Christian Community: Being the Arms of Jesus to a Friend in Crisis

*This is a post I wrote about how others ministered to our family during my husband’s struggle with PTSD. Right now, our culture is volatile. People are hurting. They are wondering who will listen, who will love them, who will see them. We have a choice as believers to surround those who are hurting and feeling so misunderstood. We have an opportunity to reach out like never before to stand against injustice and to demonstrate the love of our gentle, peace-making Savior! The situation of our family’s crisis and the circumstances surrounding racism and injustice are not the same; however, the principles of how to care for people who are hurting remain constant. Facing racism and injustice can elicit its own crisis situations, and prolonged exposure to dehumanizing treatment can be its own form of PTSD.

November 2019: My husband experienced a PTSD crisis that rocked our world. After the initial night of constant terror, anxiety, panic and insomnia, I was lost at how to move forward, what to do, who to call. What were we going to do with our six boys? How were we going to find help? 

Thankfully, we were connected to some friends who are counselors, and by the grace of God, we were able to contact them for wisdom in the middle of the night. In the days to follow, we saw the body of Christ step up in ways like we’ve never experienced before. We witnessed a beautiful picture of how Christ uses his church to meet needs by each using their own gifts. The following are some ways we were blessed.

If you have a friend who is experiencing pain or facing crises and you don’t know how to help, here are some places to start helping them feel the arms of Jesus!

Listen

It seems this should go without saying, but the greatest gift some of our friends gave us during the crisis was the gift of listening. In The Grief Recovery Handbook, John James explains that the listener should picture themselves as a heart with ears. Listen to understand. One of my best friends offered her ears on a “whenever needed” basis. I felt the freedom to call her when I was overwhelmed, when I had questions, and when I just needed to vent. She didn’t allow my strong emotions to threaten her, but routinely asked a simple question, “What do you need from me right now?” This allowed me to be honest about whether I just needed a sounding board or if I needed someone to help me brainstorm and think through a situation.

Allow Room

Mental health crises are unpredictable. Both the one in crisis and the caregiver may experience a broad range of emotions. Know that there is not a one-size-fits-all predictable pattern that will be followed. Allow your friend room to feel -- whether it is anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, worry, or even panic. Know that feelings don’t have a permanent staying power, but can typically be expressed and released. Honor the feelings that your friend is experiencing. The significance of an event is in the perception of the receiver. Please don’t try to stamp your perspective on their suffering. 

Don’t Judge

Even being in the medical profession, I struggled with my perspective on mental health until I experienced it personally. It’s easy to think that if someone just had better life management or a stronger prayer life that they wouldn’t experience these struggles. Our counselor helped us to see the light when they explained that God created us integrated beings with a mind, will, and emotions along with our bodies. Our minds and emotions can only handle so much before they need a break, and if we haven’t learned to listen to them they eventually override all physical and mental processes in order to have their needs met. Anyone can reach a breaking point. It is not your friend’s fault. It’s simply the ways they have been taught and empowered to care for, or not care for, their being as a whole. With a rare exception, most people do the best they can with the information they have been given.

Don’t Preach

As we were journeying through this crisis, the most discouraging “help” we received were people who thought they were offering wisdom from God’s Word. Don’t get me wrong. God’s Word is living and active and powerful! But in the heat of a crisis, the brain cannot process on a logical level because the lower brain has hijacked everything else. Trying to encourage your friend to “count it all joy” or to “cast all their cares on Jesus” may very well push buttons of failure, making your friend feel like they once again don’t measure up and heaping guilt on an already overwhelmed soul. There will come a time for speaking truth, but in the crux of a crisis it may do more harm than good.

Encourage Them to Seek Help

Sometimes a crisis extends beyond our area of expertise. When my husband was awake all night long with fear and panic, I knew we needed to find a way to help him sleep. We sought the help of our counselor friend, took a trip to the ER, and spoke with our family doctor. 

If your friend is struggling with sleeping, with being overcome by panic, or with maintaining daily routines and engaging in life, encourage them to see a counselor or their doctor. Sometimes, this conversation can be difficult, and the timing has to be right for your friend to accept your suggestion. Medications can be a tremendous help in calming the body systems so that someone can learn the skills they need to keep their emotions and mind in a healthy place. 

If your friend shows signs or talks about harming themselves or others, seek help right away. If the counselor or doctor’s office is not open, you can always go to the ER or call the National Suicide Lifeline which is available 24/7.

Offer (Sometimes Insist) Practical Help

One of my major concerns when we were first faced with the crisis was what I was going to do with my six sons while I was caring for my husband. We have some close friends that took them for the day while we pursued medical help. They wound up keeping them overnight and ultimately opened their home to our sons for as long as necessary to see my husband on a healthy path. For a week, my boys were loved on by our friends and family while we tried to reach a stable point. 

Our Church body really stepped up at this time. We were in the midst of selling our home. We had projects to complete and boxes to pack. Ladies brought meals and helped pack boxes and clean our home. Men helped us complete the projects, take care of the yard, and loaded the trucks. We saw the people of God using their gifts to serve us, and we felt the love of Jesus through their help.

When someone is in a crisis, the last thing they want is to appear that they don’t have it all together. Simply asking if they need help may result in a simple, “No, we’re good.” Please don’t take that answer. Look for ways to jump in. Take the kids for an afternoon playdate. Bring a surprise coffee or flowers. One of my friends dropped by several times just to give me a hug! Offer to help with housework, bring a meal, or help with a project. If they don’t mention a need, look for one. 

Don’t Forget the Caregiver

Finally, please don’t forget the caregiver. While the person in crisis has tremendous needs, the caregiver is often overlooked. We carry much of the burden while our loved one is in crisis -- taking over extra responsibility, sacrificing sleep, and carrying our own burden of concern. Many caregivers may reach a point of caregiver burnout or even their own secondary trauma as a result of their loved one’s crisis. Ask them how they are holding up, and be willing to listen. Offer extra hugs and allow space for their emotions. In my case, my husband had always been my emotional sounding board, but in his struggle, he wasn’t able to be there for me. My friend opened her ears and her heart to mine and gave me a safe place to land when my husband couldn’t provide that. 

Consider whether the caregiver may need a break. When my husband was most unstable (for about four weeks), I was with him 24/7. I couldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t leave him with our kids. He couldn’t even drive himself to appointments. I am so grateful for one of my husband’s friends who came over to hang out with him and my sons so I could get a cup of coffee a couple of times. Those small bits of reprieve gave me what I needed to refresh and be ready to give to my husband again.

We were blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by our Church community during my husband’s crisis. In listening, encouraging your friends to seek help, offering practical assistance and caring for the caregiver, you too can be the arms of Jesus to your friends in need. 

 

Good Grief: Why I Can't Simply "Count It All Joy"

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness” (James 1:2-3 ESV).

Growing up in the church, I heard this passage oft quoted when someone was grieved or struggling. Unfortunately, it’s a common theme among believers that grief over heartache or suffering must be short-lived if we are to prove our trust in God.

When we encounter trials, we may find it acceptable to shed a few tears, but then (if we are really mature) we pull up our “big girl pants” and push the feelings away under the title of “Trusting that God has a plan” and that “He will work all things out for good.”

I have been exposed to this process so repetitively that it has become ingrained in my mind and heart as a pattern to follow. Deep emotions are uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable to me and uncomfortable for others. If I’m really trusting God, I won’t continue to grieve, right?

Ironically, I don’t believe that’s what James intended from these verses. He goes on to say that we should allow steadfastness (or perseverance) have its full effect so that we may be mature and complete and lacking nothing. This perseverance does not mean (as many like to translate) pushing forward in our faith and pushing our emotions away. In the Greek, it is translated “hupomone’” – “hypo” meaning under and “meno” meaning to remain or endure. Strongs HELPS Word-studies goes on to explain that this is a God-empowered ability given to those who believe in him to “’remain (endure) under’ the challenges He allots in life.” Obviously, we are not being instructed to remove ourselves from the trial by our own efforts of trusting in God.

Peter echoes James’ sentiments in 1 Peter chapter 1, but I believe, though oft less quoted, he is more clear in the way he communicates. Peter begins by laying a foundational vision of the hope we have in Christ, the power and grace of his glory and the promises we can rest assured of. He then continues. “In this you rejoice, [comparable to James’ admonition to count it all joy] though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials” (1 Peter 1:6). Hold on a second. Peter brings up the reality of the emotion in the midst of the trials. We have been grieved!  This word “grief” in the Greek is “lupeo” – which means to experience deep emotional pain, sorrow, intense sadness. (Ladies, it’s the same word that’s used to describe the pain of childbirth – how is that for a visual?)

But Peter doesn’t stop there. He continues that this grief (not the “choice” to count it all joy) is so that the tested genuineness of our faith may bring Christ all the praise and the glory. And that’s our ultimate aim, right? As believers, we are called to image and glorify Christ on this earth – not ourselves. I’ve found that if I put forth my own effort to trust God, I am denying the power of God in my life and, in my pride, believing that I have what it takes to live the life of faith.  However, if I’m willing to patiently endure the process of sorrow (by the grace that God supplies), to walk through each phase with him, I will experience his comfort, his peace, his presence in ways that were never possible when I was choosing to “count it all joy” and remove myself from feeling those deep emotions. Ultimately, He will get the glory – not me – when he brings me to the other side full of inexpressible and glorious joy!

This concept goes against everything that has been ingrained in me for so long. Grief typically = tears. And I don’t like tears so much – at least not my own. Tears, in our culture, are translated as weakness. I’m a strong person if I can hold myself together. Now, tears are okay for babies, for kids, but I am a grown up. I shouldn’t cry, should I?

I came across this video as I was processing through this concept, and it opened my eyes to why crying may be a positive and not a negative. The Healing Power of Tears

Dr. William Frey, a biochemist at Ramsey Medical center in Minneapolis, studied the composition of different tears and discovered that emotional tears are comprised of water, salt, and stress hormones. Isn’t it amazing that God created our bodies with the wonderful ability to rid our physical systems of these stress chemicals? Tears serve both an emotional and a physical purpose! Tears are good.

But what if visiting the pain again or allowing myself to feel the grief and sorrow causes emotions or questions that go against what I should believe to be true? I love the way Priscilla Shirer addresses these concerns. Check this out: When You Are Going Through A Lot

So, my friends, I’m learning that it’s not wrong to feel. It’s actually okay to cry. Jesus, at the tomb of Lazarus, wept! He didn’t simply shed a couple of tears and move on. He was deeply moved in spirit and he mourned along with the other Jews at the graveside. Does this mean that Jesus didn’t believe the truth of who he was? Was he not solid in his identity? Did he not know what he was about to do? Absolutely not. He was fully God, yet he chose to be fully human. And in that moment, he suffered grief of a kind that we are all well acquainted with.

When I’m willing to endure through the grief, rather than escaping it, Jesus can come to me and comfort me in ways I would never know otherwise. And with that comfort, I can comfort others in their own struggle. This is the body of Christ. This is our purpose as a church – not to shore up ourselves to be stronger in our faith, but to allow Christ to come strengthen our faith in the struggle.

Grief is for our good.

It’s in the wrestling that we are made stronger.

Weeping may endure for the night, but great joy comes in the morning!