Feeling Better, Feeling Worse (How women's events really make us feel!)

Have you ever noticed when you’re in a room full of women, everyone seems to be sizing up everyone else? Some women enter confidently, some approach with questions, and others slip in and slide into the corner unnoticed. The bold flaunt airs (whether overtly or subtly) while the insecure hope no one notices their inadequacies. Why do we as woman play this constant comparison game? She has it all together, so I must not measure up in some way. And when someone else is struggling, it just makes us feel all the better about ourselves.

We take extra time before going to meet with ladies to fix our hair, our clothes, our kids, our face, our attitudes. What mask do I need to wear today in order to feel good about myself? I wonder how many compliments I will get today (about my outfit, my kids, or the dish that I cooked)? We look for those don’t we? We walk away with a count, and if we didn’t get enough we try to change something for the next time so that our “approval meter” is filled.

Call it what you may, competing, comparing, judging, insecurity, longing – it all boils right back down to idolatry. God has been showing me recently that my competitive nature, my judgmental heart, my inclination to desire the applause of men, is really rooted in a desire to be worshiped. What is this tendency to desire the praise of men? Where does it come from? And what can I do about it? Because in my deepest heart, I long to worship and glorify God alone!

In 1 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul addresses the judgmental attitudes of the Corinthians. He asks three rather rhetorical questions: For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive?

And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Background

The Corinthian Church was primarily an outcropping of Paul’s ministry. After having left the region, he began to hear of divisions and sins that began creeping into the Church body. The country of Corinth was well-to-do – located on an isthmus between two bodies of water and two masses of land, it was a crossroads for the Grecian culture. The city was fed by a constant water supply from a natural spring, “protected by” the patron saint of seamen, “blessed by” the goddess of love, booming economically, and for all intents and purposes was rich, well established, and deeply rooted in sin culture. Some of their falling back into old practices was ignorance, yet some of it was familiarity. (How often I am here – self focus is natural…) Paul found out that they were esteeming certain teachers over and above others, and they had the mentality that they had already arrived at their “kingdom.” So he admonishes their judging hearts, emphasizes that which is not seen (the hidden things in darkness that will be exposed by the light), and asks them the three questions to really get them thinking about their judgmental attitudes in a truthful way!

Question #1 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “For who sees anything different in you?”

Question #2 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 “What do you have that you did not receive?”

Question #3 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

Question #1 – 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “For who sees anything different in you?”

 I found my answers to this question ironic. As I think back to my Jr. High and High School days, and even some in college, I found myself frequently trying to look like, act like, and talk like those kids that I thought were popular or well liked. I wanted the same approval they had. I wanted to “fit in.” The crazy thing about this is that I wanted to fit in so that I could stand out. My current struggle, however, is more defined: I want something unique to offer the world around me – something that no one else can. I want to be the best at one thing. Even if it’s a small thing, I want to be approved, I want to win – I want to be the best so that I can feel people giving me worth. (AKA: Giving me worship)

Paul gives us a reality check in this passage. "Therefore, judge nothing before the appointed time, wait until the Lord comes, He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time, each will receive their praise from God” (1 Corinthians 4:5). I have no right to judge the women around me because I can neither see nor know their hearts. And when we start talking about hearts, ultimately, we all wind up on a level playing field from God’s view. Romans 3:23 states that all have sinned, and James 2:10 goes on to explain that even if we keep the law in every way except one, we are still guilty of breaking the entirety of the law. Being separated from God due to sin, we are all deserving of death. Praise be to God that the death he died, he died to sin, once for ALL (Romans 6:10).

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior, but now Christ has reconciled you to himself through death to present you Holy in His sight, without blemish, and free from accusation. (Colossians 1:21-22)

So, Christ, who sees the heart, knows the thoughts, see our past, our present, and our future as the Great I AM, sees me, you, and our sisters in Christ as equals. Made in His image we sinned and fell short. We deserved death, and he came in order to reconcile us back to himself. Now, through His blood, we are holy. I am holy. You are holy, and we owe all worship to our Savior. In God’s eyes, we are saved, rescued, redeemed, clothed in the righteousness of his son, worthy, holy, and approved! When our vision begins to clear, and we can see ourselves and our sisters for who we really are, the comparison games can all step aside. We all reside on a level playing field!

The next two questions seem to address one of two perceptions we as women have of ourselves in relation to others: superiority or inferiority.

Question #2 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 “What do you have that you did not receive?” (Superiority)

Here, Paul is addressing believers here who are stuck in the pride of self-made righteousness. The “dos.” Many of the Corinthian believers resorted to a mentality of working hard and receiving all the glory for their achievements – how often I find myself here too! Throughout my growing up years, I looked at the Fruit of the Spirit as actions that I needed to work harder at so that I could be more like God. If only I could make myself more patient, more kind, more joyful, more self-controlled, if I could just work hard enough, maybe I could finally be a “good Christian girl.”

But it doesn’t work that way. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that our salvation is through grace, not by works that we have done – so that we cannot boast! Furthermore, if we look at the idea of a fruit producing plant, we see that it must be supported and fed by something (the roots). A plant can never bear fruit of its own effort or desire, but must remain connected to the main vine/root system.

When I think I have the power to produce my own fruit, it’s pride. I don’t like that word. I don’t like the people it compares me to – the sons of Noah at the tower of Babel, Ahab, the rich young ruler, the prodigal son’s brother. Pride is anything that has I at the center of it. Look what I have done, what my hands have made, the weight I lost, the kids I have, the dish I made, the gift I gave. It’s all about me, me, me.

Proverbs tells us that pride brings a man low and that it is an abomination to the Lord. 1 Peter 5:5 – God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Christ Himself, even though equal with God in all respects, did not take advantage of that equality, but humbled himself and became a servant – thinking of others before he thought of himself. (Phil. 2)

When my thinking about all that I have been given is redeemed, I can see myself in light of Christ and then learn to walk in humility as Christ did – no longer taking pride in something I did not even accomplish for myself, but learning to see myself in sober judgment and thinking of others as more important than myself, in turn, directing all worship back to God, to whom it is due!

Question #3 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” (Inferiority)

Here we see the pendulum swing is to the other extreme – the stereotypical Eeyore – “woe is me, I’m not gifted like anyone else, how could I ever be that good?” Sometimes, this mentality is a result of years of wounds, sometime it is misinformation, sometime it is lack of knowledge, and sometimes I swing to this side when once again, I am “trying” to humble myself – not realizing that this false humility puts me in the same place as my pride.

True humility is knowing who God is, knowing who you are, and knowing where they each properly belong. I think many Christians get the idea that humility is an Eeyore sort of mentality. Unfortunately, this “woe is me” mentality is also pride in its own light – inward self-focus. “I” is once again at the center. When I find myself in this position, I’m still longing for my own worship, rather than turning my eyes toward Christ. I just get the feeling that it could never happen – but that doesn’t mean it’s not still what I am looking for.

Back to Reality

Paul is urging the Corinthians to seek, know, understand, and admit all that they have been given. He goes on to say: Already you have all you want. (They had direct access to God, they had been given salvation, blessed with the holy Spirit, rescued, redeemed, reconciled) Already you have become rich. (They were blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, they were co-heirs with Christ.) You have become kings. (They were royalty, a chosen generation, a royal people – a people belonging to God).

Final Thoughts

Our judgmental attitudes will only disappear when we begin to humble ourselves as Jesus did. When we can look at the people we interact with and see that we all start on level playing fields, when we understand that our righteous standing in God’s eyes does not depend on our own works, and when we grasp the reality of how blessed we are in Christ, we too will be able to walk as Jesus walked – in humble surrender and in the Spirit’s power.

Lord, give us your grace and strength to uproot deep seeded pride in our lives and to walk in light of who we are because of your grace and how you want to use us to impact the world!

Body Image and the Fear of God

What does the fear of God have to do with my body image anyhow? I rolled the question around my mind and wondered if that really was the key to the struggle that had been weighing on my mind so heavily recently.

Ever since my fourth little boy was born, I’ve bemoaned the ways my body has morphed into someone I don’t even recognize any longer. Pants are the worst! Finding a pair that is both modest and flattering seems nearly impossible. And who has money to buy a totally new wardrobe anyhow? Not to mention, I wasn’t about to spend money on clothing that was a size larger!

The struggle was real! After my third boy, I had a paradigm shift in my thinking about food. For so long, I had lived with the mentality of fad diets and/or depriving my body in order to lose weight. Not only did I realize that this was wreaking havoc on my metabolism, but it wasn’t glorifying God with my body. And that’s what I was called to – 1 Corinthians 6:19 – your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, therefore, honor God with your body. So I studied nutrition (extensively); I learned what God created my body to consume, my needs, and how to enjoy the foods God provided without guilt! I lost weight – lots. I also learned to move my body like it was meant to move, to rest, and to manage stress in a Spirit filled way. Viva Gloria – living the glorious life. Walking in the Spirit. It was beautiful!

Why wasn’t the weight coming off this time? I was so frustrated. I know that my stress level was higher. I was getting less sleep. And I was nursing an injury that was limiting my ability to move like I wanted to. But still – I wanted more.

The truth is (and it’s nasty): I wanted people to notice again. I wanted the compliments. And I wanted to feel good about myself. PRIDE. Yep. That’s what it is. I was at the center of my thinking. How quickly right motive morph into selfish desires. I started out with the purpose of walking in the Spirit and honoring God, I slide down the slope of self-image sin.

I was more concerned about what my friend was going to say the next time she saw me than how God could use me to minister to her heart.

My heart had become ugly. Workouts took priority (for a while) over my time with God and my time with my sons and cost me energy reserves that both were more worthy of. I would eat healthy (for a time) until I got emotional and needed a quick chocolate fix or something more. Eventually, I gave way to eating whatever I felt like again (and this definitely didn’t help the body image cycle).

So I’ve experienced both sides of this coin. . . really walking in step with God and being in tune with His Spirit and seeing results, morphing into prideful body image, self-made ideals of weight loss, and shame when results didn’t happen (and easily falling back into an “I don’t care” mentality). –Maybe there’s more than two sides of this coin. ;)

I never really thought I had an issue with fear of man when it came to my body. I mean, I wasn’t really scared of how other people saw me. I’ve never been really hurt by comments or teasing. But I see now that fear doesn’t have to mean fear in a way I understand it. When I put more value on how others perceive me and less on what God sees in my heart at that moment (whether it is concern for another woman or the third cookie I want to put in my mouth), I am fearing man more than I fear God.

Father, teach me to fear you only with my body – what I eat, how I sleep, how I move, and how I relate to those around me. And may I live this glorious life that you’ve prepared for me – for your glory alone!

Mom's Night Out

Mom’s night out. I had one of those last night, and I saw the movie by the same name too. It was really well made. I laughed. I cried right along with the other 13 ladies I was with. And I related. I related to the feelings of being overwhelmed as a mom of three little ones. I related to the writing on the wall, the messes in the kitchen, the endless laundry, and wanting to hide from it all. I related to having to deal with the kids at church by yourself thing – yes, that’s how some of my Sunday mornings actually look. And I related to Allie’s determination, “I started this by myself, and I’m going to finish it!” 

I was surrounded by people last night. But I still felt alone. If they knew how much I struggled, if they knew how much I don’t have it together, if they knew the real status of my heart (not just the ones I post on facebook.)……what would happen? I wondered if other ladies related as well. I’m sure they must, but we laugh at the irony of it all, and we put our masks and costumes right back on because we want our sisters to think we do have it all together.

Our masks alienate us from one another. We rub shoulders, offer hugs, but we don’t see what’s really there under the costume. Much like the Pastor’s wife in the movie – admired by all, yet so alone. She hadn’t been invited out with the girls in over five years. No one knew her. She struggled, but she was strong. She hurt, but she had to constantly offer hope to those around her. She had regrets, but she didn’t know how to relate. Finally, she opens up, and when she did, people realized she was human – not superwoman. People realized she had needs, and ironically, they were willing to meet them.

Why is it that I think if I have needs people will look down on me? Instead, they may just look me in the eye. They may just be willing to see past the façade and see my soul.

That’s what I long for. That’s what real community is about. When I can take off the pristine outfit, and show my dirt and scars, maybe I’ll see how many other mom’s out there carry around some of the same wounds.

I love how Paul puts it is 1 Corinthians 4. He’s talking about judging those around you, and he poses three questions to the Corinthians. “What makes you different than anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you have not?”

This passage addresses three issues for me:

1. We’re all on level playing fields. We’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Our Salvation is by Grace – not our works. We all deserved the same punishment no matter how little or big our “sins” were. I have no right to judge those around me. I have no right to judge myself in light of who I think they are.

2.  Anything that I think I may possess (talents, gifts, lessons I’ve learned, character qualities) have been given me from above. I can claim no talent apart from God. I can claim no ability apart from grace. This knowledge levels my pride and helps me to see that it’s not me, it’s God.
3. I have been gifted. I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places. Why do I get down on myself and feel like I don’t possess that which some of my sisters do? Sometimes, I get confused about humility. In our culture, it is seen as making one’s self lower. But the true definition of humility is to know one’s proper place – and that means knowing how richly I have been blessed and living out of that identity.

Lord, as I grow in you. Help me to learn to relate to the ladies around me and not walk in self-righteousness knowing that we really area all on level playing fields. Help me to remember your grace and what you’ve saved me from – and also what you’ve saved me to. Remind me that anything that I am is because of you – not works that I have done. And when I’m tempted to look down on myself, open my eyes to the beautiful masterpiece that you are creating right here, right now, in the midst of this “beautiful mess.” To you alone be the glory!

I'm Giving Up

I loved the sensation of gaining speed down the runway then feeling my heart jump into my throat as the front wheels of the plane left the ground. I was floating. No, I was flying. I was actually doing it! I saw the airport below growing smaller as the nose of my plane pointed toward the open sky. Freedom filled my soul as doubts scurried away. Wow, flying really was possible! I was enthralled: "Tower, I'm doing it! I'm actually flying!"

My thoughts and excitement faded as quickly as they had arrived as I suddenly found myself in the middle of a thick thunder head. Darkness surrounded and encompassed. I could see nothing. I could hear nothing but the thunder that occasionally shook the plane. Tower had not responded. I looked down at my instruments which appeared to be holding steady - though that was no consolation as I still didn't completely understand each of their functions.

My heart raced, and panic began to set in. I feared I may have made a poor decision. Maybe the hanger was the better option - at least it would have been safer. My palms were sweaty, my breath was rapid, my eyes darted around the cocpit for the manual. Where was that book when I needed it? Alright, I thought, I'm going to have to figure this out on my own.

I played with the different switches and levers attempting to gain some sort of control over this monserous beast I was supposed to be flying. The planed jerked, rumbled, rolled, swiftly swung to the left side, and I saw a lightning bolt illuminate the darkness for a moment. I blinked, trying to readjust my eyes to the lack of light.

I am in control. No, I reconsidered that thought. I'm completely out of control! I have so much to do that I don't even know how to do! What was I thining? I'm all alone! The stress began to grow to a point of fear and the fear to a point of insanity. The plane is going to crash. I am going to die! I considered just accepting my fate, closing my eyes. Giving up.

I groped for the dome light so maybe I could see things better. There it is; I flipped it on. Light now filled the cockpit. There was the manual, right next to me all the time. I looked up to meet the eyes of my co-pilot. You could have picked my jaw up off the floor. "Wh...What? Why didn't you say anything? Let me know you were there? Something?" Now I was angry.

The Spirit looked at me with gentle eyes. "You didn't ask."

So many times I get caught up in striving and stress. My pride makes me think that I have too much to do. I am in control. I am all alone. Inevetably, I push God and others away - I don't ask for help. It's MY responsibility, right? So I get overwhelmed when I can't seem to get things right. The outcome doesn't go as expected - or I cannot see the end in sight. I want to give up! And that's exactly what the enemy wants - me giving up, growing complacent, never living the fruitful life for which I was created.

Ironically, that's the same thing God wants...me to give up. Give up trying to do it on my own. Give up the lies that I have accepted. Give up control to him and watch what he does to help me bear fruit - fruit that will last!

So either way, I surrender....the question is to whom!
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