When "Why?" Is the Burning Question in My Heart

The other night, I held my husband as he cried – and I mean cried – (as did I) as the father in Like Arrows came in to talk to his daughter, the bride. Another hit to our hearts and realization of a moment that we will miss as parents. Though I’ve grieved over not having a little girl, I still have questions. Questions that I’m not sure I’ll ever have the answer to.

 “Why?” (I hate it when my own kids ask that question) I know well the reality that God sees all and does all things well. He doesn’t owe me an answer in any way. Yet the question lingers as a winter that seems to never end. When I consider my “why” question, I realize it actually goes deeper than just those three small letters. It’s connected to my heart. When I peel back the layers, the question looks more like:

 “Did I do something wrong?”
 “Do I not have what it takes to raise a daughter?”
 “Am I not woman enough myself to set an example for a little girl?”

Just putting voice to those questions brings up another layer of wounds on my identity and beauty.

The world constantly whispers (and sometimes screams) these scars onto our hearts. “You’re not enough.” “You’re too much.” “You can’t handle it.” “No one can handle you.” “Your heart is too deep.” “You’re unwanted.” “You’re ugly, mean, rude, selfish, etc.” On and on they go. Maybe these words came through our parent’s mouths or maybe simply in a cold shoulder when we would get emotional over a seemingly trivial issue. Maybe a sibling was the favored one and we were ignored. Maybe our arrival came at a time of intense pressure in our parents lives. Maybe our parents were wonderful, and we had a genuinely loving relationship with them, but we heard these words (verbally or insinuated) from a friend at school, from a teacher, a grandparent, a boyfriend, or an employer.

We respond in one of two ways to these wounds. We get stronger, determined that we will never be hurt in that way again. Maybe anger is the coverup, or makeup, clothes, the way we carry ourselves. Or we walk around as wounded, hurting shells of people who live in constant anxiety. We tiptoe around people who present threats, we try to please and make everyone happy and do everything in our power to not rock the boat. Ultimately, at the root of both of these responses is fear – fear that we might be found out, that someone might see though our guise, that we will be seen for what we are – either too much or not enough!

But God is loving. 1 John states that He IS Love! And perfect love drives out all fear. There is no fear in love because fear has to do with punishment. That’s it. The reason I fear, the reason we fear, is that we fear the repercussions of being found out. Will we be reprimanded again or told how we should buck up? Will that person feel like we are too much to handle and walk away? If God really sees our hearts, will even he be repulsed and draw back in disgust? What kind of punishment will we incur if we’re found out to not be who we should be?

That is at the root of my question: Is God punishing me by not giving me a daughter because of something I’ve done or not done?

As I gain clarity on the reality of my question, I realize it reveals a distorted view about who God is. And that distorted view reflects on my own identity and radiates into my wounds. We have an enemy who prowls around seeking someone to destroy (1 Peter 5:8). And he does it as a deceiver, the father of lies. Isn’t that how this whole messed up world got started in the first place? One woman taking a solid bite of one lie. Oh, how I don’t want to be her. I want to see through the lies and believe the truth. Here are the lies that I’ve been tempted to chew on recently. . .

Lie: If I don’t measure up, God will withhold his love, grace and gifts.

Truth: Romans 5:8 – “But God demonstrates his own love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I didn’t measure up to begin with. I was as far from deserving or worthy of his sacrifice as anyone, and yet He still showered me with his love and gave the ultimate gift – His life for mine. John 15 states that there is no greater love than when a man will lay down his life for his friend. Amazing Grace!

Lie: If I mess up, God will be out to get me and punish me.

Truth: Psalm 103:8 – “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him, as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” I am so grateful that God’s love is not dependent on my performance. I can rest assured, that when I mess up (and I will) he is like the father of the Prodigal Son, standing there with open arms waiting to welcome me back, full of love and forgiveness.

Lie: If I get too emotional or struggle to trust God, He will be overwhelmed by me and withdraw his presence.

Truth: Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I love the Psalms for the reality and spectrum of emotions they reveal. David was considered a man after God’s own heart, and yet he openly expressed to God feelings of anger, rage, sadness, despair, depression, doubt, fear, and so many more. God longs for us to pour out our hearts to him and be our refuge (Psalm 62). And I love how David goes on to express that even when those closest to him abandons him (his father and mother), God invites him to come close (Psalm 27:10) And Paul expresses in Romans 8 that there is nothing in heaven or earth, good or bad that can ever separate us from God’s love (vs. 31-39). What reassurance that I’m never too much for my Heavenly Father!

It’s so easy to get set in our patterns of “stinkin’ thinkin’” as a friend of mine likes to call it. These lies are made to sound so much like truth. Just like Eve facing the serpent, we begin to think, You know, maybe he’s right. Maybe God hasn’t been telling us the truth all along. But my friends, I have seen first hand the devastation that can be brought by buying into these lies. Eve took a bite, and all the future was forever changed. I want to rise above this way of thinking. I want to learn to see the truth in the midst of the lies and trust the goodness of my heavenly father, no matter what.

In order to do this, I must learn to speak truth to my heart - for my heart is deceitful. Truth is found exclusively in the Word of God. The only way we will be able to fight the lies of the enemy is by keeping the truth close at hand (buckled around our waist) and hidden in our hearts.

My "why" question can be brought before the throne of God. He's not afraid of my deepest questions, fears, or wounds. As a loving Father, he will, by His Spirit, gently guide me into all truth. And when I know the truth, the truth will set me free!