What does the fear of God have to do with my body image
anyhow? I rolled the question around my mind and wondered if that really was
the key to the struggle that had been weighing on my mind so heavily recently.
The struggle was real! After my third boy, I had a paradigm
shift in my thinking about food. For so long, I had lived with the mentality of
fad diets and/or depriving my body in order to lose weight. Not only did I
realize that this was wreaking havoc on my metabolism, but it wasn’t glorifying
God with my body. And that’s what I was called to – 1 Corinthians 6:19 – your body
is a temple of the Holy Spirit, therefore, honor God with your body. So I
studied nutrition (extensively); I learned what God created my body to consume,
my needs, and how to enjoy the foods God provided without guilt! I lost weight –
lots. I also learned to move my body like it was meant to move, to rest, and to
manage stress in a Spirit filled way. Viva Gloria – living the glorious life.
Walking in the Spirit. It was beautiful!
Why wasn’t the weight coming off this time? I was so
frustrated. I know that my stress level was higher. I was getting less sleep.
And I was nursing an injury that was limiting my ability to move like I wanted
to. But still – I wanted more.
The truth is (and it’s nasty): I wanted people to notice
again. I wanted the compliments. And I wanted to feel good about myself. PRIDE.
Yep. That’s what it is. I was at the center of my thinking. How quickly right
motive morph into selfish desires. I started out with the purpose of walking in
the Spirit and honoring God, I slide down the slope of self-image sin.
I was more concerned about what my friend was going to say
the next time she saw me than how God could use me to minister to her heart.
My heart had become ugly. Workouts took priority (for a
while) over my time with God and my time with my sons and cost me energy
reserves that both were more worthy of. I would eat healthy (for a time) until
I got emotional and needed a quick chocolate fix or something more. Eventually,
I gave way to eating whatever I felt like again (and this definitely didn’t
help the body image cycle).
So I’ve experienced both sides of this coin. . . really
walking in step with God and being in tune with His Spirit and seeing results,
morphing into prideful body image, self-made ideals of weight loss, and shame
when results didn’t happen (and easily falling back into an “I don’t care”
mentality). –Maybe there’s more than two sides of this coin. ;)
I never really thought I had an issue with fear of man when
it came to my body. I mean, I wasn’t really scared of how other people saw me.
I’ve never been really hurt by comments or teasing. But I see now that fear
doesn’t have to mean fear in a way I understand it. When I put more value on
how others perceive me and less on what God sees in my heart at that moment
(whether it is concern for another woman or the third cookie I want to put in
my mouth), I am fearing man more than I fear God.
Father, teach me to fear you only with my body – what I eat,
how I sleep, how I move, and how I relate to those around me. And may I live
this glorious life that you’ve prepared for me – for your glory alone!
