I'm Giving Up

I loved the sensation of gaining speed down the runway then feeling my heart jump into my throat as the front wheels of the plane left the ground. I was floating. No, I was flying. I was actually doing it! I saw the airport below growing smaller as the nose of my plane pointed toward the open sky. Freedom filled my soul as doubts scurried away. Wow, flying really was possible! I was enthralled: "Tower, I'm doing it! I'm actually flying!"

My thoughts and excitement faded as quickly as they had arrived as I suddenly found myself in the middle of a thick thunder head. Darkness surrounded and encompassed. I could see nothing. I could hear nothing but the thunder that occasionally shook the plane. Tower had not responded. I looked down at my instruments which appeared to be holding steady - though that was no consolation as I still didn't completely understand each of their functions.

My heart raced, and panic began to set in. I feared I may have made a poor decision. Maybe the hanger was the better option - at least it would have been safer. My palms were sweaty, my breath was rapid, my eyes darted around the cocpit for the manual. Where was that book when I needed it? Alright, I thought, I'm going to have to figure this out on my own.

I played with the different switches and levers attempting to gain some sort of control over this monserous beast I was supposed to be flying. The planed jerked, rumbled, rolled, swiftly swung to the left side, and I saw a lightning bolt illuminate the darkness for a moment. I blinked, trying to readjust my eyes to the lack of light.

I am in control. No, I reconsidered that thought. I'm completely out of control! I have so much to do that I don't even know how to do! What was I thining? I'm all alone! The stress began to grow to a point of fear and the fear to a point of insanity. The plane is going to crash. I am going to die! I considered just accepting my fate, closing my eyes. Giving up.

I groped for the dome light so maybe I could see things better. There it is; I flipped it on. Light now filled the cockpit. There was the manual, right next to me all the time. I looked up to meet the eyes of my co-pilot. You could have picked my jaw up off the floor. "Wh...What? Why didn't you say anything? Let me know you were there? Something?" Now I was angry.

The Spirit looked at me with gentle eyes. "You didn't ask."

So many times I get caught up in striving and stress. My pride makes me think that I have too much to do. I am in control. I am all alone. Inevetably, I push God and others away - I don't ask for help. It's MY responsibility, right? So I get overwhelmed when I can't seem to get things right. The outcome doesn't go as expected - or I cannot see the end in sight. I want to give up! And that's exactly what the enemy wants - me giving up, growing complacent, never living the fruitful life for which I was created.

Ironically, that's the same thing God wants...me to give up. Give up trying to do it on my own. Give up the lies that I have accepted. Give up control to him and watch what he does to help me bear fruit - fruit that will last!

So either way, I surrender....the question is to whom!
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Lessons Learned from Lightning McQueen

Disney movies - who would have ever thought deep life lessons could be learned from such? Nonetheless, it happened....and to me, no less.

The other afternoon, my 2-year-old was enjoying himself while watching Cars and enjoying a snack. I was preoccupied with my 9-month-old and the laundry. Suddenly, something caught my ear. I turned to pay attention. The music had gotten serious and quieted. The little girl blue car, Sally had taken Lightening on a ride to the top of the gorge. Lightning's voice was filled with awe and reverence as he exclaimed how beautiful everything was below. He turned to glance back over his shoulder and posed a question to Sally: How come all those cars (referring to the ones flying by on the freeway) don't travel through radiator springs?

Sally sighed, and with a sad look, replied that there didn't used to be an interstate. When they decided to put it in, they cut through the landscape rather than rolling with its ebb and flow. Unfortunately, most of their perspective is on of making great time rather than having great time.

That's all I heart, and my brain started spinning: How many times do I go into efficiency mode - always looking for the quickest way to get something done. I cut through the landscape of life (whether it be mine or that of my husband's or sons') rather than enjoying the hills and valleys of the ride. Most times, my goal is to make great time rather than have a great time.

So I ask myself now, what might I be missing if I continue to bypass all of the little "towns" on this journey?

Lord, rescue me from my impatience and focus on the accomplishment rather than the process. Give me a heart and a love for the moment!
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Been There, Done That

What if you can't do it? What if it's not worth it? What if you crash?

What if...?

It's my turn to take the runway. But now, I'm not so sure I can do this. "Um, tower? This looks hard. I don't know if I want to do this any more. Maybe I should just turn around and be satisfied to park my plane in the hanger. Over." "But, Child, you can do this. I created you to do this, and I know you're going to do just fine. I've been there."

I shake my head. He just doesn't understand. Sure, he may have been in this pilot seat before and may have even experienced fear (He did become flesh just like me), but that's just not a fair comparison. I dare to speak my next thoughts out loud. "It's not the same. You had direct connection to the Chief Pilot. My goodness! You were his Son! Of course YOU could do it."

"Child," this time His response tender, words spoken direct and slow. "everything I had access to, you do as well."

That's the Holy Spirit. When Jesus returned to the Father, he left us the gift of the Counselor - His Spirit. So that we could always have direct access to Him just as He did to the Father. Christ, himself, was tempted to give up on the journey (See Luke 4). And we have been given the very same tools - Direct Access and the Manual.

So it's up to you. It's up to me. Will we choose to go forward? Or give into temptation to quit and be satisfied to sit in our chair in a dark hanger never experiencing the abundance of life Christ desires us to?

I'm game! Are you?



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Childlike in thought - in more ways than one.

This morning, my 7 month old was crying as he lay on the floor surrounded by toys of different shapes, sizes and colors. I had to get my 2-year-old some breakfast and get something to drink myself before picking him up to nurse him. I accomplished what I needed to and made my way over to him. Looking down at his pitiful face, I calmly stated. "Honey, I know your needs, and I WILL meet them."

As these words came out of my mouth, I started thinking . . . how many times does Christ speak through his Holy Spirit. "I know your needs. I WILL meet them." Yet I keep on just like my little boy, kicking, screaming, and wondering if He even knows I exist.

Then, the other day, our family was out in the snow for quite a while when my 2-year-old emphatically stated that he was cold and wanted to go home. My husband got down on his level and told him that we were going home. He just needed to trust Mommy and Daddy. What my son didn't realize was that we still had a three block walk to get back to the car. In his mind, we were keeping him out in the cold longer. In reality, we were heading back to our vehicle as quickly as possible to get out of the wind and get him home to get warm.

How many times do I keep whining when Christ is answering my request as I speak, but I don't trust him. I think, "Well, we're not home yet, so I guess he doesn't care to get me out of the cold."

This kind of trust - the trust that we long for our kids to have in us....that we love them, we know their needs, and we will meet them just as we promised.... is the same kind of "Childlike Trust" God wants us to have in Him.

That's why He has given us the Holy Spirit in the first place - to meet each of those needs. Luke Chapter 11 says that even you, though you are evil, give good gifts to your children. Will not God much more give the HOLY SPIRIT to those who ask?

Lord, I want to live and walk in your Holy Spirit today. Give me that childlike trust in you that you will do that which you've promised.

*Pictures of the day will only occasionally be posted here now - All are posted on my facebook page : )
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I reacted

It's been a long weekend. One that has, no less, been just as challenging as it has been lengthy. In the midst of it all, I have continued to learn and attempt to put into practice new lessons.


I got home from work Friday night to the announcement that my washing machine was broken. Immediately, my emotions flared as I realized how far behind I would be on laundry by Monday and the fact that both time and money were lacking in replacing the washer as quickly as I may wish. I rapidly entered a self-pity and blaming attitude and my husband was the recipient of the rush of words. Just a few minutes later, I heard that still small voice - the thin silence of the Spirit.


Hannah, you just reacted in the flesh to a circumstance in life. But I have empowered you to respond in My Spirit by letting My peace reign in your heart even in the midst of chaos. When you don't understand, trust that I do. I'm still in control.


In that moment, I realized that a dynamic difference exist between reacting and responding. When my eyes are focused on myself and the chaos and storms around me, my temper flares, I claim rights, walk in pride, stiff arm God, and alienate relationships around me. However, if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus (the author and perfecter of my faith), I will be given the grace in that moment of need to respond in his Spirit.


Note: this doesn't mean that I walk on "cloud nine" 24-7 pretending that life is fine and dandy amidst terrible things that happen. Life happens; life hurts. But by taking that hurt, my questions, and my emotions to God, I am given the ability to take that next step with the Spirit and see the fruit of Him working in my life - resulting in greater Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.


The Fruit is possible! I just have to remember that fruitfulness doesn't come from my own pursuit but by allowing Christ's Spirit to live in me.


My husband and I worked things out, and I got things right with God as well. Lord, thank you for forgiveness and grace to start again. Help me keep my eyes fixed on you and allow your Spirit to continue its work in my heart and life.



Picture of the Day

Yes, I continued taking pictures over the weekend, but didn't have time to post them - here they are...

Day 6: This is Elijah - He pressed his face to the window to show me his piggy nose :)

Day 7: Noticed this hand print on the mirror of my wardrobe. I was half tempted to clean it off, but then decided to capture it - realizing these little "nuisances" will be gone all too soon!

Day 8: My best friends today after only getting 4 hours of sleep!

Day 9: Some of a mother's most useful tools during the infant period! I use these multiple times a day.

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It's Kind of Like Amazing Race...

I have a lot on my heart today. Not a lot to say - but a lot on my heart.

I think I caught my son's puky bug. But it hit me in an emotional sense as I emotionally vomited all over my husband today. And this time it didn't miss. It was messy. He helped me clean it up, and I'm feeling a little better, but I'm still a little heart sick.

I've been attempting to discover the route of this expedition, and I'm starting to realize it's going to be more like Amazing Race than I first thought as each "clue" doesn't reveal the final destination, but just the next step. Sometimes, I wish I had a full course map, detours and all - but I guess that would take the element of trust away. Luke 12:12 puts it this way, "The Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say." (emphasis mine)

So I guess that's how I'll have to expect this journey to go - step by step.

Lord, help me stay in tune and in step with you, trusting that you know the final destination and you will lead me there in your time.

*I work this weekend - so I won't be blogging much. Look forward to talking to you in a few days!

Picture of the Day



Self portrait #1. One of my favorite companions to my study = my coffee!

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Clean Up On Row 7, Please!

4:45 AM - I'm awakened suddenly by a screaming child who twenty minutes later proceeded to projectile vomit all over me and my bed, narrowly missing my husband. And we're not talking a trickle - we're talking a geyser! (Sorry if that's too much information for some of you.)

Pass the barf bags - clean up on row seven, please!

Needless to say, this is not the way I anticipated my morning going. With this ill-planned interruption to my precious sleep, I did not get up at the planned time, and therefore, my whole morning was thrown off kilter. Ahhh! What a way to knock me back into stress mode - I mean, how am I supposed to learn to fly if I don't even have time to read the manual?

Where is the flight attendant? Co-pilot? Anyone? Ick!

I proceed to get cleaned up and move on with my day, rearranging priorities and reorganizing plans. This is not my day. As I sat down to do some Bible reading, I was feeling sorry for myself. I began to read in Luke 11. Jesus asks, "Which one of you, if your son ask for a fish will give him a scorpion? Or if he asks for bread will give him a stone?" In the same way, your father in heaven knows what you need before you ask him. (good, because I was needing something this morning) How much more will your Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask......Wait a minute - Rewind......I've always heard that passage paraphrased as "If you as parents give your kids good gifts, you know your heavenly father gives you good gifts too."

Apparently, this good gift is the greatest giver - that of the Holy Spirit. Wow! What a realization!

Lord, help me to be more focused on the giver then the gifts!

And by his grace, this "puky" day was turned around for His Glory!

Picture of the Day



New Recipe Wednesday! Tortellini with Gorgonzola and walnut sauce. (Thank you, Rachael Ray!)

1 pkg 12-16oz family size tortellini (prepare according to package directions)

1 Cup Chicken Broth

8 oz. Gorgonzola cheese

Dash of salt and pepper

1 Cup chopped toasted walnuts

While tortellini is cooking, heat chicken broth, cheese, salt and pepper over medium heat. Simmer until cheese melted - about 2 minutes. Toss sauce, tortellini, and walnuts together - serve hot! 

I used spinach tortellini instead of the classic...Jared said it was a keeper!

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