Yesterday morning I got up, I sought God, and I had a very sweet time! I went into my day walking in His Spirit. Feeling lead by His presence, I saw my husband, my boys, and my household duties in a new light.
But as the sun rose in the sky, so did the edge of my emotions. Several small things happened that were little thorns in my flesh - nuances, per se', but irritating nonetheless. My emotions wanted to react quickly that things were not going as planned, and I wanted the world to know it. Thankfully, still being early in the day, I cried out for God's grace and strength, gave Him these frustrations, and let them go.
We spent some time as a family in the afternoon, and by 3:30pm, both of my boys were done. They were crabby, whiny, and had an extremely hard time listening and obeying. My buttons were being pushed again. I wanted to get them down for naps as quickly as possible, but as you know, kids have a way of taking their sweet time when you most want them to hurry up. My reaction was so sudden that I didn't even notice it before it was on my tongue. I snapped at my husband and treated my boys more harshly than I should. Immediately, I was embarrassed at the steam coming out of my ears and my rapid response. I bit my tongue, not believing what I had just allowed to escape. Where was my consciousness of God's Spirit at that moment?
I sought forgiveness from those I had offended and laid down for a nap, crying myself to sleep and hoping that some rest might help clear my Spirit's vision. On waking, I felt more edgy than before. I felt wasted, exhausted, like I had given everything I was. I felt selfish. I wanted some personal time. I needed some time. I deserved some time. Hadn't I given enough for one day?
As soon as the thoughts arose, so did the guilt. How could I even be thinking these things? I want to see revival in my life...in the lives of my family. I want to seek to be like Christ. I want to glorify Him and see Him lifted up at the center of all I do. How could I even consider my own needs? Yet, despite the guilt, my desire for my own way was growing and spiraling out of control. I felt overwhelmed with how strong these desires were. I knew I couldn't control them. I felt weak, and once again I called out for God's strength to be made perfect in me at that moment. But for some reason, I didn't get an immediate empowering. Nothing miraculous happened.
My husband caught me in this moment of weakness, and received a helping of my rapidly growing emotions. Once again the guilt grew. I was failing miserably. How could this happen after such a wonderful time with God that morning. It was like a switch was flipped. I felt in sorts like Jekyll and Hyde. I composed myself just enough to let my husband know I needed a few moments, and I fled to my corner. (I have a chair, fountain, and items of comfort set around in the corner of my bedroom. It becomes my place to seek God - my prayer closet of sorts).
On arriving, I fell to my knees. My body shook as I couldn't hold back the sobs. I was trying so hard, God. I desperately want to walk with you - to have you meet me on a moment by moment basis. But then I fail so miserably! How could you ever use a weak vessel like me?
What do I do when I feel like I've failed as a catalyst of Revival?
God's Spirit met with me in that sweet time and lead my to Lamentations.
Lam. 3:21-25, 40-41
But this I call to mind, and therefore, I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to and end. They are new every morning. Great is they faithfulness. The Lord is my portion says my soul. Therefore I will hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him...Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord. Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven.
And this is what He said:
1)
Remember: You serve a merciful God. He does not reject me as a useful vessel because I don't get it right the first time. vs. 22-23
2)
Be Willing: It's not up to you to be perfect, but it is up to you to be willing... a vessel that his perfection can shine through. (The Lord is my portion...hope in Him) vs. 24
3)
Wait: He waits and longs for you to seek Him. And He desires to bless those that wait for Him. vs. 25-26
4)
Return: I
must continue to seek Him for personal revival. (Let us test and examine our ways and return.) vs. 40-41
Do you feel like you have failed? Do you feel unusable? Unfit? Weak? GREAT! God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things, and the despised things, and the things that are not to nullify the things that are so that no one can boast before Him! He's not through with you!
Join me in pursuing God. Run to Him. Ask Him to seek and know your heart. Confess that which may be brought to mind, and go and live in His Freedom and Forgiveness!
*If you'd like to read about the commitment that I have made and why, please see the previous post. Let me know if you are joining with me on this Road to Revival! I'd love to hear from you!
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