1) I want to apologize for some of my blog posts coming across as complaining. That is not my intent at all. These are my journal entries of my prayers, the way I talk to God as my friend and Father. They are raw, they are emotional. But God beckons me to "Pour out my heart" to Him. (Psalm 62). That's what I do. He already knows what is there, and it doesn't make a lot of sense to try to put on a front for God when he can find me even on the highest mountain or in the depths of the sea and knows the words before they are even on my tongue (Psalm 139.) If I were to edit the rawness, I would be a hypocrite. I am not here to flaunt failures, but to be authentic and real and honest.
2) These posts are about a month behind the current dates. This is for two reasons: a) this is how I also share my heart with my husband and we make sure we are on the same page in a lot of ways. With that being said, he is deserving of my heart before I share it with others, so as we sit down and share journals with one another, then I am freed to share them online. b) keeping some distance between what I was dealing with and what I am currently dealing with frees me to continue to allow Christ to work on my heart as he sees fit and not feel pressured to "learn something today just so I can share it on my blog."
I would love for you to continue to join me on this journey of discovery and delight. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to let me know.
Blessings on you!
June 7, 2013
To think of my sons as people, man, I have failed in that
way. I’ve thought of them as my sons, as boys, as children, as subordinates, as
minors who need taught, trained, honed, and loved. Yet, I have not given much
thought (at least in a true, conscious way) to their being made in the image of
our amazing God as a dynamic person – they have a body, yes, but they also have
a mind, a will, emotions, a spirit, etc. Lord, Forgive me!
I think at times I have been aware of their spiritual needs
to an extent, but I continue to fail to pray for them like they so desperately
need me to – and right now, more than ever, I am starting to realize the
spiritual battle that is waging for my little boy’s hearts. Father, give me the
strength, the armor, and the passion and focus to pray for my sons and battle
for them on my knees.
In addition, they have motives, desires, and deep hearts –
and as such have a need to be understood. Lord, help me learn to ask the right
questions and to really listen. I want to become students of my children. I
don’t know them, but you do. Help me learn to know them.
I know life cannot be always fun and games, but so much
recently, I have been so busy. Too busy! I haven’t been the mother these boys
need. Sometimes, I feel like I am needed deeply in the nursing/baby stage then
as they grow and get more independent, I am no longer needed and I loose some
of my passion to care for them. The mundane aspects of life (feeding, diapers, naps,
etc.) wears on me and I feel like it is just something else to get through to
make it through the day rather than a true need they have and a way to meet
them.
Father, I feel like I have failed so much as a mother, and I
don’t really know where to go from here. I don’t want to become careless and
let other things slip that would affect my family in other ways, but I also
want to be here, and to let you live through me here and now. I need you, God.
I cannot mother on my own. I don’t know my kids and I don’t know how to get to
know them, but you do. Give me wisdom. You tell me that I can ask that of you
and you will give it. I trust your promise. Help me to look and listen for that
wisdom today and to walk in step with you. May my eyes be fixed on you today
and my heart locked into your will and not my own. I love you, papa!
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