled with good things, things that needed done, but maybe filled too full. I’ve spent a lot of time with my husband side-by-side, but we haven’t gotten a lot of face-to-face time, and I miss that. I’m really excited about our date night tonight.

I feel like I’ve failed a lot over the past two days – for one thing, my practical preparedness has been lacking immensely (forgetting Noah’s bed, forgetting to pump up the volleyball, failing to plan out what we need for the day resulting in rushed, hurried, stressful mornings). Quadrant two has been neglected. And I need to get back to a level of functioning that allows me to prioritize the most important things in order to live a smoother day.

Thoughts are still jumbled.  I want to pray for my family. I want to submit this day to You. I want to discover exactly what it is on my heart this morning, and I want you to take control of the deep places, the scary corners that I don’t understand.

For a while, I feel like You’ve been doing a great work in my life. Helping me to focus on gratefulness, service, walking in the Spirit. The walking itself does not eliminate the chaos of the day, but helps me to learn how to react and respond to it differently than I used to. I don’t think this matched up with my original picture of walking in the Spirit. I had the sense that if I were to be walking step by step with You, my life would miraculously transform into this bed of roses and everything would be walking on sunshine. My problems would disappear and any circumstances that were not ideal would be swept into glorious graces.

Reality has shown me that the truth of the matter is that life is hard, and when we are walking with the Spirit, sometimes life gets harder. What I mean is that our enemy doesn’t like to see us learning how to live like Christ. If we are going to be believers, he wants to keep us as complacent and minimally effective as possible.   If there’s one thing he hates more than a Christ Follower, it’s a Christ Follower on Fire!

Part of me might want to get discouraged, say walking with the spirit is too much work. I’m encountering more trials now than I ever did when I wasn’t trying as hard. Life was easier when I was just coasting. But what is coasting? Just waiting for the end? What kind of life is that?

If I really want to LIVE and I mean LIVE this life to the fullest, experiencing each moment as a gift that it is and giving all the glory back to God, I have to be willing to struggle, suffer, sacrifice. Ken Davis puts it this way, ... And a life that is truly alive is not “safe, comfortable, passive, and predictable, but crazy—filled to overflowing with adventure, risk, and emotion.”  That’s the kind of life I want to be living.

So I choose right now the struggle. Lord, I know nothing comes my way unless it is sifted through your fingers first, and you have already provided the grace that I need to make it through each moment.

I choose right now to suffer because in suffering, we are made aware of our weaknesses and if we persevere, we come out on the other side stronger. In this world I will have trouble, but I will take heart for my Savior has already overcome the world.

And I choose right now sacrifice because that’s what You chose for me. You paid the ultimate price to call me your child, and You are deserving of every ounce of strength I have every single day for the rest of my life. I will give You my best! I will give You my heart even if it costs me my life! Because that’s the life I want – one that is fully alive (the only way I can be truly alive) in You!

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The Elusive Hum of the Refrigerator

June 11^th, 2013 (just after lunch)

 

Chaos – that’s what the last hour and a half has been. Pure Chaos. I got Noah down for his morning nap and proceeded to complete medicine boxes so that wouldn’t be riding on my shoulders when Oliver was here. About 2/3 of the way through (with Gabriel vying for my attention the entire time) Noah woke up screaming bloody murder. Eli asked if he could go talk to him. I said sure, just not to get in his bed. Next thing I know, Gabriel was in the room as well – trying to entertain Noah by throwing toys in his bed …. Where one of the toys obviously hit Noah on the head making him scream even harder.

I retrieved the infant one and returned to the gated office to try to finish up these medicine boxes. The whole time, Noah proceeded to whine and babble about how much he was put off. I finished up as quickly as I could and put the boxes back in the locked closet before heading upstairs to make sandwiches for the boys and myself. I laid Noah on the changing table talking to him as I went. I whipped together the peanut-butter-laden bread with sticky purple jam and cut a pepper. Summoning the boys to the table, I plopped the plates down and strapped the little one in. I thanked God rather rashly before rushing off to the bathroom, closing the door to muffle the screams of the baby. “God I need grace!!!” Noah had been screaming the entire time I was making food and had a very difficult time calming in order to nurse. Several times, he worked himself up again and started the tears all over – there was nothing I could do to comfort him.

About the time he finally did calm, Gabe started screaming for more of something and would not be consoled from across the room. I lumbered into the kitchen with the baby still suckling. I had Gabe start counting – which he did, but as whiny as he could muster. I struggled to fill the sippy and attach the lid with one hand, but finally managed. Then I took Noah to the nursery to finish nursing and lay him down.

Once he was down, I tackled Gabe – too far gone to be worth pushing the rest of his lunch, Gabe accepted my arms and we washed his hands and face. A quick prayer later, he was in bed with a book. Music, kisses, and goodnight.

Eli headed downstairs with his toys and we set him up in the office where I noticed Gabe was screaming again. This time he was frantic because he couldn’t find his “ball ball” blanket. Once I reminded him that he had put it under his pillow early this morning, he settled down pretty easily and fell asleep quickly. I walked out of his room, paused and sighed. All I could hear was the refrigerator humming – what bliss! I finished making my salad and headed out to the screen porch where I started working on this. All too soon, it seemed, little nephew was here.

I took a break from my processing and welcomed him, helping him get settled with toys. I folded most of a load of laundry before Noah started screaming yet again – it was as if he were terrified. I stopped with the laundry and went to pick him up where he startled Gabriel into an awake state who also started screaming, and when I went in to comfort him with the infant one, I shut the door so the nephew wouldn’t come in and he also started screaming….3 at once. What happened to my blissful hum of the refrigerator? I could no longer hear it!

I calmed Gabe, put Noah in the wrap, found new toys for Oliver. Finally, not all screaming. Then I hear my name – from a familiar 3-year-old in the basement. “Can I be done resting?” No, of course you cannot be done my brain thought. It’s only been 30 minutes and I’ve had my fill of being needed!!! I walked downstairs where I explained the situation in a 3-year-old logic. Coming back up, I looked around. My heart was pounding. My breathing was rapid. All I wanted to do was crawl in a dark hole with ear plugs and a cup of coffee and sip until I woke up from this awful dream. I haven’t felt that much panic in a long time.

I’ve felt so distracted all day. Mainly Case Management stuff and looking at the big picture of the next week – feeling like I haven’t gotten the down time I need nor the time with my husband. Freaking out over forgetting the busy days to come, wanting desperately just to tell everyone no and eliminate everything from my schedule. I hate busyness! Part of me began to wonder if I am in a season of life right now where I need to do some of that? My kids are at such a critical stage, and I know how easily I can become overwhelmed (though I haven’t felt it like this in a couple months.)

Surprisingly, I didn’t react like I used to. It all boiled up inside, but none of it seeped out. I looked up. I asked for grace and the strength to walk in the spirit. And he came. It wasn’t a miraculous change. Really, I didn’t even notice much of a shift. But the still small voice said “It’s okay, I’m here.” And that seemed to make it much better.

I still feel a little overwhelmed, and my heart aches for time and space and maybe even the opportunity to cry for a bit, but I know that here in this tough moment, He is here with me. I am not alone. And It will all be okay!

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My Boys are People Too

I would like to take a moment to express a couple of things before I continue in this post.

1) I want to apologize for some of my blog posts coming across as complaining. That is not my intent at all. These are my journal entries of my prayers, the way I talk to God as my friend and Father. They are raw, they are emotional. But God beckons me to "Pour out my heart" to Him. (Psalm 62). That's what I do. He already knows what is there, and it doesn't make a lot of sense to try to put on a front for God when he can find me even on the highest mountain or in the depths of the sea and knows the words before they are even on my tongue (Psalm 139.) If I were to edit the rawness, I would be a hypocrite. I am not here to flaunt failures, but to be authentic and real and honest.

2) These posts are about a month behind the current dates. This is for two reasons: a) this is how I also share my heart with my husband and we make sure we are on the same page in a lot of ways. With that being said, he is deserving of my heart before I share it with others, so as we sit down and share journals with one another, then I am freed to share them online. b) keeping some distance between what I was dealing with and what I am currently dealing with frees me to continue to allow Christ to work on my heart as he sees fit and not feel pressured to "learn something today just so I can share it on my blog."

I would love for you to continue to join me on this journey of discovery and delight. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to let me know.

Blessings on you!

June 7, 2013

 

To think of my sons as people, man, I have failed in that way. I’ve thought of them as my sons, as boys, as children, as subordinates, as minors who need taught, trained, honed, and loved. Yet, I have not given much thought (at least in a true, conscious way) to their being made in the image of our amazing God as a dynamic person – they have a body, yes, but they also have a mind, a will, emotions, a spirit, etc. Lord, Forgive me!

I think at times I have been aware of their spiritual needs to an extent, but I continue to fail to pray for them like they so desperately need me to – and right now, more than ever, I am starting to realize the spiritual battle that is waging for my little boy’s hearts. Father, give me the strength, the armor, and the passion and focus to pray for my sons and battle for them on my knees.

In addition, they have motives, desires, and deep hearts – and as such have a need to be understood. Lord, help me learn to ask the right questions and to really listen. I want to become students of my children. I don’t know them, but you do. Help me learn to know them.

I know life cannot be always fun and games, but so much recently, I have been so busy. Too busy! I haven’t been the mother these boys need. Sometimes, I feel like I am needed deeply in the nursing/baby stage then as they grow and get more independent, I am no longer needed and I loose some of my passion to care for them. The mundane aspects of life (feeding, diapers, naps, etc.) wears on me and I feel like it is just something else to get through to make it through the day rather than a true need they have and a way to meet them.

Father, I feel like I have failed so much as a mother, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I don’t want to become careless and let other things slip that would affect my family in other ways, but I also want to be here, and to let you live through me here and now. I need you, God. I cannot mother on my own. I don’t know my kids and I don’t know how to get to know them, but you do. Give me wisdom. You tell me that I can ask that of you and you will give it. I trust your promise. Help me to look and listen for that wisdom today and to walk in step with you. May my eyes be fixed on you today and my heart locked into your will and not my own. I love you, papa!

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Giving Thanks and "Giving" Thanks

May 31, 2013

I don’t even know where to start this morning. I feel anger. I feel sadness. I feel alone. I feel overwhelmed. I feel exhausted. And in the same moment, I don’t feel like I’m allowed to feel any of those things – yet neither can I be strong. Mixed messages confusing the heart and causing the tears to fall (maybe I should just schedule crying time into every day right now) Finding the heart is deep, overwhelming, rushing mad emotion that I don’t know what to do with…

Eucharisteo is giving thanks – “giving thanks” – being the blessing in addition to being grateful for the blessing. He took up the towel and the basin and gave thanks and washed the disciples feet encouraging them to go and do likewise. It was a dirty job, one only fit for the lowest of slaves – yet, our Savior, perfect and holy and deserving of honor, humbled himself and knelt at the feet of his followers to show them how to “give thanks” to others. It is only in being emptied that we can be truly filled.

 

Father, you must know and understand, better than anyone else, how living this eucharisteo life is beyond hard – it is impossible without your spirit’s guidance and daily step with you. Humility, Service, Gratitude – just a few aspects that characterize this life. Seeing you in the faces, and maybe if I could, the “Giving thanks” would come easier as I were kneeling to be a blessing to you.

Show me the basin and the towel today, Papa. I humble myself before you and I long to see my work as service to you and those around me. Help me learn what it means to “give thanks” today. May I follow your perfect example in washing the feet of those around me and being the blessing in their lives.

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Jericho's Wall

May 25, 2013

Living out of the deepest parts of my heart in today’s world is really difficult. One of the reasons I believe it is so hard to live fully alive is due to the evil that is so prevalent and the fear that surrounds my heart and soul. Be guarded. Watch out for bad guys. Always be alert. Protect yourself. Fists up and ready to fight. Soul words of life in this jaded world. And that’s not at all original design. God destined us for something so much deeper – intimacy with Him!

 

Someone once said that if you break that word down “in-to-me-see” it makes a lot more sense. But when my heart and soul is surrounded by Jericho’s wall, how can anyone see in? I guess it takes a scout – can I be my own, or do I need someone else? A scout must come in, scale the wall, climb over, and start searching for what is really there – behind the fearful faces, underneath the armor, in the inner locked chambers. Then take report back to the captain. When he hears the report, decisions must be made about how to start tearing down the walls…Do you fight them possibly creating more fear in the heart? Do you march silently? Do you blow trumpets? Do you kneel to pray? When the walls start to tumble, chaos may ensue, and when they finally reach the ground, the heart must be cradled. As reassurance of safety returns, the boulders and rubble can begin to be cleaned and put away – hopefully never to be rebuilt.

 

It’s a fortress for sure – not just a stick and mud kind of wall. It’s been learned from wounds and fears of wounds. My safety is in my hardness. Yet once again, I feel unwhole. Broken. Though encompassed around, I feel vulnerable. Build it higher, be on guard, watch out, be afraid, you may get hurt. But no matter what, it never seems to be enough. I feel empty and full to exploding at the same time. I feel longing and fear in the same moment. I was made for so much more – for life, not death. To breathe, not suffocate. For relationship, not isolation.

 

Lord, I’m ready to be free from Jericho’s fear – take me back to Eden where I can be naked and unashamed (I wonder if that word also means without fear?) Thank you that you created me with a heart that’s meant to be known. Help me to know it well and to trust your protection of both my heart and my life.

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Rainbow Colors

After Mother's Day and my processing (or start of processing) of where I was, I began to seek more desperately to know what it really meant to live fully alive even amidst the chaos. Here is a piece of my heart...

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.The caption beneath my sketch: "Too many Rainbow colors for my fingers to touch all at once - and they meld into a meaningless muddle of mixed brown as one vibrant hue weeps into another. The monotone mirrors monotony. Each color no longer appreciated for what it is - hurry fades the glory of the moment, the richness of the here and now. Oh, how I long to see the bold beauty of red and take crisp delight in the cheerfulness of yellow. Father, train my toddler hands in careful enjoyment."

Life to Life and Heart to Heart

It has been quite a while since I've written on this blog. And for some time now, I have been wanting to share what God has been doing in my heart and life this spring. I've been on a journey of what it really means to live in the Spirit - to walk, moment by moment in His presence: To live fully.

Saint Irenaeus made a famous statement: "The glory of God is man fully alive." And that's the journey I've been on - discovering what it is to live fully in His presence, each moment, each day. I'm still on this journey, and I would like to take you with me.

I had been debating writing blog posts about my experiences and what I'm learning, but I don't think I can embellish it any more than my heart has already expressed it. The best way to speak to a life is with a life; the best way to speak to a heart is a heart. So, if you will allow me, I would like to share my journal/prayers with you so you can see what God has been doing in my heart - my struggles, my triumphs, my deep emotion. Warning: some of this is raw, but I know that transparency and openness opens the doors for greater growth.

Over the next several days, these posts may be a little longer as I am trying to catch you up on the last few months of journal entries. I pray that your heart is challenged as my heart has been. Blessings on you!

Journal (starting Mother's day 2013)

 

May 12, 2013

 MOTHERS DAY! And I really wanted to even avoid getting this time alone for my heart in the first place. It’s just too overwhelming. Nothing even makes sense how I could ever reconcile who I am and who I feel I should be….Thinker, future planner, organizer, doer…. Or present, in tune, involved, fully alive. They seem opposite and scream for each their own way. The pull between the two nearly ripping my heart in two right now. Demands, demands from my own needs, demands from my kids, demands from life – both controllable and uncontrollable. Some things I can make fit, barely. But what about all the others that threaten my very existence?
 

No longer bound to the law – but to love. How many times do I choose not to act in love each day… Love God, first and foremost. Love others. But I almost err on loving myself – and that’s not love to either God or others. But then I ask the question – Doing budget, and paying bills – who is that loving? Is it merely a necessary evil? A demand on my time that has no morality or reward? What about if I didn’t complete those things because I wanted to use that time to “love” those around me …. When the electricity, gas, and hot water go because we cannot afford them, and we have no food on the table because we cannot afford it….who is that loving then? So it does have its place, but what about when Eli and Gabe are vying for my attention and I just need to get it done so that I can play with them, read to them, or get them something else to eat. How do I communicate the importance of what I’m doing to such little minds. And when I’m interrupted 12 times in an hour, it takes so much longer to even get done.
 

 So then back to the main question. Who am I? Who did God create me to be? Surely they can be reconciled!!! God would not create something impossible. He has a special plan, a special purpose, and I want so badly to live up to that full potential. But how?
 

 I feel I repetitively ask this question. So what am I missing?
 

 I try to fit in big rocks first – but what if You have too many?  The handles of the pack just keep breaking. If I cannot figure out how to carry simply my big rocks, how can I keep carrying everyone else's? Even if they are little ones, I cannot carry them if my pack is dysfunctional.
 

 What’s the secret? I know it’s not merely planning, organizing, and thinking…some of it has to be deeper – trust, listening, waiting, walking, stepping, thanking, being. How do you learn each of these things if you’ve never been taught.

 

 

 I really never had a good example of that kind of lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I had great parents, but they didn’t know how to BE well. They did a great job planning, thinking and doing. But being, what is just being? I know that cannot be one’s mentality at all times, but how do you adapt that mentality if you’ve never been shown?

 

5/13/13

Father, I’m torn. I read Rachel’s blog about all of the weight that she has lost and kept off, and I too, want to go on some radical, body cleansing, diet to lose weight fast. But I know in my heart, my purpose for that rapid weight loss would be for my own benefit – the way I feel about my body and the way that others look at me. In my heart, I also know that my body is your temple, yet I haven’t been treating it as such recently. Though I’ve been doing some workouts and eating somewhat healthy, I’ve continued to go to eating first when I am emotional or tired. I’ve filled my house with sweets and felt like a victim that must consume them so that they will be gone and I can start over again. I’ve become a slave to that which I worship. Food. Body image. Exercise. There’s this ambiguous thought of the perfect weight and body that I should be, and really, my focus has been on that rather than my heart before you and my submission to your will when it comes to my body and mind.
 

 Lord, I am not my own. I am bought with a price, created in your image to be like Christ Jesus. I have been given his Mind. I have direct communion with the Head, and I want to grow as you have created me to grow – in my heart, my emotions, my mind, and my body. I confess that I haven’t been living in the freedom of the Spirit – I’ve been living according to some sort of rules and regulations (what my body should look like, be capable of, and human ideas of nutrition – or rather weight loss strategies.)
 

 The weight is not my problem – my focus is. I long to understand the way you created my body. For you created both it and food. You created nutritional systems to be utilized to their fullest potential, and I long to grasp that. You’ve also created my mind. Give me wisdom as I search for your best. Help me to understand that my focus should be on your glorification in my Body and not my glorification. Forgive me for my selfish, idolatrous focus. Help me to fix my eyes on you!



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