Continuing the Conversation: Chaos Costs . . .

My husband and I kept having these discussions of how it felt like life should be easier than it was. Transition from one thing/event/activity to another seemed to take three times the amount of time that it should. Where was all our margin going? It wasn’t like we scheduled everything down to the second. This problem was becoming a monster that was eating all our time and decreasing the possibility of white space in our lives in order to be still before God, rest in his presence, and quiet our hearts and our souls.

So we’ve been on this journey of simplifying, and as I look back, I see several things we’ve learned through the process of eliminating chaos from our lives:

Chaos costs time

From finding the right shirt stuck on the bottom of ten others, digging through the closet for the right pair of shoes, and pulling out the skirt you want only to find it wrinkled, too many clothes cost time.

Lost keys, misplaced phone, the search for the book loaned from a friend. Lack of order and routine costs time.

Decide what to eat, decide what to wear, decide which activity to do with the kids. Lack of a plan costs time.

Chaos costs money

Buying duplicates because the food item was shoved in the back of the pantry, forgetting I bought those shorts for the boys on sale last summer and getting new ones this spring. Too much to keep organized costs money.

Bought too much food, or simply forgot it was there. Food goes bad before its eaten. Lack of a plan costs money.

So many toys neglected, ignored or broken. Too many to choose from, none of which are favorites. Quantity decreases the value of quality. Lack of value costs money.

Chaos costs energy

Little nick knacks on a shelf that have to be dusted around (that you may not even like or remember where they came from.) Stuffing those last few items into the dresser. Digging through the toolbox to find that screwdriver.  Managing stuff costs energy.

“What’s for dinner?” “What are we doing today?” “Can I play at Suzie’s house?” Questions constantly coming. Brain spinning. No idea how to answer. Unknowns costs energy.

Too much going on to stay on top of cleaning. Bathrooms that require extra elbow grease. Dishes piled in the sink. Mount Laundry. Busyness and not being able to stay on top of things costs energy.

Chaos cost us emotionally and physically and spiritually

No time for first things, priorities, time with God. No time for sleep. No time for workouts. No time to prepare nutritious meals. Not enough time for family or friends. Not having abilities to fill our bucket and live the abundant life. Life seems crazy and out of control. Emotions swing from anxiety to depression. Our hearts grow weak. Our bodies grow weary. Our souls shrivel. Big rocks not put in firsts costs us. Oh, it costs us so much!

Practical and Simple Ways we are Fighting Chaos

• -          Scheduling time with God and with one another as priority (our big rocks)
• -          Eliminating superfluous items from our home (disliked nick knacks, extra clothing, overabundance of toys, duplicate items in the kitchen or workshop)
• -          Setting a routine for cleaning and maintenance (maybe not every week, but things happen in a rotation or loop so that they happen regularly)
• -          Having a daily plan for eating (we eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch on each day of the week – and the boys know what to expect. I plan monthly for dinners with a five-week rotation of dinner menus. This simplifies my grocery shopping as well as I know exactly what I need.)

Overall, the thing that I’m learning most right now is that I cannot allow the mentality of “simplifying” to take the place of Christ in my life. Idolatry of the heart and mind can happen so subtly, and I could easily make this “lifestyle” my savior. I am being challenged as we make decisions about items to get rid of or changes to our schedule to make sure I am seeking Christ first and asking him to lead my heart in surrender.

What are some practical ways you are fighting chaos in your home and heart in order to regain the ability to be still before God?

Continuing the Conversation: Simplicity

I heard him speaking quietly to my heart. You know, that still small voice that so easily gets lost among the chaos of everyday living.

My husband had lovingly sent me out for a few hours of processing time. Being just over 2 months postpartum from the birth of my fourth son, I was understandably overwhelmed. But I had gotten to a point that I couldn’t even think straight. I knew my heart had longings – longings to be more, to be enough actually – because I so often felt like I failed. But I wasn’t even sure what those were any more.

So I took the time, coffee, quiet, good music and my Bible. And I sought God. I asked questions. Lots. I was silent much of the time. And when it finally came through, His voice was crystal clear. “Be still and know, Hannah. Be still and know that I am God.” It seemed like such a simple answer – should be easy, right? But as a stay at home mom of four boys, I never. Stopped. Moving! How could I ever be still?

I started seeking, analyzing, and trying to understand the root of all the motion. The word “simplify” seemed to continue to surface throughout my studies. But what did I really have to simplify? We had a garage sale the year before, and I really felt like I had cleaned out well at that point. And even though my schedule felt “busy,” at that point, my kids had not ECA’s and other that Wednesday nights, we were home almost all the time. I fought the idea at first. I’m not a rich person. We don’t have the biggest house, and I sure don’t have too much stuff. But then why was I always feeling so suffocated and unable to focus?

My husband came home from work one day with a story of a couple who had a very nice couch they loved but had no place for in their home. So they rented a storage unit and paid monthly to have it stored there in case one day they may want to bring it back into their home. Years later, they went to retrieve it – and finding it moth eaten and unusable, they grieved the loss and realized their mistake of hanging on to something for “what if” had cost them more in money, time, thought, and energy than it had potentially benefited them.

God immediately began to bring to mind different items around my home that I had stashed or stored just in case I may need it sometime. He raised the question in my mind, “Hannah, because you are hanging onto that dress, that bedding, those dishes, the baby gear, are you trusting in your possessions more than you are trusting in me? Are you turning your stuff into your ‘savior’?”

Scripture is pretty clear that we should have no other gods (Exodus 20:3) and that we should love the Lord our God first and most (Matthew 22:37). In maintaining and finding storage for all these extras that I didn’t know if or when I would need again, I was not only taxing my management ability, my ability to focus, and my chaos meter, but I was also putting those items in place of God in certain parts of my life. When I found myself saying, “I cannot live without this.” I was saying that I was in control, and I had to stay in control to guarantee my future. My stuff and my own control were subtly seeping onto the throne of my heart.

As I began the slow process of weeding out these extras. These items of idolatry in my life, I found out my heart was more deceitful than I first thought. I uncovered areas of both pride and fear. I found myself constantly pendulum swinging from “contentment” (not godly contentment – prideful contentment in my possessions and how I compared to the world around me) or consumerism (aka: fear that if I didn’t have, didn’t buy, didn’t own certain things, I would be less than, undesirable, or not measure up in some way to the world around me.

No one can serve both God and money (Matthew 6:24). And that is exactly what I was doing. When I was emotional, I would shop. When I had free time, I would shop. I didn’t think it was a bad thing because I would find good bargains and stay within my budget, but what I had failed to see was that my heart was devoted to my money, to my possessions, to my appearance rather than trusting God to provide exactly what I need and direct my heart to what was best.

I started with my clothing. I knew that if simplicity was a change I wanted to see in my home as a whole, I had to start with myself. My dresser was overflowing, closet stuffed, buckets in the basement. How could one person ever use so many clothes? I was disgusted with where I had wound up. After tackling my clothing, I went on to my books, decor, kitchen, linens and continued to move throughout my house. I found so many things that I didn’t even like taking up space and time to maintain that I was hanging onto just because it had been given to us. I found myself even irritated with some of these items. Why not just get rid of them? They don’t serve a purpose…you don’t even like them. Yeah, but someone had spent some money or time on them, and if I got rid of them, I was afraid of what those people would think. And it made me feel guilty somehow. Then God whispered to my heart. “Hannah, are you fearing man more than you are fearing God? What if I asked you to get rid of it to make more space for me? Would you fear me more than them?”

Challenges, growth, and freedom have all come through this process of pursuing simplicity in order to make room to Be Still. One of the most freeing moments so far happened one day when I sat down with my to do list, overwhelmed at the amount of things left on it for the day. I brought it before God. I just don’t see how I’m going to get this all done. This is so overwhelming! “Hannah,” He quietly whispered back. “Your expectations of yourself are higher than my expectations are of you. Let it go.” A weight lifted as I looked back at my list and realized that of the nine things left there, only two were necessary for that day and four I could eliminate all together just by freeing myself of my own expectations and choosing to live within God’s expectations for my day.

Simplicity: this journey that God has had me on for the last twelve months has begun to free me to know who God is, to understand who I am as a result of it, to the interrelationship of how I interact with the world around me and the stillness or chaos of my own heart. This journey to simplify, to still my heart and to be. To Be here. Be still. And know. That HE IS GOD!

I would love to hear how God is directing your journey or any lessons you've been learning about who God is and who you are in the midst of learning to be still...

The Elusive Hum of the Refrigerator

June 11^th, 2013 (just after lunch)

 

Chaos – that’s what the last hour and a half has been. Pure Chaos. I got Noah down for his morning nap and proceeded to complete medicine boxes so that wouldn’t be riding on my shoulders when Oliver was here. About 2/3 of the way through (with Gabriel vying for my attention the entire time) Noah woke up screaming bloody murder. Eli asked if he could go talk to him. I said sure, just not to get in his bed. Next thing I know, Gabriel was in the room as well – trying to entertain Noah by throwing toys in his bed …. Where one of the toys obviously hit Noah on the head making him scream even harder.

I retrieved the infant one and returned to the gated office to try to finish up these medicine boxes. The whole time, Noah proceeded to whine and babble about how much he was put off. I finished up as quickly as I could and put the boxes back in the locked closet before heading upstairs to make sandwiches for the boys and myself. I laid Noah on the changing table talking to him as I went. I whipped together the peanut-butter-laden bread with sticky purple jam and cut a pepper. Summoning the boys to the table, I plopped the plates down and strapped the little one in. I thanked God rather rashly before rushing off to the bathroom, closing the door to muffle the screams of the baby. “God I need grace!!!” Noah had been screaming the entire time I was making food and had a very difficult time calming in order to nurse. Several times, he worked himself up again and started the tears all over – there was nothing I could do to comfort him.

About the time he finally did calm, Gabe started screaming for more of something and would not be consoled from across the room. I lumbered into the kitchen with the baby still suckling. I had Gabe start counting – which he did, but as whiny as he could muster. I struggled to fill the sippy and attach the lid with one hand, but finally managed. Then I took Noah to the nursery to finish nursing and lay him down.

Once he was down, I tackled Gabe – too far gone to be worth pushing the rest of his lunch, Gabe accepted my arms and we washed his hands and face. A quick prayer later, he was in bed with a book. Music, kisses, and goodnight.

Eli headed downstairs with his toys and we set him up in the office where I noticed Gabe was screaming again. This time he was frantic because he couldn’t find his “ball ball” blanket. Once I reminded him that he had put it under his pillow early this morning, he settled down pretty easily and fell asleep quickly. I walked out of his room, paused and sighed. All I could hear was the refrigerator humming – what bliss! I finished making my salad and headed out to the screen porch where I started working on this. All too soon, it seemed, little nephew was here.

I took a break from my processing and welcomed him, helping him get settled with toys. I folded most of a load of laundry before Noah started screaming yet again – it was as if he were terrified. I stopped with the laundry and went to pick him up where he startled Gabriel into an awake state who also started screaming, and when I went in to comfort him with the infant one, I shut the door so the nephew wouldn’t come in and he also started screaming….3 at once. What happened to my blissful hum of the refrigerator? I could no longer hear it!

I calmed Gabe, put Noah in the wrap, found new toys for Oliver. Finally, not all screaming. Then I hear my name – from a familiar 3-year-old in the basement. “Can I be done resting?” No, of course you cannot be done my brain thought. It’s only been 30 minutes and I’ve had my fill of being needed!!! I walked downstairs where I explained the situation in a 3-year-old logic. Coming back up, I looked around. My heart was pounding. My breathing was rapid. All I wanted to do was crawl in a dark hole with ear plugs and a cup of coffee and sip until I woke up from this awful dream. I haven’t felt that much panic in a long time.

I’ve felt so distracted all day. Mainly Case Management stuff and looking at the big picture of the next week – feeling like I haven’t gotten the down time I need nor the time with my husband. Freaking out over forgetting the busy days to come, wanting desperately just to tell everyone no and eliminate everything from my schedule. I hate busyness! Part of me began to wonder if I am in a season of life right now where I need to do some of that? My kids are at such a critical stage, and I know how easily I can become overwhelmed (though I haven’t felt it like this in a couple months.)

Surprisingly, I didn’t react like I used to. It all boiled up inside, but none of it seeped out. I looked up. I asked for grace and the strength to walk in the spirit. And he came. It wasn’t a miraculous change. Really, I didn’t even notice much of a shift. But the still small voice said “It’s okay, I’m here.” And that seemed to make it much better.

I still feel a little overwhelmed, and my heart aches for time and space and maybe even the opportunity to cry for a bit, but I know that here in this tough moment, He is here with me. I am not alone. And It will all be okay!

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