Why a Return to Normal (or Even a New Normal) Can Never Fix My Problem

“I just wish things would get back to normal!” I hear the statement echo in my mind. The thought rises when I’m frustrated with the challenges of decontaminating our groceries or having to wear face masks or even not being able to give my friend a hug. If things just weren’t so difficult . . . If I could go to the store without fear of exposure . . . If I my kids could play sports like they planned . . . If we had more options on rainy days to get our energy out . . . If I had access to resources like our library . . . If we could get back to concerts, sports games, and amusement parks . . . If we could meet with our Church family . . . On and on it goes. If we could just get back to normal, I would feel better. I would be okay. Life would be so much easier.

The nagging voices of failure scratch at my sense of identity:

You’re not enough! Your boys are bored. They are fighting again. You’ve not provided enough of an outlet. You’re not enough!

 You’re too much! You’re too emotional. Your fear, your sadness, your depression, it doesn’t have a place. Your husband can’t handle it. You’re too much!

You’re not safe! Just look at all the people getting Covid-19. It’s awful. You’ll probably get it too. No one is defending you. It’s all on your shoulders. You’re not safe!

You are alone! You haven’t been able to hang out with your friends for nine weeks now. Don’t you see how this is going? It’s not going to change. You won’t have any help when you need it. You won’t be surrounded next time you face a crisis. You are alone!

It’s easy to forget when I’m in the middle of the crisis that I’ve heard these voices before. Not too long ago, it looked like

You’re not enough! You don’t have what it takes to care for your husband and your kids! You don’t have the energy and endurance to finish the move, the sale of the house, the routine transitions. You’re not enough!

You’re too much! There’s no place for your heart or your needs when your husband is in crisis. His needs rank higher. You’re too needy! You’re too much!

You’re not safe! Your husband can no longer defend you. He may be at risk himself. You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. You are not safe!

You are alone! Your man is emotionally withdrawn. You don’t have access to community. You have neighbors that don’t even know what’s going on. No one is there for you. You are alone!

And before that, it was You’re not (mom) enough! You’re too much (of a failure)! You’re not safe (to be authentic)! You are alone (in your struggle)!

You see, these statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years.

Am I enough?

Am I too much?

Am I safe?

Am I alone?

"These statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years."

I have to consider: If I’ve been answering these questions for years, if I have taken on certain identity statements, what makes me think that resuming normal life will magically make them disappear? Suddenly, I become a new me? My most ideal, best-est self with no more struggles when our country opens back up and the threat seems diminished? Or, will these statements, these answers to my questions simply take on a new form?

A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!

This fall, when my husband was in the middle of his PTSD crisis, I began to recognize this truth. My world was turned upside down. I faced challenges I had never experienced before. I was emotionally run through the wringer and physically spent beyond my ability. I longed for normal life to return, but my hopes for that were unsteady. The future was uncertain and so very unclear!

I wasn’t doubting the truth of what I believed. I had a firm foundation in the facts of the goodness of God, that He was trustworthy, that He was sovereign, and that He was a God of love. But I had never taken the time to allow the personal truth that God loved me to take root deep in my heart.

"A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!"

So, I ran to Jesus. I knelt in his presence. I poured out these fears to Him!

And just like the still small voice that spoke to Elijah, I heard the Spirit whisper.

You are not alone! For I will never leave you nor forsake you!

You are always safe! For I numbered your days before the dawn of time. You are sheltered under my wings of refuge.

You are never too much, and My strength in you is enough! For I made you! You are beautiful! You are mine!

And you know what happened? As I spent more time listening to the truth of how Christ saw me, as I heard His whisper over my identity, something started to shift.

I continued to face new and different challenges in our journey and as we began to weather this current health crisis, I found myself recognizing the old answers to my questions much more quickly. I could name them for what they were – lies!

When the old voices started to surface recently again, I was able to refute them with the truths that I had learned. I am not alone! I am always safe! He made me! I am beautiful! I am His!

Is the struggle gone? No. I still face battles every day. But I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution.

"I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution."

Normal never fixed my problem! But a return to Jesus did!

Communicating in Quarantine: The False Fuel of Assumption

Has anyone noticed that being in close quarters with another person for long periods of time is a recipe for miscommunication? Or trying to carry on important conversations during social distancing can cause great misunderstanding? Relational conflict is at an all time high with these added stressors of a global pandemic and unprecedented circumstances resulting in prolonged periods of close contact with some people and excessive distance from others.

Easter Sunday 2020 was unlike any Easter I have ever experienced before. I’d love to say we nailed it – that we had a beautiful day with fantastic family memories, a delicious celebratory dinner, and a spirit of rejoicing in our freedom through the Resurrection of our Savior. But that would be a lie. This year, Easter was hard in more ways than one.

The truth is our Easter looked more like my husband and I missing each other in communication, arguing about perspective, and talking at each other more than communication with each other – off and on for six hours! We didn’t’ participate together in our streamed Sunday service. We never sat down to a meal as a whole family, and we tossed some eggs in the living room for an egg hunt at the last minute. We wound up hurt and emotionally distant from one another.

The main reason for this? Assumption.

Assumption Makes us look Foolish

Some of you may have heard the saying, “When we assume, it makes the first three letters out of U and ME (ASSUME)” That’s not too far from reality. I watch my sons interact with each other. I see how quickly they can get fired up, yelling, and getting aggressive with each other. Ironically, most of the time, their reactions are based on an assumption that their brother intended them harm. They feel threatened (physically or emotionally) and their fight or flight kicks in. A rocket blasts off in their souls, and its fuel is lies.

How could they be so foolish? And yet I find myself doing the same thing!

The fuel of assumption is an artificial fuel that can only send our rocket in one direction – destruction of relationship. We must fuel our emotions and reactions on the truth!

Assumption Signals our Fight or Flight

Have you ever felt this before? The internal burn, increasing heart rate, and sense of a need to find protection or escape from the situation? Our person or our identity feels threatened, and we snap back with “Well I . . .” or offer the silent treatment and retreat. We go on the defensive, buffering ourselves up or tearing the other person down in order to feel better. Or we feel the need to protect ourselves from further harm, so we go into emotional or physical hiding – sometimes both.

More often than not, when I assume and react, my husband is left wondering what he did wrong. His intention was not to wound, but to communicate. Sometimes, his words come out clumsy, no doubt, but when I allow the fuel of assumption to blast off my emotional rocket, I am submitting to chemical processes in my brain that are not based in logic.

The brain always wants to protect itself and the body. If there is a perceived threat, our sympathetic nervous system gears up for the challenge. It shoots us into one of three responses. We fight. We flight. Or we freeze.

Assumption is Framed in Past Experience

When we make assumptions and respond out of the most base urges of our human nature, we are allowing our previous experiences to define our present moment. As humans, our brains remember when we’ve been hurt in the past, and they have loaded weapons just waiting for that trigger to be pulled. We hear a specific word or phrase, and we frame it with the memories of how we felt when we heard that before.

A wound from a friend when I was thirteen can come up out of “nowhere” when my husband uses the same words that cut so deep. A look I see on his face may resemble one my dad had when he was disappointed in me. A phrase that hurt me years ago may be spoken in a completely different context now, yet it creates the same reaction. The image of the past arises, and I use that same frame to place around my husband and his intentions now.

The reality is that my husband is not my childhood friend. The look he gave me was one of confusion not disappointment. And the phrase is common use language that had been spoken once in harshness and now carries that connotation every time.

Assumption Creates a Win-Lose Mentality

With these ill-fitting frames, our conversations can easily morph from a discussion of differences to a competition of who is right and who is wrong – or even more likely, who is better and who is worse. This adds to the fuel of the emotional rocket as it continues a cycle of comparison, feeling threatened and a need to defend or protect one’s self.

When I find myself stuck in these cycles of communication, sometimes I lose track of where we were or where we are headed. What was the intended purpose of this conversation in the first place? I get the feeling that in order to find resolution, one of us will win and the other with lose. One will be deemed the victorious. One will be shamed.

Sure, in any relationship there is give and take, but it should never be victor and victim! We are all humans created in the image of God. He has called us to love Him first and foremost. Then he has called us to love one another.

Just because my husband and I may not completely agree on our perspective doesn’t mean that there has to be a winner and a loser. If we are able to stop this cycle of assumption, we can more easily understand where the other person is coming from and decide how to come to the best resolution of our differences.

Stopping the Assumption Fuel

One simple step in avoiding the relentless cycle of assumption, is to notice. Notice when the emotions start to rise and the rocket wants to blast off.

Stop and think about what that feels like right now. What happens inside your chest when your spouse or close friend says that one thing? What feelings does it evoke when you see that look? What does your heart do in your chest? Do you feel warm or flushed? Does your breathing increase? Do you feel muscles contract? Does your mind go blank? Do you long for escape? Do you shut down?
 
Take a moment and put yourself there. Imagine a tough conversation. Feel the feelings, and imagine putting a BIG RED STOP SIGN on that feeling.

The next time you start to feel that way, see the stop sign. Pause. Breathe and ask yourself what it is you are feeling and thinking in that moment. Hear the words you are telling yourself. What do you feel they are saying to you? Take another deep breath. And then ask a clarifying question.

Here’s how it looked for us a couple weeks ago. We were chatting when my husband said something to the effect of how he felt threatened when I didn’t recognize something he had done. I immediately wanted to respond in anger, “What?!? You don’t feel like I appreciate you? Well I don’t feel like you appreciate me!”

 But I didn’t. I stopped when I recognized the feeling, and I asked, “Can I clarify? Are you saying that you don’t ever feel appreciated by me?” I was able to determine what was fueling my emotional reaction: the feeling of an always statement, that I never showed him appreciation. And I asked him to clarify in a nonthreatening way.

This gave him an opportunity to say, no, that he just meant that one instance. Immediately, the boil in my chest subsided, and we were able to conclude our conversation without my emotional rocket causing chaos, destruction, and distance in our relationship.

If You’re Going to Assume, Assume the Best

Assumptions are going to happen. They are going to come up without our permission or awareness. They are going to surprise us. They are going to throw us off kilter and begin to fuel reactions that we don’t anticipate. We have to realize that whether we like it or not, this is the way we are wired.

Being in a relationship with my husband, I have to remember that we love each other. We are committed. When we find ourselves in communication that is leading toward assumption, I have to choose to frame his comments in the truth. He is not intending to wound me. He loves me. He is trying to communicate with me, and we are still growing in our ability to speak each other’s languages.
 

I am in process. My husband is in process. We are continually being formed into the image of our Creator. We are learning to communicate (and getting much more practice due to this time of quarantine).

Learning to notice the fuel of assumption and the initial blast off of my emotional rocket has been so powerful in stopping what could be some messy relational explosions.

Redeeming our Assumptions

Our Easter this year was hard, but it was redeemed. We salvaged what we could as we engaged in the Sight and Sound Jesus production as a family. We spoke truth to our boys about the freedom we have received from Christ – the freedom from the penalty of death as well as the freedom from the power on sin. And my husband and I made the decision to try another way. That evening we worked through our differences, we opened our eyes to the other’s perspective, we clarified assumptions, and we communicated our love to one another.

The power of the Resurrection of Jesus frees us from the power of assumption. We don’t have to continue the cycle of chaos and destruction in our relationships. We have His power to assume the best, to notice the feelings, to stop and clarify. We can fuel our emotions on truth and stop the false fuel of assumptions! We can learn a new way to communicate while in quarantine! 

"The Challenge" How to Survive this Crisis as a Whole Person

We are in a challenging time. Most of us are stuck at home. Our kids are here. And we have nowhere to go and "nothing to do." The best way to weather a crisis is as a whole person! We cannot expect to survive this challenging time physically and hope that our mind and emotions catch up later. 

It's hard to know how to manage our time, how to invest in our families, how to make decisions when all our "normals" are gone. Our hearts feel out of place and confused. We have to create new "normals" for ourselves and our kids.  

So we've created a resource to help your kids engage in where you are with their whole person. Each day, they can chose one activity from one category (not the same category two days in a row). We have options that engage the body, the mind, the emotions, their faith, and ways that help them to think of and serve others. 

Feel free to download and print whichever (or both) guides you need. Engage with us on our Facebook group "The Challenge" by Scripted Story (COVID-19 style). We would love to see how you are being fully present where you are right now. 

Downloads can be accessed here: "The Challenge" Facebook Group Feel free to share with friends!

If you don't have a Facebook account and would like the printable packet emailed to you, simply email us at scriptedstoryresources@gmail.com and we will get it to you as soon as possible. 

Now may the God of peace . . . . equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever amen. Hebrews 13:20-21

Loving God and Loving our Neighbor in the Midst of the COVID-19 Crisis: 7 Ways a Christian can Respond

I pulled into the Aldi parking lot, and I was curious that there were so many cars. It’s not the beginning of the month, it’s not even a typical bi-weekly pay week for most people. Why are there so many people here on a Thursday evening?

You see, Thursday evenings are my typical weekly shopping trip while my oldest is at Karate. I had a few of my other boys with me, so we took our time finding a parking spot and unloading. We got our cart and headed in. I started gathering the groceries that I needed, somewhat surprised that Aldi had not kept up on their stock this week. Bread, can goods, cereals all picked over. People’s carts were loaded. Something was going on.

By now, most of you might wonder how I didn’t know what the mad rush was. What, is she naive? How does she not know about the impending Armageddon? I was very well aware of growing concerns of the COVID-19 virus causing some issues in the US. I’m a nurse. I get state issued health bulletins which recently have encouraged good hand hygiene, staying home if you’re sick, and limiting large gatherings. But what I couldn’t understand was the mad rush to stock up – that is, until I was getting my milk.

I had my five-year-old reach in the refrigerator door and pull out one gallon. That’s all we needed this week. A lady walked up behind me and curtly stated, “You may want to get more than that. The US is going to be put under mandatory quarantine for four weeks! They’re going to announce it Monday! I have a good source! He’s in the military!” She continued her rant as she moved on behind other people leaving in her wake a current of fear and chaos.

For a moment, my heart started beating faster. Why hadn’t I heard this? Why hadn’t the state health bulletins told us it was coming to this? I thought about grabbing a bunch of canned goods, boxed goods, frozen meals. I mentally analyzed my pantry, what did I need to get us through four weeks? Diapers? Cereal? Toilet paper? Too late on that last one as most of the toilet paper was already gone.

I realized what I was doing – reeling in assumptive panic based on a random woman’s comments in Aldi. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. I thought through the logic of that actually happening and considered the source of the information that had turned my normal shopping trip on its emotional head. I spoke truth to myself and considered wisdom in this situation. What was my mission as a believer in Christ living in a culture that is panicking?

Our country is in panic mode. Fear is reigning. People are responding out of desperation. Ironically, similar things were seen before during Y2K, when SARS was active, or when the H1N1 strain came to the US. As believers in Christ, we are not supposed to respond as the culture does in these times of crisis. What is the greatest commandment? Love the Lord your God. The second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. This is our mission. This is the standard we are to hold in times of peace and times of fear.

So, in the midst of the COVID-19 chaos, how are we supposed to love God and love our neighbor?

Do Not Give Way to Fear

The major pandemic right now is not this virus. It is the fear being created and mass panic resulting in irrational behavior. As believers in Jesus Christ, we are called to rise above fear.

As I loaded my groceries in my trunk and the cars continued to flood the parking lot with people literally running into the store, I heard the birds chirping. I closed my eyes and simply listened. I remembered a conversation Jesus had with some of his followers. Consider the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they? Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matthew 6:26, 34). I breathed deep the goodness of God, and I smiled as I passed my cart to the next panicked shopper.

Our God created this world out of nothing. He sustains all things by his powerful word. He spoke a word and the blind saw, the lame leapt, the sick were healed, and the dead were raised. He conquered death, hell, and broke down the dividing walls of separation.

When I live in fear, I am denying the power of God and trying to grasp control like trying to hold sand as it slips through my fingers. He is all powerful. How can I think that our sovereign God is not aware of this virus and does not have the power to provide for our needs? He knows the very hairs of my head and the number of grains of sand by the sea.

Trusting God, choosing not to fear, this is one way of loving God in this time of uncertainty.

Continue to Engage in Worship

We’ve heard from many of our churches. Some states are limiting large gatherings. This may affect the ways that you engage in worship time or community. But don’t let that be an excuse for taking a break from your pursuit of God. God is found by those who seek him. And Jesus is enthroned on the praises of his people.

Take the extra time from cancelled events, church related or otherwise, to get quiet before God. Tell him your concerns. He cares. Ask him how you can meet needs around you. Praise him for his protection and his provision. The sun rises and sets each day only by His command. Worship Him in the splendor of His holiness.

If your church offers streamed services, gather with a small group of friends or simply stream them in your own home. If this isn’t an option for you, many quality Gospel messages can be found on YouTube. Some of my favorites are Matt Chandler, Francis Chan, and John Piper. Allow your soul to be soaked in the truth of God’s word. It’s the one thing that can combat the mass hysteria in our culture right now.

Let’s continue to express our love to God even when we can’t do so corporately!

Know the Source of Your Information

The woman that created that sense of fear in my heart was not a quality source of information for me. More than likely, she is simply viscerally reacting to fear inducing news stories and maybe a conversation with a friend.

My family has determined that it is not healthy for us mentally or emotionally to engage in the news media. We do not watch national or local news shows. We do not follow the news on social media. We are well aware that the large majority of these sources blow stories out of the water creating cultures of fear, anger, and anxiety. The media leads our culture. And the more we engage in it, the more likely our hearts are to be led astray as well. We also realize that we need to have some form of information when it comes to current events. Personally, we choose to follow Christo-centric news sources such as Family Research Counsel and the Heritage Foundation. We also look for accurate and up to date information from original sources such as legislation in action, CDC, and the state health bulletins. If you choose to engage in the national or local news sources, please be aware that they typically only share what is most exciting or scary. They thrive on inducing fear. And their storytelling is typically embellished to make things more interesting.

Use wisdom. Be aware of where you are getting your information. Let’s love our neighbors by proclaiming truth and wisdom, not inciting fear and panic from non-credible sources.

Use Common Sense

Most of what is being recommended by the national health agencies right now should be common practice anyway. Hand washing was shown to have significant impact on decreasing the transmission of bacteria and viruses back in the 1850s (History of Handwashing). For some reason, it has lost popularity. Please wash your hands after touching high traffic surfaces – door knobs, light switches, tables, store check out counters, and restaurant tables. By all means, wash after using the restroom and before you eat. Common hand soap and running water for twenty seconds is sufficient. This is not hypervigilance, this is common sense.

Please stay home if you are feeling ill. The concern here is possible exposure to vulnerable populations and the continuation of spread of a virus. Elderly, and those with underlying health issues are most susceptible to long term health issues from this virus. We can love our neighbors by not unduly exposing them.

Please don’t overrun your hospitals for concerns over common colds. Know the symptoms of the virus, and seek medical help only if necessary. We need to manage our health personnel in a way that keeps them available for those who need them most.

Please don’t go crazy buying tons of hand sanitizer, Lysol, and medical masks. Our health industry – nurses, doctors and first responders need access to these as they are caring for those who truly are ill. If you wash your hands, don’t touch your face, and stay home when you’re ill, your need of these items are not essential.

Prepare but Don’t Panic

A major issue with mass stockpiling is the issue of supply and demand. Evidence is already speaking to this as bottles of hand sanitizer are going for hundreds of dollars on Amazon. Shelves are empty of diapers, toilet paper, canned goods and frozen meals. If I had jumped into the chaos stocking hundreds of diapers and rolls of toilet paper clearing the shelves of reserves, what would happen when the mom down to her last diaper needs one? Some people are not in a financial situation to stockpile and have to buy groceries and supplies as they are able. If the shelves are empty or the prices exorbitant, they will wind up lacking their needs.

As a Christian, I cannot simply consider my own needs, I am told to love my neighbor as myself. And I cannot reconcile mass stockpiling with considering the paycheck to paycheck single mom down the street.

Wisely, when it comes to being prepared, it might be prudent to have a week or two of shelf stable items in your home in case you get ill and need to stay away from others. This keeps you from exposing others at the store or pharmacy. When I was at Aldi, I decided that one extra box of diapers, a couple boxes of instant oatmeal, and some boxed mac which would give us a few extra options if we were home bound for a few days.

Consider Other’s Needs

As you think about how this crisis, possible shutdowns, and cancellation of events effects you, don’t forget to consider how the effect others as well.

What of the elderly lady who is home bound? Does she need groceries? Someone to pick up her medications? What of the poverty level kids who are not able to get meals at school for the next few weeks? Are their local programs you could donate to? Could you prep some meals or drop off some lunch items to a neighbor who may be hurting?

How can we be the body, the hands and feet, of Jesus in this time of Crisis? Look for the needs around you. Ask God to show you how to love your neighbor well. He will. Then act – out of love. 
Not fear!

Continue to Live Your Life

It’s tempting in times like this to immerse ourselves in the current event and forget that each minute, each day, our children are growing, our families are aging, and moments are passing. Use these times when you are home more together to invest in each other. Play games. Ask questions. Snuggle. Spend extra time with your spouse. Make memories.

Communicate to your kids this current crisis in terms they can understand, but don’t create fear. Communicate truth. Love your kids by leading them to Jesus when they are afraid. (Your children are your neighbors too.)

Do what you do with excellence and for the glory of God. Even the eating, drinking, cleaning, and wiping baby bottoms are ways that we can bring God glory if we choose to serve Him by serving those He’s blessed us with. Love God by loving others!

Friends, God’s got this! Might it be possible to look at this situation as more of an opportunity than a threat? How can you choose to rise above? How can you choose to love God and love others in the midst of the COVID-19 crisis? May we love Him and love others well! 

When Pain is Not The Problem

One night last week just before bedtime, my ten-year-old called me over. “Mom, I have a toothache, and my gum hurts a lot too.”

I did what any mom would do and grabbed a flashlight. Shining the bright LED into his mouth, I saw a red, swollen gum where he pointed to the source of the pain. “Ouch, dude. That looks like it hurts. How long has that been going on?” I asked.

“Since Saturday.” He responded.

I called my husband over, and we both made the decision that we should probably make a trip to the dentist in the morning. It could be a cavity or even headed toward an abscess. Anxiety rose in my heart as I thought about how this might affect our next few days – the time involved, the cost, and managing his pain. We gave him some ibuprofen and ushered him to bed.

I didn’t sleep well that night, and the next morning, I felt my nerves on edge until we called the dentist’s office and settled on a 9:00 appointment. We quickly got the kids ready and gathered the school books – can’t let an appointment turn the school day on its head! And we headed out the door.

My mind raced as I thought through all the possibilities as the road moved under our tires. Would they do something today? Would we have to schedule another appointment later this week or even several appointments? How would he handle the procedure(s)? And most of all, I felt like some sort of failure for not teaching him to brush his teeth better. Cue “bad mom syndrome.”

I sat in the waiting room with the younger boys while my husband went back with the oldest. I bounced my knees with nervous energy. What were they finding? What was taking so long? In reality, they were probably not gone more than about twenty minutes, but it felt like an eternity.

When they emerged, my son made a bee-line for the video games, and my husband walked over. He shrugged his shoulders. “Everything is good.” He stated calmly. I’m sure my mouth dropped. “His teeth are all intact, no decay, no infection. It’s just his adult teeth trying to push the baby molars out. The dentist said to encourage him to wiggle them more to get the little ones out of the way.”

I blinked a few times as the news settled in. My son was growing up. He was in pain because he is growing into the man God wants him to be. Wiggle the tooth. The new one will come in. Everything is okay. The pain is not a problem.

We got back in the car, and I drove in silence as I processed this rather good news. And it revealed something to me – Pain is not always a problem. It does not always signify a problem. Sometimes it signifies growth. In some ways, I felt like an idiot for not thinking through that possibility in the midst of all my worrying. But in other ways, I wonder if God allowed this small speed bump to teach me a deeper lesson.

We are trained to look at pain as a problem. We are raised with the ideas that pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. The sore throat tells you you’re sick. The headache states that you’re tired, stressed, or in need of coffee. The burning lungs might signify asthma, and the aching heart can whisper of loss. We pull our hands away from heat so we don’t get burned. We add layers if we are tingly cold. We step away from relationships that seem too hurtful.

On the other hand, the aching gums tell us we are growing up and getting new teeth (yup, I know this now). The burning muscles tell us new fibers are being added and we are getting stronger. And the rhythmic tightening of the womb tells us we are about to birth new life. Pain doesn’t always mean something is wrong. Sometimes, pain tells us that something is very much right!

The problem comes when we look at all pain from the same angle without taking time to understand its source or its message. We feel a sensation that sends a signal to our brain – “pain” is the message that is communicated from that source. But the nerve impulse doesn’t differentiate between bad pain and good pain. It’s just all sensed as “pain”.

The nervous system is incredible in its ability to warn us of a problem. God created it this way, and it is very good. I’m amazed at how quickly we will remove our finger from the poke of the needle before we even consciously realize that we were pricked. Pain is in place to protect us from further injury.

But pain is also present in growth – as in the case of my son’s tooth. His gums were being “injured” to some degree. His nerves were sending a message to his brain which communicated pain. The process of the baby teeth being replaced by the adult teeth can be painful as the mouth makes room for the larger molars. But that pain signifies growth, not a problem. So my getting worked up over a potential problem actually served to create much more stress than was ever necessary. There wasn't a problem after all!

What if, when we sensed pain, we took an honest look at it? What if, rather than working ourselves into a frenzy, we slowed down and considered all the options? What if we looked at pain as a gift rather than a problem? What if we saw it as potential for growth rather than an inhibitor to our lives? What if we pushed into it rather than avoiding it?

The adult tooth will take longer to come in if my son does nothing. The dentist said to wiggle the baby one, to work on getting it out of the way. If my son tries to ignore the pain and live his life, the pain will last longer. But if he wiggles that tooth, the new one can break through and he will grow one step closer to being a man.

What do you need to wiggle today rather than worrying about or ignoring? It’s natural to want to avoid what hurts us, but what if engaging is what it takes to see a friendship blossom? It’s easy to worry when we don’t understand cause, but what if taking time to understand brought clarity? It’s tempting to pretend everything is okay, but what if getting honest with ourselves is how healing comes?

We have a choice in how we handle our pain. We can worry about it. We can try to avoid it. Or we can wiggle it and see what potential lies under the surface.

It might just be that a new tooth is ready to emerge! 

The Role I Never Asked For

“Be here now” is a phrase that hangs on my living room wall. It’s also a common phrase to hear tossed around my home as well as that of my extended family. The concept is simple. The practice, not so much. Behind this phrase lies the idea of learning to be present, to be engaged, to not be worried and concerned about many things. Yes, I tend to have a Martha heart, so the goal of being present is one I constantly strive toward.

Each year, I prayerfully choose a word to make my aim for that year. 2020’s word happens to be “Present.” I anticipated simplifying, letting some things go, and taking on less responsibility. What I didn’t expect was the precursor battle over where I would need to be present.

Leading up to the shift in decades, I thought I knew where I would be when the twenty-teens turned the corner. I would be in a smaller house with less commitments, I would be homeschooling my boys, working part-time, and basically choosing where to invest my extra time. But my journey took an unexpected turn when in early November, my husband experienced a crisis of anxiety, panic, and insomnia that we later learned was connected to complex PTSD.

My semi-predictable world was turned upside down. Our home was under contract to be sold and we were negotiating projects to be completed before closing. I was managing guests and maintenance at our AirBnB property a town away. I was homeschooling our sons. And now, in the midst of my husbands near daily struggle, I found myself alone in managing much of life and thrust into a new role that I never asked for.

Mental illness is something that happened to other people, not us! Really, if anyone lost it, it should have been me. My husband was a rock! Now, I couldn’t be strong enough to make him feel safe. I found myself having to learn to listen to deep, dark struggles and scary thoughts – honestly, they scared me too, but he needed me to be his safe place. I couldn’t allow myself to struggle. My routine driven nature that thrived on set expectations was stretched in extreme flexibility as I ebbed and flowed with my husband’s needs. The questions were endless. And I felt alone, so alone.

Recently, I was challenged to take an honest look at where I am in life right now – to answer questions objectively, to accept with grace the place God has allowed (and privileged) me to be in, then to fully immerse myself fully present in the where that I happen to be.

I was posed with questions to ponder. Question like: Has something recently changed in your life? Does a member of your family require more from you in this season? Is a loved one struggling with anxiety, panic, or a sickness? I felt like this woman had a secret portal in looking at my past few months. I felt struck by the questions, and as I considered the answers, I saw how I had been denying reality all along.

Each time the thought of my husband struggling with a mental illness would arise, I would quickly push it to the side. Anytime I was overwhelmed by my new-found responsibilities, I would look to the future convincing myself it would not always be this way. I found ways to escape my present reality by keeping myself busy, by investing in my sons, by eating ice cream. I wasn’t present. I was fighting the role I had been given with everything I was. I didn’t want to be where I was. I wanted things to go back to normal.

Care-giving is excruciating when you expect to be the one cared for. I found myself here as my husband's and my roles shifted for a season. I had to be strong because he was weak. I had to face my deepest fears head on: being alone and not feeling protected. I felt responsible for so much from the sale of our home and our upcoming move, to the stability of our sons, and the health of my husband. I didn’t like it one bit. I despised where I was. I hurt so much.

It’s 2020 now, and I long to be present. But I realize that in order to be here now. I need to understand where I am. And in order to understand where I am, I must admit and accept where I have been. As I look back over the past several months, I see that I was given a critical role at a critical time. It was a role that only I could fill. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t like it. But the reality is that God allowed it. Not only did he allow me to walk this path, but he equipped me with everything I needed for each step of the journey. His grace and his power was more than sufficient. And He was with me each step of the way.

My change in roles was a challenge I never expected. It caught me off guard. I felt displaced and wounded. And as I’ve realized that it is okay to admit that, I’ve started to open my heart and my hands. I’m learning to hold my emotions gently, to be honest with myself and God about what was hard and why and allow him to bring healing and hope there. Admitting where I was and accepting that role, I’m opening myself to be where I am now.

The present phase of our journey is not as intense as it was. In many ways, we’ve found healing and we are moving toward healthy balance in our roles once again. Where I am right now is in a season of transition, and I must be willing to accept my where now in order to fully engage in the present.

Your role may not be like mine. Maybe singleness is the role you never asked for – barrenness, being widowed or divorced. Maybe it’s a diagnosis that started the role of a patient. Maybe your role is caregiver for a parent, a spouse, a child, or even a grandchild. Maybe it’s a financial season of hardship, the necessity of an extra job to provide or cutting corners of your budget. Maybe you are enduring a strained relationship and your role is to be the one to reconcile. Or maybe your loved one has deployed and your are left to manage the home front and feel so alone.

A change in roles can be excruciating, challenging, disheartening, discouraging. And that’s okay to admit. Hold your emotions gently. Honor the way the role is making you feel and know that you can pour out your heart to Jesus when your role seems too much to bear. Then be there. Be all there. Be brave, my friend, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!

"Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with every good thing to do His will. And may He accomplish in us what is pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen" (Hebrews 13:20-21).

"What Are You Thinking?" When the Foolishness of God is Wiser - Making Hard Decisions That Go Against the Flow

“What are you thinking?”

 “Are you serious?”

“Are you sure that’s the right decision?”

“What about your kids?” (or your space, your stuff, your place, your time, your . . .)

They get that confused look on their face as we share our news. “Foolishness,” they might think. “Crazy!” “I could never do that!”

You’d think we were announcing something radical like shaving our heads and joining a nudist colony or something. But nope, that’s definitely NOT our news!

We’re moving.

It’s that simple. We are selling our 2600 square foot house in a nice neighborhood to move back into our 1300 square foot older home across the state line.  We will go from four bedrooms to three, from three bathrooms to two, from a quarter acre to about a tenth of an acre, from a finished basement to a “Michigan basement.” We will go from bigger to smaller.

This is not the norm. This is not the expected, and therefore not the accepted. In America, we have the American Dream. We are always looking out for me first. We are constantly thinking about how to get ahead, how to have our cake and eat it too. Bigger. Better. Faster. Flirtier. More expensive. More extravagant!

We see the raised eyebrows, hear the whispers, feel the pity. Did something happen? Are they okay? Can they not afford it anymore?

It’s foolishness. Simply the foolishness of God. 1Corinthians 1:25 states that the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom.

Man’s wisdom says bigger. God’s foolishness says smaller. Man’s wisdom says me first. God’s foolishness says others first. Man’s wisdom says get ahead. God’s foolishness says to steward well what you have and look toward the future reward.

To be honest, in my own humanness, this is not a decision I would make. But when I look through the glasses of the foolishness of God, I can see clearly the eternal wisdom of this choice. Selling now, will give us the opportunity to be debt free and the freedom to save, serve, and spend the resources we’ve been entrusted with in the ways God calls us to.

Will it be hard? Yes. But friends, I’ve learned that I can do the hard things if I know it makes God smile. Will it be challenging? Yes. But He gives more grace! Will it be emotional? Absolutely! Who wants to leave their place of comfort and memories?

I’ve struggled with this decision. I’ve cried. I’ve started a grieving process that will take me a while. But I’ve also found peace – a peace that surpasses even my understanding.

As humans, throughout our lives, we make decisions. Some easy. Some hard. Some make sense, and others don’t. My friends, whatever decision you’re facing, I pray you will seek and find the heart of God. Whether your choice does or doesn’t make sense in the wisdom of this world, I pray you will stand with resolve in the hard thing. Our choices may confuse our friends and even our family. But if we are walking in step with the Holy Spirit, we can rest assured that the foolishness of God is wiser!