June 11th, 2013 (just after lunch)
Chaos – that’s what the last hour and a half has been. Pure
Chaos. I got Noah down for his morning nap and proceeded to complete medicine
boxes so that wouldn’t be riding on my shoulders when Oliver was here. About
2/3 of the way through (with Gabriel vying for my attention the entire time)
Noah woke up screaming bloody murder. Eli asked if he could go talk to him. I
said sure, just not to get in his bed. Next thing I know, Gabriel was in the
room as well – trying to entertain Noah by throwing toys in his bed …. Where
one of the toys obviously hit Noah on the head making him scream even harder.
I retrieved the infant one and returned to the gated office
to try to finish up these medicine boxes. The whole time, Noah proceeded to
whine and babble about how much he was put off. I finished up as quickly as I
could and put the boxes back in the locked closet before heading upstairs to
make sandwiches for the boys and myself. I laid Noah on the changing table
talking to him as I went. I whipped together the peanut-butter-laden bread with
sticky purple jam and cut a pepper. Summoning the boys to the table, I plopped
the plates down and strapped the little one in. I thanked God rather rashly
before rushing off to the bathroom, closing the door to muffle the screams of
the baby. “God I need grace!!!” Noah had been screaming the entire time I was
making food and had a very difficult time calming in order to nurse. Several
times, he worked himself up again and started the tears all over – there was
nothing I could do to comfort him.
About the time he finally did calm, Gabe started screaming
for more of something and would not be consoled from across the room. I
lumbered into the kitchen with the baby still suckling. I had Gabe start
counting – which he did, but as whiny as he could muster. I struggled to fill
the sippy and attach the lid with one hand, but finally managed. Then I took
Noah to the nursery to finish nursing and lay him down.
Once he was down, I tackled Gabe – too far gone to be worth
pushing the rest of his lunch, Gabe accepted my arms and we washed his hands
and face. A quick prayer later, he was in bed with a book. Music, kisses, and
goodnight.
Eli headed downstairs with his toys and we set him up in the
office where I noticed Gabe was screaming again. This time he was frantic
because he couldn’t find his “ball ball” blanket. Once I reminded him that he
had put it under his pillow early this morning, he settled down pretty easily
and fell asleep quickly. I walked out of his room, paused and sighed. All I
could hear was the refrigerator humming – what bliss! I finished making my
salad and headed out to the screen porch where I started working on this. All
too soon, it seemed, little nephew was here.
I took a break from my processing and welcomed him, helping
him get settled with toys. I folded most of a load of laundry before Noah
started screaming yet again – it was as if he were terrified. I stopped with
the laundry and went to pick him up where he startled Gabriel into an awake
state who also started screaming, and when I went in to comfort him with the
infant one, I shut the door so the nephew wouldn’t come in and he also started
screaming….3 at once. What happened to my blissful hum of the refrigerator? I
could no longer hear it!
I calmed Gabe, put Noah in the wrap, found new toys for
Oliver. Finally, not all screaming. Then I hear my name – from a familiar
3-year-old in the basement. “Can I be done resting?” No, of course you cannot be done my brain thought. It’s only been 30 minutes and I’ve had my
fill of being needed!!! I walked downstairs where I explained the situation
in a 3-year-old logic. Coming back up, I looked around. My heart was pounding.
My breathing was rapid. All I wanted to do was crawl in a dark hole with ear
plugs and a cup of coffee and sip until I woke up from this awful dream. I
haven’t felt that much panic in a long time.
I’ve felt so distracted all day. Mainly Case Management
stuff and looking at the big picture of the next week – feeling like I haven’t
gotten the down time I need nor the time with my husband. Freaking out over
forgetting the busy days to come, wanting desperately just to tell everyone no
and eliminate everything from my schedule. I hate busyness! Part of me began to
wonder if I am in a season of life right now where I need to do some of that?
My kids are at such a critical stage, and I know how easily I can become
overwhelmed (though I haven’t felt it like this in a couple months.)
Surprisingly, I didn’t react like I used to. It all boiled
up inside, but none of it seeped out. I looked up. I asked for grace and the
strength to walk in the spirit. And he came. It wasn’t a miraculous change.
Really, I didn’t even notice much of a shift. But the still small voice said
“It’s okay, I’m here.” And that seemed to make it much better.
I still feel a little overwhelmed, and my heart aches for
time and space and maybe even the opportunity to cry for a bit, but I know that
here in this tough moment, He is here with me. I am not alone. And It will all
be okay!
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