Why a Return to Normal (or Even a New Normal) Can Never Fix My Problem

“I just wish things would get back to normal!” I hear the statement echo in my mind. The thought rises when I’m frustrated with the challenges of decontaminating our groceries or having to wear face masks or even not being able to give my friend a hug. If things just weren’t so difficult . . . If I could go to the store without fear of exposure . . . If I my kids could play sports like they planned . . . If we had more options on rainy days to get our energy out . . . If I had access to resources like our library . . . If we could get back to concerts, sports games, and amusement parks . . . If we could meet with our Church family . . . On and on it goes. If we could just get back to normal, I would feel better. I would be okay. Life would be so much easier.

The nagging voices of failure scratch at my sense of identity:

You’re not enough! Your boys are bored. They are fighting again. You’ve not provided enough of an outlet. You’re not enough!

 You’re too much! You’re too emotional. Your fear, your sadness, your depression, it doesn’t have a place. Your husband can’t handle it. You’re too much!

You’re not safe! Just look at all the people getting Covid-19. It’s awful. You’ll probably get it too. No one is defending you. It’s all on your shoulders. You’re not safe!

You are alone! You haven’t been able to hang out with your friends for nine weeks now. Don’t you see how this is going? It’s not going to change. You won’t have any help when you need it. You won’t be surrounded next time you face a crisis. You are alone!

It’s easy to forget when I’m in the middle of the crisis that I’ve heard these voices before. Not too long ago, it looked like

You’re not enough! You don’t have what it takes to care for your husband and your kids! You don’t have the energy and endurance to finish the move, the sale of the house, the routine transitions. You’re not enough!

You’re too much! There’s no place for your heart or your needs when your husband is in crisis. His needs rank higher. You’re too needy! You’re too much!

You’re not safe! Your husband can no longer defend you. He may be at risk himself. You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. You are not safe!

You are alone! Your man is emotionally withdrawn. You don’t have access to community. You have neighbors that don’t even know what’s going on. No one is there for you. You are alone!

And before that, it was You’re not (mom) enough! You’re too much (of a failure)! You’re not safe (to be authentic)! You are alone (in your struggle)!

You see, these statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years.

Am I enough?

Am I too much?

Am I safe?

Am I alone?

"These statements existed long before my “normal” was taken away. And long before that, they were answers to questions I had been asking for years."

I have to consider: If I’ve been answering these questions for years, if I have taken on certain identity statements, what makes me think that resuming normal life will magically make them disappear? Suddenly, I become a new me? My most ideal, best-est self with no more struggles when our country opens back up and the threat seems diminished? Or, will these statements, these answers to my questions simply take on a new form?

A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!

This fall, when my husband was in the middle of his PTSD crisis, I began to recognize this truth. My world was turned upside down. I faced challenges I had never experienced before. I was emotionally run through the wringer and physically spent beyond my ability. I longed for normal life to return, but my hopes for that were unsteady. The future was uncertain and so very unclear!

I wasn’t doubting the truth of what I believed. I had a firm foundation in the facts of the goodness of God, that He was trustworthy, that He was sovereign, and that He was a God of love. But I had never taken the time to allow the personal truth that God loved me to take root deep in my heart.

"A return to “Normal” will not fix my problem. Only a return to Jesus can!"

So, I ran to Jesus. I knelt in his presence. I poured out these fears to Him!

And just like the still small voice that spoke to Elijah, I heard the Spirit whisper.

You are not alone! For I will never leave you nor forsake you!

You are always safe! For I numbered your days before the dawn of time. You are sheltered under my wings of refuge.

You are never too much, and My strength in you is enough! For I made you! You are beautiful! You are mine!

And you know what happened? As I spent more time listening to the truth of how Christ saw me, as I heard His whisper over my identity, something started to shift.

I continued to face new and different challenges in our journey and as we began to weather this current health crisis, I found myself recognizing the old answers to my questions much more quickly. I could name them for what they were – lies!

When the old voices started to surface recently again, I was able to refute them with the truths that I had learned. I am not alone! I am always safe! He made me! I am beautiful! I am His!

Is the struggle gone? No. I still face battles every day. But I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution.

"I no longer live in the illusion of “Normal” being the solution."

Normal never fixed my problem! But a return to Jesus did!

The Ultimate in Unplanned: And How to Respond

"For you formed my inward parts, 

you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." 

Psalm 139:13-14

I saw the movie “Unplanned” last night. It’s one of the most poignant and thought-provoking films I have see in a long time. It’s not an easy one to watch, but it exposes truth – truth that is so desperately needed in our culture right now.

I feel the need to write. I feel the Spirit leading, and the time is ripe to get words out to those who are willing to read them The movie got me thinking and convicted my heart of complacency on my own part.

The Ultimate Unplanned Pregnancy

The ultimate in unplanned pregnancies was predestined before the beginning of the world. I cannot help but think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was a teenager – maybe 13-15 years old. She was engaged to be married, yet a virgin. Talk about shock when she hears from the angel that she will become pregnant. That might be expected for a young girl fooling around, it may be a surprise when her methods of “prevention” don't prevent. But Mary had to ask the question, HOW CAN THIS BE since I am a virgin? (See Luke 1:26-38) It defied logic. Talk about an unplanned pregnancy.

I’m sure Mary, after submitting herself to the will of God so gracefully, started wondering how she was going to tell her parents. What would Joseph think? There was a law that a woman pregnant outside of marriage should be stoned. Was she in danger? I’m sure she felt alone. Frightened – terrified even. She knew they would all find out eventually – when she didn’t separate herself as the law required when her time of woman came each month. I’m sure she questioned whether this was the right time for her to become a mother. She probably doubted whether she had what it would take to raise a son – much less the son of God!

And I started musing over the fact that God would choose a virgin to bear his son. Outside of the necessary fact of Jesus being separate from Adam’s seed, I wonder if God chose a virgin to give us a beautiful picture of grace in the midst of an “unplanned pregnancy.”

What if it Happened Today?

I cannot help but wonder what Mary would endure if today in our culture, in our country, she found herself in those circumstances – A member of a minority group, a very young teenager, she finds out she is pregnant and no one knows who the father is, part of a religious community that scorns shame and embarrassment. Would she find the support she needed? Or would she more likely be taken to a planned parenthood clinic to “take care of the problem?” We want our daughter to have a life and opportunities. No one will accept her, much less marry her if she has a child at her age. She’s not ready to become a mother. Her parents might think. Would they see an easy out in order to protect their daughter and themselves?

What about her friends? Would they encourage her to take a simple pill so her life can get back to normal? Would they repeat the lies in her ears that it’s just a blob of tissue and cannot feel anything at this point?

How Would I Respond?

What about me? Would I pray for her, encourage her, support her, take her to a Pregnancy care center, help her look into options and love her like Christ? Or like so many abortions happening in my neighboring cities each day, would I ignore it? It’s not my problem. I cannot solve a national crisis. It doesn’t affect me. It’s not my responsibility. And some might argue that scripture isn’t even clear on the matter of abortion. I really appreciate the perspective drawn out in this article to address that issue specifically.

The problem is, it would affect me and everyone else on the planet who ever lived. Getting rid of that "blob of tissue" would have destroyed the Savior of the world and denied the possibility of salvation through Christ. Each “Unplanned” pregnancy has the potential to change the world! (This is not denying the sovereignty of God and that his plans could not be thwarted. Using this example is simply to show how God can even use unexpected circumstances to bring himself ultimate glory.)

God's Grace through Joseph

But Joseph, being a righteous man, did not want to publicly shame Mary. He put her away quietly and protected both her dignity and was a crucial instrument in protecting the innocent, beautiful life of the Son of God. He didn’t listen to the culture. He didn’t fall prey to the expectations of his neighbors or his Rabbi. He didn’t follow the requirements so stringently placed on him by the “law.” And I’m sure he was ridiculed, probably lost friends and maybe even some of his standing as a Jewish man in Nazareth.

In so many ways, the ultimate in unplanned pregnancies is set before us as a beautiful example of how we should fight for and protect all unplanned pregnancies. We should be righteous people of God like Joseph was and be willing to accept the criticism and inconvenience of moving against the tide of our culture.

Ignorant No More

We cannot ignore this issue any more. More than likely, each one of us has been touched in one way or another by the issue of abortion. The blood of millions of babies are crying out to us from the ground, and what are we doing about it?

If you’re like me, for the longest time, I simply ignored it. I wasn’t the one working in the clinic killing these babies. I wasn’t convincing women this was their right. I wasn’t involved in an unplanned pregnancy of my own or my friends’. So I wasn’t guilty (or so I thought.) Yet, as I watched the movie last night, God convicted my heart that I am guilty – very guilty. My silence, my ignorance, my lack of prayer is an overarching acceptance of the way things are in our country. I am held responsible for the massive slaughter of infants in our country. And I am sure that if I stay silent, I will be held responsible in part when I stand before God in heaven one day – as will you!

What Can We Do?

So where do we go from here? How do we begin to go against the tide of our culture? How do we rise and fight with all that is in us against this horror?

1. Educate ourselves – see the movie Unplanned. Theaters and Showtimes Not only does this movie open our eyes to the truth behind the abortion industry, but it also shows the power of prayer, love, and grace. Each time we buy a movie ticket to a show like this, we are telling the theaters that we want this and movies like this playing in our community. If you’ve seen it already, take a friend that might be impacted as well!
   
2. PRAY! Nothing moves the heart of God like His people on their knees. Check out 40 Days for Life if you’re interested in something organized or make a commitment on your own or with a group of friends to spend a certain number of days crying out to God on behalf of the unborn babies who are at risk in our country.
   
3. Find your local pregnancy care centers. Donate money or time to come along side of them. They are feet on the ground caring for women with unplanned pregnancies. These centers need our financial support, our prayer support, volunteers, donations of goods and so much more.
   
4. Don’t condemn a friend who has had an abortion. Help her to find the help that she needs. Post abortive syndrome is real, its hard, its ugly. She doesn’t need more guilt. She needs our love poured out in abundant mercy. If you've had an abortion, God's grace is enough! You are greatly loved! Also, if you know someone involved in the abortion industry, love on them, pray for them and if they want out, refer them to and then there were none.
   
5. Learn how to defend your position on being pro-life without initiating religious debate Here’s my 60 second spill:
   
   "The American College of Pediatricians (physician journal backed by scientific evidence) issued an article in 2014 stating that life begins at conception. Our Declaration of Independence states that all men [persons – members of the species homo sapiens] are created equal and as such are entitled to the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. As a conscience bearing adult, that means that I have a responsibility to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves, whether the unborn, the elderly, or the incapacitated. Their lives matter!" (outside of my personal religious convictions, this is my statement on being pro-life.)
   
6. Be a Joseph to a friend in dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Walk in grace. Support her. Help her to find the resources she needs whether it is finances, lodging, an adoption agency or simply a listening ear. Assure her she is not alone and that God’s grace is enough even now. Mary did it, Jesus was born and changed the course of history!

I challenge you as I challenge myself – don’t remain silent any longer! Our prayers, our love, and showing the grace of our merciful God can enact change if we are willing to take stand for the truth!

The Lie and the Truth of the Failing Mom

“Failure!” I heard it scream in my heart. “Failure!” You’re leaving your kids with unmet needs. You’re incapable of getting your baby to stay asleep. You’re pushing your oldest through his schoolwork. You’re doing too much housework. You’re not working out enough. “Failure!” I heard threatening my identity when I didn’t hear the phone the 5^th time my husband called, and I didn’t hear the doorbell the three times he rang it. “Failure!” It’s all my fault he’s late for work.

Each day, one moment is melting into another as I get lost in the swirl and chaos of four little boys age 5 and under. The oldest needs help with school. The youngest needs his most basic biological needs met (which for anyone who has never had experience with an infant, it takes a lot of time to do so!!!). The two in the middle – well, where do they fit in? I try to find things for them to play with, watch, of do (shoot, I’m probably letting them watch too many movies right now – failure!) while I help the oldest and the youngest. And somewhere in here, someone has to make meals, feed kids, wipe bums, change diapers, clean dishes, clean clothes, bathe bodies and wipe snotty noses. (Forget mamma getting a shower – who has time for that?)

Try to get up early? Yep, tried – but when you get 3-4 hours of sleep because said littlest has needs overnight, you don’t even hear your alarm go off in the morning. Tried getting naps too, but my brain won’t slow down long enough to let me relax.

So this is where I’ve found myself this afternoon – on my couch with my computer, coffee, and a cookie (mamma’s got to get some endorphins from somewhere) willing that my youngest does not awake from his afternoon nap too early.

I’ve had experience with these emotions before. They are nothing new. I’ve heard that word – failure – it’s all too familiar.

I’ve come to see this for what it is – a lie.
And I’ve come to see this for what it is – the truth.

The Lie

Let me explain. The truth of the matter is that my kids are alive. They are well fed. They are hearing the word of God on a regular basis. They are getting hugs and kisses, and for the most part, plenty of sleep. The oldest is learning to read and do his addition. My house is not a pig sty. Most days we have clean clothes to wear – and I get a shower at least once a week! All of this signifies that I’m not “failing” on a routine basis.

That’s why this is a lie! there’s only one who wants me to feel a failure in this way (my enemy). Why? Because he wants me to give up. He doesn’t like the potential of what it could look like for parents to raise four boys for the glory of their Creator. That scares him. So if he can just get me to get discouraged and think it’s not worth it or that I cannot do it, I may just give up and decrease the potential of the amazing impact my boys could have on the world around them. (Do not lose heart in doing good – for in due time, you will receive a reward if you do not give up!)

The Truth

The truth of the matter is that this word. This “failure” is in fact very true. I have yet to meet a woman who can do it all – the perfect house, the perfect kids (especially when there is more than one), the perfect decisions to please everyone around her, the perfect body, etc. And I am no exception to the rule. 

That's why this is the truth! There’s only One who wants me to feel a failure in this way (my Savior). Why? Because until I can admit my inadequacies, I cannot accept His all sufficiency. Because until I can admit my weakness, I cannot grasp His Strength. Because until I can confess my foolishness, I cannot understand His wisdom. (For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength).

It’s only when I realize my failings that I can begin to trust God’s sovereignty. It’s only when I come to Him with empty hands that He can fill them. His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect in my weakness – so it is, when I am weak, I am strong.

I, myself, am a failure. I cannot do it. But Christ in me is more than enough – and when I live out of that truth, I see that He will do exceedingly more than I could ask or think. For my God is enough. His presence in me is enough. And he makes my failures into more than enough to be used for His glory!

Edit March 2020: 

The original post was created five years ago. In all honesty, it hasn't gotten easier - just different. We've added two boys, moved to a smaller house, weathered a mental health crisis, and now we sit in self-quarantine during the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic. Life is hard, and perhaps it always will be. But through it all, I have discovered that my pursuit of truth and the glory of God is crucial in maintaining proper perspective. 

None of us are enough for this job of mothering (and many who have just been thrust into full time stay-at-home-home-school-mom status due to this crisis may feel beyond overwhelmed!) I see you. I care! If you can find even a moment today (put on a virtual field trip for the kids or send them to the backyard to run around) to breathe, take it. Find a spot of beauty (a house plant, a warm shower, a photo album, some music). Take a minute to just be. Realize that Christ is here - even in the midst of this chaos. He is still in control. His strength is still enough. 

He's got this, Mamma! He's got you! And you've got this in His strength! Take your next step with Him today, and trust Him for the one after that. Grace and Peace!