When "Why?" Is the Burning Question in My Heart

The other night, I held my husband as he cried – and I mean cried – (as did I) as the father in Like Arrows came in to talk to his daughter, the bride. Another hit to our hearts and realization of a moment that we will miss as parents. Though I’ve grieved over not having a little girl, I still have questions. Questions that I’m not sure I’ll ever have the answer to.

 “Why?” (I hate it when my own kids ask that question) I know well the reality that God sees all and does all things well. He doesn’t owe me an answer in any way. Yet the question lingers as a winter that seems to never end. When I consider my “why” question, I realize it actually goes deeper than just those three small letters. It’s connected to my heart. When I peel back the layers, the question looks more like:

 “Did I do something wrong?”
 “Do I not have what it takes to raise a daughter?”
 “Am I not woman enough myself to set an example for a little girl?”

Just putting voice to those questions brings up another layer of wounds on my identity and beauty.

The world constantly whispers (and sometimes screams) these scars onto our hearts. “You’re not enough.” “You’re too much.” “You can’t handle it.” “No one can handle you.” “Your heart is too deep.” “You’re unwanted.” “You’re ugly, mean, rude, selfish, etc.” On and on they go. Maybe these words came through our parent’s mouths or maybe simply in a cold shoulder when we would get emotional over a seemingly trivial issue. Maybe a sibling was the favored one and we were ignored. Maybe our arrival came at a time of intense pressure in our parents lives. Maybe our parents were wonderful, and we had a genuinely loving relationship with them, but we heard these words (verbally or insinuated) from a friend at school, from a teacher, a grandparent, a boyfriend, or an employer.

We respond in one of two ways to these wounds. We get stronger, determined that we will never be hurt in that way again. Maybe anger is the coverup, or makeup, clothes, the way we carry ourselves. Or we walk around as wounded, hurting shells of people who live in constant anxiety. We tiptoe around people who present threats, we try to please and make everyone happy and do everything in our power to not rock the boat. Ultimately, at the root of both of these responses is fear – fear that we might be found out, that someone might see though our guise, that we will be seen for what we are – either too much or not enough!

But God is loving. 1 John states that He IS Love! And perfect love drives out all fear. There is no fear in love because fear has to do with punishment. That’s it. The reason I fear, the reason we fear, is that we fear the repercussions of being found out. Will we be reprimanded again or told how we should buck up? Will that person feel like we are too much to handle and walk away? If God really sees our hearts, will even he be repulsed and draw back in disgust? What kind of punishment will we incur if we’re found out to not be who we should be?

That is at the root of my question: Is God punishing me by not giving me a daughter because of something I’ve done or not done?

As I gain clarity on the reality of my question, I realize it reveals a distorted view about who God is. And that distorted view reflects on my own identity and radiates into my wounds. We have an enemy who prowls around seeking someone to destroy (1 Peter 5:8). And he does it as a deceiver, the father of lies. Isn’t that how this whole messed up world got started in the first place? One woman taking a solid bite of one lie. Oh, how I don’t want to be her. I want to see through the lies and believe the truth. Here are the lies that I’ve been tempted to chew on recently. . .

Lie: If I don’t measure up, God will withhold his love, grace and gifts.

Truth: Romans 5:8 – “But God demonstrates his own love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I didn’t measure up to begin with. I was as far from deserving or worthy of his sacrifice as anyone, and yet He still showered me with his love and gave the ultimate gift – His life for mine. John 15 states that there is no greater love than when a man will lay down his life for his friend. Amazing Grace!

Lie: If I mess up, God will be out to get me and punish me.

Truth: Psalm 103:8 – “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him, as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” I am so grateful that God’s love is not dependent on my performance. I can rest assured, that when I mess up (and I will) he is like the father of the Prodigal Son, standing there with open arms waiting to welcome me back, full of love and forgiveness.

Lie: If I get too emotional or struggle to trust God, He will be overwhelmed by me and withdraw his presence.

Truth: Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I love the Psalms for the reality and spectrum of emotions they reveal. David was considered a man after God’s own heart, and yet he openly expressed to God feelings of anger, rage, sadness, despair, depression, doubt, fear, and so many more. God longs for us to pour out our hearts to him and be our refuge (Psalm 62). And I love how David goes on to express that even when those closest to him abandons him (his father and mother), God invites him to come close (Psalm 27:10) And Paul expresses in Romans 8 that there is nothing in heaven or earth, good or bad that can ever separate us from God’s love (vs. 31-39). What reassurance that I’m never too much for my Heavenly Father!

It’s so easy to get set in our patterns of “stinkin’ thinkin’” as a friend of mine likes to call it. These lies are made to sound so much like truth. Just like Eve facing the serpent, we begin to think, You know, maybe he’s right. Maybe God hasn’t been telling us the truth all along. But my friends, I have seen first hand the devastation that can be brought by buying into these lies. Eve took a bite, and all the future was forever changed. I want to rise above this way of thinking. I want to learn to see the truth in the midst of the lies and trust the goodness of my heavenly father, no matter what.

In order to do this, I must learn to speak truth to my heart - for my heart is deceitful. Truth is found exclusively in the Word of God. The only way we will be able to fight the lies of the enemy is by keeping the truth close at hand (buckled around our waist) and hidden in our hearts.

My "why" question can be brought before the throne of God. He's not afraid of my deepest questions, fears, or wounds. As a loving Father, he will, by His Spirit, gently guide me into all truth. And when I know the truth, the truth will set me free!

When the Right Choice is the Hard Choice and Threatens to Break Your Heart

For us, that choice had to do with our dog. “It’s only a dog.” Some might mutter while others accuse “She was your dog! How could you?” Yesterday we told our dog goodbye and watched her walk away with her new owner to her new home. The tears fill my eyes now even as I write that. I never wanted it to be this way. I had so many dreams of her being our family dog forever.

We didn’t come to the decision to re-home our dog lightly. It took months, maybe even years to really realize the truth that we were no longer capable of giving her everything she needed. Ultimately, after seeking God and talking together, my husband and I knew it was time for our Gracie-girl to find a new home – one that could give her much more attention than we could at this phase in our lives. But the truth didn’t stop the ache in my heart.

We all make hard choices, some more difficult than others. Maybe for you it was saying goodbye to a child, knowing someone else could provide them with a more nurturing home. Maybe it was letting go of a relationship you knew wasn’t healthy or best. Maybe it was choosing to say “enough” to medical intervention and watching your loved one pass away peacefully. Maybe your hard choice was a single occurrence of turning down a solid job opportunity to choose your family instead, or maybe you’ve said no time after time to the advances of a co-worker choosing to honor your marriage commitment even though it’s hard. Your choice may have been like ours to re-home a pet or say goodbye permanently so they no longer have to suffer.

As believers in Christ, we are called to look for wisdom then to obey, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Whatever your choice, I’m sure it has touched your heart as ours has mine. What do you do when the right choice is hard? What do you do when it threatens to break your heart? Here are five things that have helped me. I hope they help you too!

Don’t self-medicate. When my heart hurts, I don’t like it. I’m uncomfortable, and it doesn’t feel good. The first thing my flesh wants to run to are fillers and distractions – a big bowl of ice cream, a novel, a TV show or movie, a nap, lots of dark chocolate, maybe even a run if I have that much pent up energy. Now none of these things are wrong in their own light. God gives us all gifts for our enjoyment and delight in him. The problem comes when I run to those things first and only, when I look to the food, the drinks, the entertainment to fill me back up again.

The only source of our life is Christ. “In Him was life” (John 1:4). “In Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Anything we look to in order to bring us life other than Christ himself is a cheap substitute and ultimately becomes an idol in our lives.

Staci Eldridge addresses this problem in her book Captivating. “. . . none of these really satisfy, and so we find ourselves trying to fill the remaining emptiness with our little indulgences (we call them ‘bad habits’). Brent Curtis calls them our ‘little affairs of the heart.’ They are what we give our hearts away to instead of giving them to the heart of God” (57). The substitutes and self-medicating may make us feel better for a while, but ultimately, they will leave us empty and as unfulfilled as before.

Instead of taking my heart and hiding it or distracting my heart from the pain, I have to realize that God longs to have my heart – All of it! “You will seek me and you will find me when you seek for me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). God cares about our aches and pains no matter how little they may seem to someone else, and he longs for us to pour out our heart to him. (Psalm 62:8)

Don’t listen to accusations. Everyone in the world has an opinion about your life – especially everyone on social media. You would not believe some of the things that people said about our decision as we were looking for a new home for our dog. People who didn’t even know me felt the freedom to condemn and insult. (That’s another post for another day) It hurt! It cut deeply. The saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So. Not. True. Bone heal, and they heal stronger. Hearts almost always carry scars from words rashly spoken.

Our enemy likes to take these accusations along with our own hurt and exhaustion and twist them into tempting morsels for us to chew on. I have to think the prophet Elijah was in a similar boat being the only prophet to stand for God in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation. Right after he called down fire from God to the alter on the mountain and prayed for it to rain, he found himself in the wilderness so depressed and discouraged that he asked God to let him die. Jezebel was after him. He probably felt like everyone was after him. But after a nap, and as he sought God, he found him. It wasn’t in the earthquake or the whirlwind or the fire, but afterward, he heard it – the still small voice speaking truth to his heart.

Our world, our culture can be so loud. Comments can echo around our head and heart until they seem like the only truths left. But it’s not in the noise of our social media contacts that we are going to hear words of truth from the mouth of the one who assured, “I am the way and the truth. . .” (John 14:6). Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit in John 16:13, “He will guide you into all truth.” Many times, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is constantly speaking quietly to our heart, but we drown him out with our own versions of earthquakes, whirlwinds, and fires. If we step away from the noise and quiet our hearts, we will hear the tender voice of the Holy Spirit speaking truth and comfort to our burdened hearts.

Speak truth to yourself. Sometimes even after tuning out the noise of the world, I still find it hard to hear the truth. Satan, the father of lies, is crafty and cunning and will twist nearly anything to fit his own devices in continuing to steal our joy, kill our hope and defeat our effectiveness for the glory of God.

I think that may be one of the reasons that the belt of truth is mentioned first as we put on the armor of God. For a long time, I wondered why Paul included a belt in the armor. It is neither an offensive nor defensive weapon. But the more I pondered and prayed, I realized the centrality of this piece of armor to every other piece we are commanded to take up in Ephesians 6. A belt is crucial to a garment in order to keep it tightly secured. Could you imagine fighting a battle while your pants are falling down around your ankles? The other crucial job of a belt is to provide a place to store your weapons. In the same way, truth is absolutely essential in our fight against our enemy.

When I find it hard to hear the truth, I must seek it out in the Word of God! David did the same thing commanding his heart to put his hope in God! (Psalm 42). Truth about who God is, who I am, and what He has promised prove to be a healing balm to my soul and ultimately defeats the deception of the devil.

Get outside. When my heart is hurting and all I want to do is close myself up in my room, sometimes the healthiest thing I can do is to take a walk. Getting outside reminds me that the world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Seeing trees, birds, flowers (and yes, even snow) can bring hope to my heart that even in the midst of this cruel world, God is still working his redeeming plan. And exposing my heart to beauty reminds me to be thankful for the little gifts of grace that God provides.

We see season after season how fall turns to winter then winter to spring. “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). He then will also take my heart and make something beautiful once again.

Breathe. I don’t mean deep breathing or yoga. Throughout the Bible, the same words for Holy Spirit are “Ruach” or “Pneuma” meaning breath. I have to remind myself that I am not my own life source. Christ is. The vibrancy and beauty of my heart can only come through His power.

We sang a song on Sunday. “It’s your breath in our lungs. So we pour out our praise.” (listen here) I had never realized the truth of that chorus in that way before. It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through us that we can utter our Amen to the glory of God (2 Corinthians 1:20). Try as I might, I cannot praise God in the midst of the storm unless I am sustained by the very nature of who he is in me. I can do nothing on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). It’s His Breath in our lungs. Let him pour out His praise through you.

This life is hard, and decisions that we must make are not without their effect on our hearts. But friends, if you are in the midst of your own hard right now, would you take my hand and walk with me as we make choices even in the middle of the hard stuff? Let’s journey this road together for two are better than one and a cord of three strands is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:9). I would love to hear how I can be praying for you in the midst of your hard thing! May God hold your hearts.

Good Grief: Why I Can't Simply "Count It All Joy"

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness” (James 1:2-3 ESV).

Growing up in the church, I heard this passage oft quoted when someone was grieved or struggling. Unfortunately, it’s a common theme among believers that grief over heartache or suffering must be short-lived if we are to prove our trust in God.

When we encounter trials, we may find it acceptable to shed a few tears, but then (if we are really mature) we pull up our “big girl pants” and push the feelings away under the title of “Trusting that God has a plan” and that “He will work all things out for good.”

I have been exposed to this process so repetitively that it has become ingrained in my mind and heart as a pattern to follow. Deep emotions are uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable to me and uncomfortable for others. If I’m really trusting God, I won’t continue to grieve, right?

Ironically, I don’t believe that’s what James intended from these verses. He goes on to say that we should allow steadfastness (or perseverance) have its full effect so that we may be mature and complete and lacking nothing. This perseverance does not mean (as many like to translate) pushing forward in our faith and pushing our emotions away. In the Greek, it is translated “hupomone’” – “hypo” meaning under and “meno” meaning to remain or endure. Strongs HELPS Word-studies goes on to explain that this is a God-empowered ability given to those who believe in him to “’remain (endure) under’ the challenges He allots in life.” Obviously, we are not being instructed to remove ourselves from the trial by our own efforts of trusting in God.

Peter echoes James’ sentiments in 1 Peter chapter 1, but I believe, though oft less quoted, he is more clear in the way he communicates. Peter begins by laying a foundational vision of the hope we have in Christ, the power and grace of his glory and the promises we can rest assured of. He then continues. “In this you rejoice, [comparable to James’ admonition to count it all joy] though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials” (1 Peter 1:6). Hold on a second. Peter brings up the reality of the emotion in the midst of the trials. We have been grieved!  This word “grief” in the Greek is “lupeo” – which means to experience deep emotional pain, sorrow, intense sadness. (Ladies, it’s the same word that’s used to describe the pain of childbirth – how is that for a visual?)

But Peter doesn’t stop there. He continues that this grief (not the “choice” to count it all joy) is so that the tested genuineness of our faith may bring Christ all the praise and the glory. And that’s our ultimate aim, right? As believers, we are called to image and glorify Christ on this earth – not ourselves. I’ve found that if I put forth my own effort to trust God, I am denying the power of God in my life and, in my pride, believing that I have what it takes to live the life of faith.  However, if I’m willing to patiently endure the process of sorrow (by the grace that God supplies), to walk through each phase with him, I will experience his comfort, his peace, his presence in ways that were never possible when I was choosing to “count it all joy” and remove myself from feeling those deep emotions. Ultimately, He will get the glory – not me – when he brings me to the other side full of inexpressible and glorious joy!

This concept goes against everything that has been ingrained in me for so long. Grief typically = tears. And I don’t like tears so much – at least not my own. Tears, in our culture, are translated as weakness. I’m a strong person if I can hold myself together. Now, tears are okay for babies, for kids, but I am a grown up. I shouldn’t cry, should I?

I came across this video as I was processing through this concept, and it opened my eyes to why crying may be a positive and not a negative. The Healing Power of Tears

Dr. William Frey, a biochemist at Ramsey Medical center in Minneapolis, studied the composition of different tears and discovered that emotional tears are comprised of water, salt, and stress hormones. Isn’t it amazing that God created our bodies with the wonderful ability to rid our physical systems of these stress chemicals? Tears serve both an emotional and a physical purpose! Tears are good.

But what if visiting the pain again or allowing myself to feel the grief and sorrow causes emotions or questions that go against what I should believe to be true? I love the way Priscilla Shirer addresses these concerns. Check this out: When You Are Going Through A Lot

So, my friends, I’m learning that it’s not wrong to feel. It’s actually okay to cry. Jesus, at the tomb of Lazarus, wept! He didn’t simply shed a couple of tears and move on. He was deeply moved in spirit and he mourned along with the other Jews at the graveside. Does this mean that Jesus didn’t believe the truth of who he was? Was he not solid in his identity? Did he not know what he was about to do? Absolutely not. He was fully God, yet he chose to be fully human. And in that moment, he suffered grief of a kind that we are all well acquainted with.

When I’m willing to endure through the grief, rather than escaping it, Jesus can come to me and comfort me in ways I would never know otherwise. And with that comfort, I can comfort others in their own struggle. This is the body of Christ. This is our purpose as a church – not to shore up ourselves to be stronger in our faith, but to allow Christ to come strengthen our faith in the struggle.

Grief is for our good.

It’s in the wrestling that we are made stronger.

Weeping may endure for the night, but great joy comes in the morning!