Authentically Exhausted Mother

Exhausted! Burnt out! Tired! Done! All words that have come out of my mouth – or at least out of my heart today. Extreme phrases, such as: “I never want to take my three boys out in public again!” and “I don’t know if I’ll even survive until Wednesday.” Have also made their way across my mind. And today wasn’t even the worst day I’ve ever had as a mother. Maybe it’s just a culmination of the past few weeks. We’ve had a busier summer than normal, and our routine has been non-existent – not a good thing for this structured momma. On top of it all, the exhaustion and nausea from early pregnancy has kicked my butt this time around – yes, child number four coming in January. J As if three were not exhausting enough….

Sometimes, I wonder if I really have what it takes to be a mom – or rather, to be the mom that Christ wants me to be. So many times I feel like all I am doing is crushing my kids spirts over and over again as my voice takes on an edge that I don’t recognize – and that sometimes even scares me! I find myself begging for God’s grace, his strength, his peace, and his comfort in these moments. And every once in a while, I catch a glimmer of hope. A child prays a prayer that makes me cock my head at their emotional maturity. The older one asks a deep question. The little one shares his toy. But mostly right now, it is survival at best. Thriving is nowhere to be found.

My nose is attached so firmly to the grindstone that I miss moment after moment of the glory of God around me. Sometimes, I feel like I am just spinning so fast that I can no longer figure out how to stop my inertia because if I try, all I am going to do is fall over. So I keep spinning. I keep up this craziness, and all along I say I’m fine – even though my head feels like it may explode at any moment!

But somewhere in the back of my head (maybe in the depths of my heart), I hear, “Fall down; it’s okay. You don’t have to have it all together.” And maybe that’s just what Christ is waiting for me to do. Fall down – on my knees, on my face, admitting and evidencing that I don’t have it all together. And actually most times, I don’t even have a clue what I’m doing! And that’s okay because I am not perfect, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

So why am I airing my “dirty laundry” as some people might call it? Well, I’ve also been called to authenticity as a believer in Christ. And I know that as a member of this thing we call family, I was never intended to do this alone. So here I am, in all of this “beautiful mess” in an aim to bring God more glory than I ever have before – and I ask for your prayers. As you think of me, pray that I will rely less on me and more on Him. Pray that my heart will be in tune with His will and will be rid of my selfishness. Pray that I will learn to know my kids hearts and lead them to the heart of Christ. And in the meantime, can I be supporting you in prayer as your sister in Christ as well?

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