It's a(nother) BOY!

I very much disliked being at church today. From the trite responses to the sympathetic looks about our news of our 6^th boy on the way, to how I felt like I had to justify our decision to be done to some and defend our decision to continue having kids to this point to others, I rapidly grew exhausted of the game. I didn’t feel freedom to be completely honest with anyone I encountered today, and that fact alone makes church so hard. When I feel like I have to wear a mask around our church family, there’s just something that seems wrong about that. Family should equate to authenticity. Unfortunately, many times heavier masks are worn in the church setting than anywhere outside of it. And we continue to suffer in silence. If you grieve, you’re not trusting God or being joyful, right?

So, I’ve started wondering, what would it look like to take mine off: to decide that I’m rooted enough in who I am in Christ and in where he has led us in our decisions that it doesn’t matter the response we get, to be willing to answer honestly when I’m asked about disappointment with another boy, to take the time to explain the journey Christ has my heart on now, and if the tears come, allow them to willingly. What I’ve always thought as strength – holding it all together – is really just fear of man. Choosing rather to be who I am, where I am, dealing with what I am and being willing to share that no matter the outcome – that is true strength.

From the moment we found out we were pregnant again, I had a gut feeling that we were having another boy. That first day, when we saw the positive test, we easily agreed on his name: Nathaniel Benjamin – Treasured gift of God, son of my right hand. I joked with friends early on that we were probably having another boy – that’s our trend, right? Why change a good thing? I reasoned that I would deal with strong emotions either way – another boy would be easier. I had everything I needed. I wouldn’t need to re-learn to parent. And having a girl brought up certain concerns as well – namely her safety as she grew up in this crazy world. Yes, a boy would just be simpler. But my heart still leaked longing for some pink in my house, some bows, some frills, some glitter – something other than sheer male energy, dirt, bugs, sports, wrestling, “bad-guys”, and things constantly randomly getting broken. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of those things (well, minus things getting broken). I love my sons with all of my heart, but a piece of me still longed for that girl – to be able to share just a piece of my feminine side and have it innately understood and appreciated.

Twenty weeks came, and with it our ultrasound. We didn’t get a clear picture of parts, but the tech thought she saw boy parts. I took this as a definite maybe and began to process the news. But since we weren’t 100% convinced, we did a blood test to verify her assumption. The results came back on Thursday – 100% boy!

I am so excited that we are adding Nathaniel to our family. I’m thrilled that I won’t have to buy anything extra, that we won’t wind up with a double amount of toys in the house, that we are familiar with having sons, that we can look forward to many challenging adventures in the days to come, that Jeshua will have a male playmate close in age. But that’s where it gets complicated – we’ve been seeking God about our family size. We’ve been seeking wisdom. We’ve emptied ourselves of our own desires and asked God what his desire is for our family. After much prayer and conversation, we’ve determined that this is our number: six boys to raise for the glory of God. We long to be faithful with what he has blessed us with, and we feel like God has other ministry opportunities on the horizon for our family. With that in mind, six young men to change the world is God’s best for us. So that means this is it. This is the end of that subtle longing for a girl. I’m closing the door on this chapter. People ask if I’d like to try again, and in all honesty, my answer is no. I don’t feel God calling us to that. Not to mention, we very well might have another boy anyway if we did try.

We’ve never “tried” for a girl. We’ve had this many kids because we felt like God was leading us to have this many. And obviously, he wanted us to have six sons. I’m okay with that. Yet, this is where my joy turns bittersweet. The tears well up, fill my eyes and spill over as I consider things I will never get to enjoy with a biological daughter.

I grieve over never having the opportunity to look in my child’s eyes and see a tangible piece of myself. (Everyone claims all the boys look like Jared.) I grieve over the thought of missed tea parties, princess parties, and playing house with dolls. I grieve over never having the opportunity to teach a daughter about modesty, being a lady, shaving, periods, never getting the opportunity to go wedding dress shopping with a girl. I grieve not being able to welcome my daughter into the role of motherhood herself, over not having a kindred spirit to share our hearts over coffee or tea, over missing out on girly shopping in general. I grieve over not having chick flick nights. I grieve over not having hair to braid or teach about the deeper beauty that resides on the inside. I grieve over lost sparkles, frills, and twirling. I grieve over not having a daughter to share my heirlooms with – dolls and treasures. I grieve over hopes built up over years, clothes thoughtfully chosen “just in case.” I grieve over not being able to share my name or my grandmother’s name with a child. I grieve over hopes and dreams that are being washed away as the tears wash down my cheeks.

Out of all of this, I’ve realized that it’s really okay to feel this way. It doesn’t mean that I love my son any less. My tears don’t show some underlying weakness. And even if I hid it all, pushed it away, lived in logic and told myself to be okay, God wouldn’t be tricked by my mask or façade. He sees and knows my heart and my very deepest longings – he’s the one who put them there in the first place. He cares that my heart is breaking. He cares that I feel there’s a hole that will never be filled. He takes my tears and places them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). There is a time for grief (Ecclesiastes 3:4). And now is that time for me. But I can also be encouraged by the fact that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

In the meantime, friends, if you see tears in my eyes when I talk about my son, give me grace. If you see me swallow hard when I see a pretty girly dress, a little girl twirling, or a princess tea party, just know that it hurts a little. If I hesitate when you ask if I’m disappointed, just know that there’s so much more to the story. And if I cry, just give me a hug. I’ll be okay. I know God’s got this. I trust him. And in the meantime, I will continue to pour out my heart to him – God is my refuge (Psalm 62:8). 

How to Walk Worthy in 2019

I feel something inside me changing. I’m not sure what it is or what it will look like yet. But I want to share it – to help others find the same abundant life. This word study that I have been looking into – “peripateo axios” (Walk Worthy Eph. 4:1, Colossians 1:10, 1 Thessalonians 2:12). Circumferential and fully encompassing of every area of life with a center axis point at which everything else rotates. So, to put that in English: each area of my life (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, mental, hormonal, etc.) finds its anchor point in the person and work of Christ and in the purpose of bringing him glory by being intimately connected to him in each and every moment. Decisions are made, actions carried out, fruit produced in the strength of and for the glory of God alone. Optimal health for his glory. Optimal growth for his glory. Optimal outreach for his glory.

It would be easy to hold off on the “start” of this journey until I can really lose weight – I’m halfway through pregnancy, so that’s not happening anytime soon. Or part of me could easily fall into self-striving in an attempt to find this ideal in every area of life. But that’s not what my heart is being summoned to at this point.

In the old Testament, believers in the promise and followers of the Torah were instructed to give a tenth (a tithe) of their first fruits toward the growth and development of the temple. Many today, still follow that principle in their finances, but what would it look like to take that a step further? We are told that our bodies are now temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). What would it look like to invest 10% of our time, energy, and focus each week to provide for the growth and development of where the Holy Spirit resides? We are the church – are we at optimal performance for the glory of God? Is my body, mind, and heart functioning at a point that I can fulfill the will of God? That’s the whole purpose of walking worthy – that we may be fully pleasing to Him in every way.

In my current state, can I be the wife or mother God has called me to be? In my management of stress, nutrition, fitness and rest am I living in such a way as to optimize time, energy, and focus for the things of God or am I more likely to be self-indulgent in my food, activities, and entertainment choices? Just some questions I’m pondering as we approach this new year.

I want 2019 to be different. I want to start now - taking steps toward finding that deeper communication with the Holy Spirit on a moment by moment basis so that whether I eat or drink or whatever I do, it can all be done for the glory of God.

Wanna join me? A journey like this will look different for each person, but I’d love to share mine and hear what God is teaching you as you venture down this road of walking worthy of the Lord. 

When the Scale Doesn't Move, Eat a Cookie

I looked down at the scale; my lips curled into a frown. I had my baby 5 weeks ago, and I was barely down 7 pounds. Sighing deeply, I moved to the bookshelf and retrieved the diet book. Guess it’s time to pull up my big girl pants - literally - and do this. I flipped through the pages and found the information I was looking for - low carb cleanse. It had worked before, so I purposed to stock my pantry and fridge with the required items and follow the plan. I couldn’t wait to see the pounds melt off.

Five days later, I skipped to the scale expecting to see big results. As the number appeared, my mouth dropped in horror. What was wrong with this thing? It hadn’t budged!

Dinner Arrives

A friend had volunteered to bring us dinner that night. As the food came in and my house filled with the smells of warm comfort, my stomach rumbled in desire. It had been a long day, and I was hungry - really hungry. I thanked my friend and unpacked hot chicken pot pie, bread sticks, salad, and just-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies. Ohhh! Chocolate chip - my favorite! My mouth watered, but I stood there dumbfounded. Of all this glorious dinner, only the salad fit my low carb plan. I felt the tears fill my eyes as I stared at the wafting steam from the dishes. What was I going to do?

I retreated to my room where I cried angry. God, this diet has worked before. Why isn’t it working this time? I’m trying to be so faithful, but I’m so hungry!

I started to weigh my options. I could pitch the whole thing and just enjoy myself. But where was the self-control in that? I could stick with my diet and just eat a salad; but I knew that wouldn’t fill my stomach making me even more emotional, and it wouldn’t give me the calories I desperately needed in order to feed my baby.

My Body, His Temple

As I sat there, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 came to mind. “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

If my body is the temple of the almighty God, then he must know exactly what my body needs at each given moment. Maybe I should ask him what he thinks? So that’s what I did. Over the course of the next half hour or so, my loving Father led my heart to several passages of Scripture and began a paradigm shift that would change my life.

“‘All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,’ but I will not be dominated by anything’" (1 Corinthians 6:13).

The enticing food sitting on my kitchen counter was not bad, wrong, or unlawful for me to consume. The question I had to consider was whether it would be helpful or controlling in that moment.

I began to ponder the options I had laid before myself. If I threw up my hands and indulged my every appetite, the very food that I was consuming would be taking mastery over me.

“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:2-3).

In that moment, my eyes were opened to the truth. If it was possible for food to become an idol in my life, could it be that - even in my desire to be healthy and do things right - my diet could also become a little “g” god in my life? Maybe my diet and my desire for health wasn’t exactly aligned with God’s design for my body.

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer” (1 Timothy 4:4-5).

If I chose not to eat any of the food provided because of my fear (fear of calories, the scale, messing up the diet, etc.), I was revealing the pride and ingratitude of my heart. And my well meaning diet was pushing me further away from the woman God wanted me to be.

My eyes began to clear as I realized my struggle wasn’t ultimately food. The issue at hand wasn’t even what the scale read at the end of the day. The question I had to ask myself was that of my heart’s posture. Who or what was I bowing to? My appetites? My diet? Some idea of what I should look like?

All those times in the past that I stressed myself out because of the rules of a diet or how fast the weight was (or was not) coming off, I was bowing to those things. The diet and the scale - both becoming my master. I was worshiping them before I was worshiping God.

Thank you God, for creating my body. I’m sorry I haven’t been treating it like your temple. I’m sorry I’ve had my own ideas of what I should look like, how I should eat or what I should weigh. I’m sorry I’ve never asked you. Could you give me wisdom? You promise it when I ask (James 1:5). Give me your vision for my physical body. Show me how to take care of this temple for your glory!

Food for the Stomach and Soul

As I returned to the table, new peace and joy flooded my heart. I did eat a hearty salad and a modest portion of the pot pie. And as I reached for a cookie, I felt God smile.

I returned to my room with that one cookie, sat on my bed, lifted it toward my face and inhaled deeply. Thank you, God for the cow that gave the milk that made the cream for the butter in this cookie. Thank you God for the chicken that laid the egg that was put in this cookie. Thank you God for the field that grew the wheat that produced the flour that is in this cookie. Thank you God for cocoa beans that got processed into chocolate chips that flavor this cookie.

Eating the Cookie

That chocolate chip cookie was probably pretty ordinary. Nothing spectacular went into that recipe. But that chocolate chip cookie - when I received it with a heart of gratitude - was the most delightful cookie I had ever eaten!

Sometimes glorifying God in my body is eating the cookie in gratitude. Other times, it is allowing the Holy Spirit to produce his self-control in my life and leaving the cookie on the tray.

Learning to bow to God alone is not a one-size-fits-all method. As I’ve learned to treat my body as God’s temple, I’ve seen that what is best for me may not be what is best for my friend. It’s really all about learning to walk in step with Him. Moment by moment.

May God be glorified in us as we live (and eat) for Him!

This post was originally published on True Woman Blog.

Feeling Better, Feeling Worse (How women's events really make us feel!)

Have you ever noticed when you’re in a room full of women, everyone seems to be sizing up everyone else? Some women enter confidently, some approach with questions, and others slip in and slide into the corner unnoticed. The bold flaunt airs (whether overtly or subtly) while the insecure hope no one notices their inadequacies. Why do we as woman play this constant comparison game? She has it all together, so I must not measure up in some way. And when someone else is struggling, it just makes us feel all the better about ourselves.

We take extra time before going to meet with ladies to fix our hair, our clothes, our kids, our face, our attitudes. What mask do I need to wear today in order to feel good about myself? I wonder how many compliments I will get today (about my outfit, my kids, or the dish that I cooked)? We look for those don’t we? We walk away with a count, and if we didn’t get enough we try to change something for the next time so that our “approval meter” is filled.

Call it what you may, competing, comparing, judging, insecurity, longing – it all boils right back down to idolatry. God has been showing me recently that my competitive nature, my judgmental heart, my inclination to desire the applause of men, is really rooted in a desire to be worshiped. What is this tendency to desire the praise of men? Where does it come from? And what can I do about it? Because in my deepest heart, I long to worship and glorify God alone!

In 1 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul addresses the judgmental attitudes of the Corinthians. He asks three rather rhetorical questions: For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive?

And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

Background

The Corinthian Church was primarily an outcropping of Paul’s ministry. After having left the region, he began to hear of divisions and sins that began creeping into the Church body. The country of Corinth was well-to-do – located on an isthmus between two bodies of water and two masses of land, it was a crossroads for the Grecian culture. The city was fed by a constant water supply from a natural spring, “protected by” the patron saint of seamen, “blessed by” the goddess of love, booming economically, and for all intents and purposes was rich, well established, and deeply rooted in sin culture. Some of their falling back into old practices was ignorance, yet some of it was familiarity. (How often I am here – self focus is natural…) Paul found out that they were esteeming certain teachers over and above others, and they had the mentality that they had already arrived at their “kingdom.” So he admonishes their judging hearts, emphasizes that which is not seen (the hidden things in darkness that will be exposed by the light), and asks them the three questions to really get them thinking about their judgmental attitudes in a truthful way!

Question #1 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “For who sees anything different in you?”

Question #2 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 “What do you have that you did not receive?”

Question #3 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?”

Question #1 – 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “For who sees anything different in you?”

 I found my answers to this question ironic. As I think back to my Jr. High and High School days, and even some in college, I found myself frequently trying to look like, act like, and talk like those kids that I thought were popular or well liked. I wanted the same approval they had. I wanted to “fit in.” The crazy thing about this is that I wanted to fit in so that I could stand out. My current struggle, however, is more defined: I want something unique to offer the world around me – something that no one else can. I want to be the best at one thing. Even if it’s a small thing, I want to be approved, I want to win – I want to be the best so that I can feel people giving me worth. (AKA: Giving me worship)

Paul gives us a reality check in this passage. "Therefore, judge nothing before the appointed time, wait until the Lord comes, He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time, each will receive their praise from God” (1 Corinthians 4:5). I have no right to judge the women around me because I can neither see nor know their hearts. And when we start talking about hearts, ultimately, we all wind up on a level playing field from God’s view. Romans 3:23 states that all have sinned, and James 2:10 goes on to explain that even if we keep the law in every way except one, we are still guilty of breaking the entirety of the law. Being separated from God due to sin, we are all deserving of death. Praise be to God that the death he died, he died to sin, once for ALL (Romans 6:10).

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior, but now Christ has reconciled you to himself through death to present you Holy in His sight, without blemish, and free from accusation. (Colossians 1:21-22)

So, Christ, who sees the heart, knows the thoughts, see our past, our present, and our future as the Great I AM, sees me, you, and our sisters in Christ as equals. Made in His image we sinned and fell short. We deserved death, and he came in order to reconcile us back to himself. Now, through His blood, we are holy. I am holy. You are holy, and we owe all worship to our Savior. In God’s eyes, we are saved, rescued, redeemed, clothed in the righteousness of his son, worthy, holy, and approved! When our vision begins to clear, and we can see ourselves and our sisters for who we really are, the comparison games can all step aside. We all reside on a level playing field!

The next two questions seem to address one of two perceptions we as women have of ourselves in relation to others: superiority or inferiority.

Question #2 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 “What do you have that you did not receive?” (Superiority)

Here, Paul is addressing believers here who are stuck in the pride of self-made righteousness. The “dos.” Many of the Corinthian believers resorted to a mentality of working hard and receiving all the glory for their achievements – how often I find myself here too! Throughout my growing up years, I looked at the Fruit of the Spirit as actions that I needed to work harder at so that I could be more like God. If only I could make myself more patient, more kind, more joyful, more self-controlled, if I could just work hard enough, maybe I could finally be a “good Christian girl.”

But it doesn’t work that way. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that our salvation is through grace, not by works that we have done – so that we cannot boast! Furthermore, if we look at the idea of a fruit producing plant, we see that it must be supported and fed by something (the roots). A plant can never bear fruit of its own effort or desire, but must remain connected to the main vine/root system.

When I think I have the power to produce my own fruit, it’s pride. I don’t like that word. I don’t like the people it compares me to – the sons of Noah at the tower of Babel, Ahab, the rich young ruler, the prodigal son’s brother. Pride is anything that has I at the center of it. Look what I have done, what my hands have made, the weight I lost, the kids I have, the dish I made, the gift I gave. It’s all about me, me, me.

Proverbs tells us that pride brings a man low and that it is an abomination to the Lord. 1 Peter 5:5 – God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Christ Himself, even though equal with God in all respects, did not take advantage of that equality, but humbled himself and became a servant – thinking of others before he thought of himself. (Phil. 2)

When my thinking about all that I have been given is redeemed, I can see myself in light of Christ and then learn to walk in humility as Christ did – no longer taking pride in something I did not even accomplish for myself, but learning to see myself in sober judgment and thinking of others as more important than myself, in turn, directing all worship back to God, to whom it is due!

Question #3 - 1 Corinthians 4:7 – “And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” (Inferiority)

Here we see the pendulum swing is to the other extreme – the stereotypical Eeyore – “woe is me, I’m not gifted like anyone else, how could I ever be that good?” Sometimes, this mentality is a result of years of wounds, sometime it is misinformation, sometime it is lack of knowledge, and sometimes I swing to this side when once again, I am “trying” to humble myself – not realizing that this false humility puts me in the same place as my pride.

True humility is knowing who God is, knowing who you are, and knowing where they each properly belong. I think many Christians get the idea that humility is an Eeyore sort of mentality. Unfortunately, this “woe is me” mentality is also pride in its own light – inward self-focus. “I” is once again at the center. When I find myself in this position, I’m still longing for my own worship, rather than turning my eyes toward Christ. I just get the feeling that it could never happen – but that doesn’t mean it’s not still what I am looking for.

Back to Reality

Paul is urging the Corinthians to seek, know, understand, and admit all that they have been given. He goes on to say: Already you have all you want. (They had direct access to God, they had been given salvation, blessed with the holy Spirit, rescued, redeemed, reconciled) Already you have become rich. (They were blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, they were co-heirs with Christ.) You have become kings. (They were royalty, a chosen generation, a royal people – a people belonging to God).

Final Thoughts

Our judgmental attitudes will only disappear when we begin to humble ourselves as Jesus did. When we can look at the people we interact with and see that we all start on level playing fields, when we understand that our righteous standing in God’s eyes does not depend on our own works, and when we grasp the reality of how blessed we are in Christ, we too will be able to walk as Jesus walked – in humble surrender and in the Spirit’s power.

Lord, give us your grace and strength to uproot deep seeded pride in our lives and to walk in light of who we are because of your grace and how you want to use us to impact the world!

To the Mom with the Puking Kid in the CFA Bathroom

Hi Friend! Can I call you friend? After all, we are all part of the same enormous family. To say I was a bit surprised when you rushed through the door cradling your daughter in your arms would be an accurate statement. But appalled? No. Bothered? Nope, not even really that. Though I’m sure the same mortified look that graced your face would have been plastered on my own as well had I been in your shoes last night.

But that’s how things are, aren’t they? When our own child does something that goes against the social norm – whether it’s puking in a restaurant, or throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store – We look around wondering what the old man must think of us now, or how the other mom in the bathroom  must be chiding us for bringing our sick child out in public, and we feel just awful for what we put the employees through (whether cleaning up remnants of lunch or the shattered glass spaghetti sauce jar that the one year old threw to the ground – yes, that happened to me). And these moments are hard. Really hard! But they happen. Life happens. And we get caught in the middle of it sometimes.

I’m so sorry for any rude comments that came your way as a result of last night. To be honest, I’m glad for your sake it was at Chick-fil-A and not another restaurant as the grace of the employees covers nearly any offense in that place. I’m sorry if there were other customers that were more concerned about their own comfort than in assisting a struggling momma in her moment of need. I assure you, this wasn’t your fault.

As you think back over the events and decisions of your day, second guessing where you went wrong and wishing so desperately that you could go back and just change one thing to undo the embarrassment of the evening, don’t beat yourself up. There’s no way you could have known your daughter wasn’t up for a chicken sandwich. You made your decisions based on the information you had at the time. You did your best. You’re still a good momma!

Sometimes, we as women like to look at the mommas around us, convinced that they must have it all together – never aware that their insecurities run as deep as ours. And isn’t that why we judge and condemn one another anyhow? It makes us feel better to make someone else feel worse. It makes us feel bigger to make someone else feel smaller. I guarantee you that no mother makes it through life without embarrassment, frustration, and regret. Not one!

I’m proud of you, friend. The way you handled yourself, the way your cared for your daughter – I saw how you loved her. Thank you for not chiding or making her feel guilty for something she couldn’t control.

So when you think back to last night and rushing down the aisle to the bathroom, do me a favor, k? Give yourself a little grace! I’m willing to. And the next time you see me with a puking kid in the bathroom, you can pass it back my way.

Body Image and the Fear of God

What does the fear of God have to do with my body image anyhow? I rolled the question around my mind and wondered if that really was the key to the struggle that had been weighing on my mind so heavily recently.

Ever since my fourth little boy was born, I’ve bemoaned the ways my body has morphed into someone I don’t even recognize any longer. Pants are the worst! Finding a pair that is both modest and flattering seems nearly impossible. And who has money to buy a totally new wardrobe anyhow? Not to mention, I wasn’t about to spend money on clothing that was a size larger!

The struggle was real! After my third boy, I had a paradigm shift in my thinking about food. For so long, I had lived with the mentality of fad diets and/or depriving my body in order to lose weight. Not only did I realize that this was wreaking havoc on my metabolism, but it wasn’t glorifying God with my body. And that’s what I was called to – 1 Corinthians 6:19 – your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, therefore, honor God with your body. So I studied nutrition (extensively); I learned what God created my body to consume, my needs, and how to enjoy the foods God provided without guilt! I lost weight – lots. I also learned to move my body like it was meant to move, to rest, and to manage stress in a Spirit filled way. Viva Gloria – living the glorious life. Walking in the Spirit. It was beautiful!

Why wasn’t the weight coming off this time? I was so frustrated. I know that my stress level was higher. I was getting less sleep. And I was nursing an injury that was limiting my ability to move like I wanted to. But still – I wanted more.

The truth is (and it’s nasty): I wanted people to notice again. I wanted the compliments. And I wanted to feel good about myself. PRIDE. Yep. That’s what it is. I was at the center of my thinking. How quickly right motive morph into selfish desires. I started out with the purpose of walking in the Spirit and honoring God, I slide down the slope of self-image sin.

I was more concerned about what my friend was going to say the next time she saw me than how God could use me to minister to her heart.

My heart had become ugly. Workouts took priority (for a while) over my time with God and my time with my sons and cost me energy reserves that both were more worthy of. I would eat healthy (for a time) until I got emotional and needed a quick chocolate fix or something more. Eventually, I gave way to eating whatever I felt like again (and this definitely didn’t help the body image cycle).

So I’ve experienced both sides of this coin. . . really walking in step with God and being in tune with His Spirit and seeing results, morphing into prideful body image, self-made ideals of weight loss, and shame when results didn’t happen (and easily falling back into an “I don’t care” mentality). –Maybe there’s more than two sides of this coin. ;)

I never really thought I had an issue with fear of man when it came to my body. I mean, I wasn’t really scared of how other people saw me. I’ve never been really hurt by comments or teasing. But I see now that fear doesn’t have to mean fear in a way I understand it. When I put more value on how others perceive me and less on what God sees in my heart at that moment (whether it is concern for another woman or the third cookie I want to put in my mouth), I am fearing man more than I fear God.

Father, teach me to fear you only with my body – what I eat, how I sleep, how I move, and how I relate to those around me. And may I live this glorious life that you’ve prepared for me – for your glory alone!

To Nannah, on Her Birthday: What I Remember and What I Learned

Dear Nannah,

Happy first birthday in heaven. I didn’t anticipate that you wouldn’t be spending this one with us, though I expect that heaven throws better parties that we ever could. I wanted to take a few minutes to write you this birthday and express how grateful I am for your life and your impact on mine. I only regret I never took the opportunity to do this while you were here.

I struggle to find the right words to express the depths of my love and appreciation for your life. And in some ways, it would be easier emotionally to stay busy today and now allow my heart to linger. The memories, precious, cherished, yet hard to revisit since you are no longer here to share them with. The lessons you taught me over the 31 years that I knew you were invaluable in shaping who I am today. You truly were a woman who left a legacy!

What I remember and cherish . . .

• -          Yearly tree trimming parties at your house, antique ornaments, shortbread cookies, and how you showed such grace when I broke one of your glass bells.
• -          Yearly trips to the mall to buy Easter shoes to go with our Easter dresses – and they had to be white! J
• -          How you cooked big dinners on Sunday afternoons because you relished the time with family.
• -          Dancing silly to Richard Simmons or Jazzercise in your living room while you kept up until you got tired then sat down on the couch to watch.
• -         How you taught me to tenderly care for African Violets – your favorite flowers.

• -          Dressing up as a ballerina and dancing shows for you where you always praised and applauded.
• -          My four-year-old Disney vacation with you, Mickey mouse ice cream all over my face, a giant lightbulb on the ship, and how we woke up before dawn to take pictures of the sunrise.
• -          Tiddlywinks tournaments
• -          How you dreamed of what your yard and your creek could be a place of rest, and your random chair set down the steep hill by the brook. I’m sorry you never saw that dream realized!
• -          Bedtime snacks and Brother Rabbit stories!
• -          Jergens lotion on our hands and bactine for bug bites.
• -          Your presence at our milestones – how you never missed a piano recital, gymnastics meet, or Awana awards.
• -          Walking at the mall with your friends.
• -          Awana games and the night you broke your wrist jumping over a ball in dodge ball.
• -          The Fox Theater for Little Women and several times to see the Nutcracker.
• -          Yearly Christmas ornaments.
• -          Your “catnaps” during movies.
• -          Another Disney trip where it rained all day, you bought Rachel and I yellow ponchos and rubbed our cold, wet feet warm once we got back to the hotel.
• -          Weathering the storm at St. George’s Island.
• -          How you braved our sled track that first winter in Michigan.
• -          Stories of Walter Sr. and how you cried when I found “your song.”
• -          Thanksgivings in Kentucky at the hotel and annual “surprise parties” that we always knew were coming.
• -          How you never forgot a birthday or anniversary – you loved celebrating people!
• -          Coca-Cola cake.
• -          How you surprised me by flying up for my college graduation.
• -          How you fell in love with Jared from the start.
• -          Your beauty and serenity on my wedding day.
• -          How you proudly carried your brag book of your grandchildren.
• -          How you patiently explained to two-year-old Eli how your watch worked when he asked.

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• -      How you made Kaleb giggle.
• -          The rapid, deep connection you made with Gabriel on our last trip to see you.
• -          Your faithfulness in praying for me.
• -          How you always cried when we left, but tried to cover it up.
• -          How Gabriel walked you back to your car, and somehow I knew that was the last time we would see you.

Your life has ingrained principles into mine. You taught me . . .

• -          Love covers a multitude of sins. When you were offended, you never took it personally, and you let things go very quickly. You knew that God loved you, and you offered that same love and grace to both your family and your friends.
• -          The art of distraction. When my kids would squabble, you would quickly separate them and move on to something new. Changing the subject was an art form. J
• -          A gentle answer turns away wrath. I hold no memories of you ever raising your voice. Your tone was one of gentleness and peace.
• -          Prayer is powerful and changes things. You prayed Ephesians 3:14-18 for your children and grandchildren daily. You told me. And I never doubted it as I saw the fruit of this prayer bud and flourish in my and my siblings lives.
• -          Giving is better than receiving. You servants heart and love for giving were evident from when you would argue over who was covering the dinner bill or serving by washing dishes or prepping food because you couldn’t stand not to be involved. Thank you for setting the example of servanthood!

Nannah, I would give anything to hug you one more time. I am beyond grateful that God blessed me with a woman as wonderful as you for my grandmother. And well, I guess since I couldn’t say “grandmother” as a toddler “Nannah” had to do. And I have to say, it fit you well.

Thank you for loving so well. Thank you for living so well. Thank you for being all of the woman God called you to be. I pray that I too may leave a legacy for generations to come.

Lovingly,

Hannah Elizabeth