"Crazy - Filled to Overflowing with Adventure, Risk, and Emotion"

June 14, 2013

I sit here and stare at my computer screen. My eyes just want to close. How to pray, what to pray, nothing is clear – just a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings and an overwhelming sense of tiredness. The last two days haven’t been bad, just busy – filled with good things, things that needed done, but maybe filled too full. I’ve spent a lot of time with my husband side-by-side, but we haven’t gotten a lot of face-to-face time, and I miss that. I’m really excited about our date night tonight.

I feel like I’ve failed a lot over the past two days – for one thing, my practical preparedness has been lacking immensely (forgetting Noah’s bed, forgetting to pump up the volleyball, failing to plan out what we need for the day resulting in rushed, hurried, stressful mornings). Quadrant two has been neglected. And I need to get back to a level of functioning that allows me to prioritize the most important things in order to live a smoother day.

Thoughts are still jumbled.  I want to pray for my family. I want to submit this day to You. I want to discover exactly what it is on my heart this morning, and I want you to take control of the deep places, the scary corners that I don’t understand.

For a while, I feel like You’ve been doing a great work in my life. Helping me to focus on gratefulness, service, walking in the Spirit. The walking itself does not eliminate the chaos of the day, but helps me to learn how to react and respond to it differently than I used to. I don’t think this matched up with my original picture of walking in the Spirit. I had the sense that if I were to be walking step by step with You, my life would miraculously transform into this bed of roses and everything would be walking on sunshine. My problems would disappear and any circumstances that were not ideal would be swept into glorious graces.

Reality has shown me that the truth of the matter is that life is hard, and when we are walking with the Spirit, sometimes life gets harder. What I mean is that our enemy doesn’t like to see us learning how to live like Christ. If we are going to be believers, he wants to keep us as complacent and minimally effective as possible.   If there’s one thing he hates more than a Christ Follower, it’s a Christ Follower on Fire!

Part of me might want to get discouraged, say walking with the spirit is too much work. I’m encountering more trials now than I ever did when I wasn’t trying as hard. Life was easier when I was just coasting. But what is coasting? Just waiting for the end? What kind of life is that?

If I really want to LIVE and I mean LIVE this life to the fullest, experiencing each moment as a gift that it is and giving all the glory back to God, I have to be willing to struggle, suffer, sacrifice. Ken Davis puts it this way, ... And a life that is truly alive is not “safe, comfortable, passive, and predictable, but crazy—filled to overflowing with adventure, risk, and emotion.”  That’s the kind of life I want to be living.

So I choose right now the struggle. Lord, I know nothing comes my way unless it is sifted through your fingers first, and you have already provided the grace that I need to make it through each moment.

I choose right now to suffer because in suffering, we are made aware of our weaknesses and if we persevere, we come out on the other side stronger. In this world I will have trouble, but I will take heart for my Savior has already overcome the world.

And I choose right now sacrifice because that’s what You chose for me. You paid the ultimate price to call me your child, and You are deserving of every ounce of strength I have every single day for the rest of my life. I will give You my best! I will give You my heart even if it costs me my life! Because that’s the life I want – one that is fully alive (the only way I can be truly alive) in You!

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The Elusive Hum of the Refrigerator

June 11^th, 2013 (just after lunch)

 

Chaos – that’s what the last hour and a half has been. Pure Chaos. I got Noah down for his morning nap and proceeded to complete medicine boxes so that wouldn’t be riding on my shoulders when Oliver was here. About 2/3 of the way through (with Gabriel vying for my attention the entire time) Noah woke up screaming bloody murder. Eli asked if he could go talk to him. I said sure, just not to get in his bed. Next thing I know, Gabriel was in the room as well – trying to entertain Noah by throwing toys in his bed …. Where one of the toys obviously hit Noah on the head making him scream even harder.

I retrieved the infant one and returned to the gated office to try to finish up these medicine boxes. The whole time, Noah proceeded to whine and babble about how much he was put off. I finished up as quickly as I could and put the boxes back in the locked closet before heading upstairs to make sandwiches for the boys and myself. I laid Noah on the changing table talking to him as I went. I whipped together the peanut-butter-laden bread with sticky purple jam and cut a pepper. Summoning the boys to the table, I plopped the plates down and strapped the little one in. I thanked God rather rashly before rushing off to the bathroom, closing the door to muffle the screams of the baby. “God I need grace!!!” Noah had been screaming the entire time I was making food and had a very difficult time calming in order to nurse. Several times, he worked himself up again and started the tears all over – there was nothing I could do to comfort him.

About the time he finally did calm, Gabe started screaming for more of something and would not be consoled from across the room. I lumbered into the kitchen with the baby still suckling. I had Gabe start counting – which he did, but as whiny as he could muster. I struggled to fill the sippy and attach the lid with one hand, but finally managed. Then I took Noah to the nursery to finish nursing and lay him down.

Once he was down, I tackled Gabe – too far gone to be worth pushing the rest of his lunch, Gabe accepted my arms and we washed his hands and face. A quick prayer later, he was in bed with a book. Music, kisses, and goodnight.

Eli headed downstairs with his toys and we set him up in the office where I noticed Gabe was screaming again. This time he was frantic because he couldn’t find his “ball ball” blanket. Once I reminded him that he had put it under his pillow early this morning, he settled down pretty easily and fell asleep quickly. I walked out of his room, paused and sighed. All I could hear was the refrigerator humming – what bliss! I finished making my salad and headed out to the screen porch where I started working on this. All too soon, it seemed, little nephew was here.

I took a break from my processing and welcomed him, helping him get settled with toys. I folded most of a load of laundry before Noah started screaming yet again – it was as if he were terrified. I stopped with the laundry and went to pick him up where he startled Gabriel into an awake state who also started screaming, and when I went in to comfort him with the infant one, I shut the door so the nephew wouldn’t come in and he also started screaming….3 at once. What happened to my blissful hum of the refrigerator? I could no longer hear it!

I calmed Gabe, put Noah in the wrap, found new toys for Oliver. Finally, not all screaming. Then I hear my name – from a familiar 3-year-old in the basement. “Can I be done resting?” No, of course you cannot be done my brain thought. It’s only been 30 minutes and I’ve had my fill of being needed!!! I walked downstairs where I explained the situation in a 3-year-old logic. Coming back up, I looked around. My heart was pounding. My breathing was rapid. All I wanted to do was crawl in a dark hole with ear plugs and a cup of coffee and sip until I woke up from this awful dream. I haven’t felt that much panic in a long time.

I’ve felt so distracted all day. Mainly Case Management stuff and looking at the big picture of the next week – feeling like I haven’t gotten the down time I need nor the time with my husband. Freaking out over forgetting the busy days to come, wanting desperately just to tell everyone no and eliminate everything from my schedule. I hate busyness! Part of me began to wonder if I am in a season of life right now where I need to do some of that? My kids are at such a critical stage, and I know how easily I can become overwhelmed (though I haven’t felt it like this in a couple months.)

Surprisingly, I didn’t react like I used to. It all boiled up inside, but none of it seeped out. I looked up. I asked for grace and the strength to walk in the spirit. And he came. It wasn’t a miraculous change. Really, I didn’t even notice much of a shift. But the still small voice said “It’s okay, I’m here.” And that seemed to make it much better.

I still feel a little overwhelmed, and my heart aches for time and space and maybe even the opportunity to cry for a bit, but I know that here in this tough moment, He is here with me. I am not alone. And It will all be okay!

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