“I just wish things would get back to normal!” I hear the statement echo in my mind. The thought rises when I’m frustrated with the challenges of decontaminating our groceries or having to wear face masks or even not being able to give my friend a hug. If things just weren’t so difficult . . . If I could go to the store without fear of exposure . . . If I my kids could play sports like they planned . . . If we had more options on rainy days to get our energy out . . . If I had access to resources like our library . . . If we could get back to concerts, sports games, and amusement parks . . . If we could meet with our Church family . . . On and on it goes. If we could just get back to normal, I would feel better. I would be okay. Life would be so much easier.
The nagging voices of failure scratch at my sense of identity:
You’re not enough! Your boys are bored. They are fighting again. You’ve not provided enough of an outlet. You’re not enough!
You’re too much! You’re too emotional. Your fear, your sadness, your depression, it doesn’t have a place. Your husband can’t handle it. You’re too much!
You’re not safe! Just look at all the people getting Covid-19. It’s awful. You’ll probably get it too. No one is defending you. It’s all on your shoulders. You’re not safe!
You are alone! You haven’t been able to hang out with your friends for nine weeks now. Don’t you see how this is going? It’s not going to change. You won’t have any help when you need it. You won’t be surrounded next time you face a crisis. You are alone!
It’s easy to forget when I’m in the middle of the crisis that I’ve heard these voices before. Not too long ago, it looked like
You’re not enough! You don’t have what it takes to care for your husband and your kids! You don’t have the energy and endurance to finish the move, the sale of the house, the routine transitions. You’re not enough!
You’re too much! There’s no place for your heart or your needs when your husband is in crisis. His needs rank higher. You’re too needy! You’re too much!
You’re not safe! Your husband can no longer defend you. He may be at risk himself. You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. You are not safe!
You are alone! Your man is emotionally withdrawn. You don’t have access to community. You have neighbors that don’t even know what’s going on. No one is there for you. You are alone!
And before that, it was You’re not (mom) enough! You’re too much (of a failure)! You’re not safe (to be authentic)! You are alone (in your struggle)!
You see, these statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years.
Am I enough?
Am I too much?
Am I safe?
Am I alone?
"These statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years."
I have to consider: If I’ve been answering these questions for years, if I have taken on certain identity statements, what makes me think that resuming normal life will magically make them disappear? Suddenly, I become a new me? My most ideal, best-est self with no more struggles when our country opens back up and the threat seems diminished? Or, will these statements, these answers to my questions simply take on a new form?
A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!
This fall, when my husband was in the middle of his PTSD crisis, I began to recognize this truth. My world was turned upside down. I faced challenges I had never experienced before. I was emotionally run through the wringer and physically spent beyond my ability. I longed for normal life to return, but my hopes for that were unsteady. The future was uncertain and so very unclear!
I wasn’t doubting the truth of what I believed. I had a firm foundation in the facts of the goodness of God, that He was trustworthy, that He was sovereign, and that He was a God of love. But I had never taken the time to allow the personal truth that God loved me to take root deep in my heart.
"A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!"
So, I ran to Jesus. I knelt in his presence. I poured out these fears to Him!
And just like the still small voice that spoke to Elijah, I heard the Spirit whisper.
You are not alone! For I will never leave you nor forsake you!
You are always safe! For I numbered your days before the dawn of time. You are sheltered under my wings of refuge.
You are never too much, and My strength in you is enough! For I made you! You are beautiful! You are mine!
And you know what happened? As I spent more time listening to the truth of how Christ saw me, as I heard His whisper over my identity, something started to shift.
I continued to face new and different challenges in our journey and as we began to weather this current health crisis, I found myself recognizing the old answers to my questions much more quickly. I could name them for what they were – lies!
When the old voices started to surface recently again, I was able to refute them with the truths that I had learned. I am not alone! I am always safe! He made me! I am beautiful! I am His!
Is the struggle gone? No. I still face battles every day. But I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution.
"I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution."
Normal never fixed my problem! But a return to Jesus did!
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