The Ultimate in Unplanned: And How to Respond

"For you formed my inward parts, 

you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." 

Psalm 139:13-14

I saw the movie “Unplanned” last night. It’s one of the most poignant and thought-provoking films I have see in a long time. It’s not an easy one to watch, but it exposes truth – truth that is so desperately needed in our culture right now.

I feel the need to write. I feel the Spirit leading, and the time is ripe to get words out to those who are willing to read them The movie got me thinking and convicted my heart of complacency on my own part.

The Ultimate Unplanned Pregnancy

The ultimate in unplanned pregnancies was predestined before the beginning of the world. I cannot help but think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was a teenager – maybe 13-15 years old. She was engaged to be married, yet a virgin. Talk about shock when she hears from the angel that she will become pregnant. That might be expected for a young girl fooling around, it may be a surprise when her methods of “prevention” don't prevent. But Mary had to ask the question, HOW CAN THIS BE since I am a virgin? (See Luke 1:26-38) It defied logic. Talk about an unplanned pregnancy.

I’m sure Mary, after submitting herself to the will of God so gracefully, started wondering how she was going to tell her parents. What would Joseph think? There was a law that a woman pregnant outside of marriage should be stoned. Was she in danger? I’m sure she felt alone. Frightened – terrified even. She knew they would all find out eventually – when she didn’t separate herself as the law required when her time of woman came each month. I’m sure she questioned whether this was the right time for her to become a mother. She probably doubted whether she had what it would take to raise a son – much less the son of God!

And I started musing over the fact that God would choose a virgin to bear his son. Outside of the necessary fact of Jesus being separate from Adam’s seed, I wonder if God chose a virgin to give us a beautiful picture of grace in the midst of an “unplanned pregnancy.”

What if it Happened Today?

I cannot help but wonder what Mary would endure if today in our culture, in our country, she found herself in those circumstances – A member of a minority group, a very young teenager, she finds out she is pregnant and no one knows who the father is, part of a religious community that scorns shame and embarrassment. Would she find the support she needed? Or would she more likely be taken to a planned parenthood clinic to “take care of the problem?” We want our daughter to have a life and opportunities. No one will accept her, much less marry her if she has a child at her age. She’s not ready to become a mother. Her parents might think. Would they see an easy out in order to protect their daughter and themselves?

What about her friends? Would they encourage her to take a simple pill so her life can get back to normal? Would they repeat the lies in her ears that it’s just a blob of tissue and cannot feel anything at this point?

How Would I Respond?

What about me? Would I pray for her, encourage her, support her, take her to a Pregnancy care center, help her look into options and love her like Christ? Or like so many abortions happening in my neighboring cities each day, would I ignore it? It’s not my problem. I cannot solve a national crisis. It doesn’t affect me. It’s not my responsibility. And some might argue that scripture isn’t even clear on the matter of abortion. I really appreciate the perspective drawn out in this article to address that issue specifically.

The problem is, it would affect me and everyone else on the planet who ever lived. Getting rid of that "blob of tissue" would have destroyed the Savior of the world and denied the possibility of salvation through Christ. Each “Unplanned” pregnancy has the potential to change the world! (This is not denying the sovereignty of God and that his plans could not be thwarted. Using this example is simply to show how God can even use unexpected circumstances to bring himself ultimate glory.)

God's Grace through Joseph

But Joseph, being a righteous man, did not want to publicly shame Mary. He put her away quietly and protected both her dignity and was a crucial instrument in protecting the innocent, beautiful life of the Son of God. He didn’t listen to the culture. He didn’t fall prey to the expectations of his neighbors or his Rabbi. He didn’t follow the requirements so stringently placed on him by the “law.” And I’m sure he was ridiculed, probably lost friends and maybe even some of his standing as a Jewish man in Nazareth.

In so many ways, the ultimate in unplanned pregnancies is set before us as a beautiful example of how we should fight for and protect all unplanned pregnancies. We should be righteous people of God like Joseph was and be willing to accept the criticism and inconvenience of moving against the tide of our culture.

Ignorant No More

We cannot ignore this issue any more. More than likely, each one of us has been touched in one way or another by the issue of abortion. The blood of millions of babies are crying out to us from the ground, and what are we doing about it?

If you’re like me, for the longest time, I simply ignored it. I wasn’t the one working in the clinic killing these babies. I wasn’t convincing women this was their right. I wasn’t involved in an unplanned pregnancy of my own or my friends’. So I wasn’t guilty (or so I thought.) Yet, as I watched the movie last night, God convicted my heart that I am guilty – very guilty. My silence, my ignorance, my lack of prayer is an overarching acceptance of the way things are in our country. I am held responsible for the massive slaughter of infants in our country. And I am sure that if I stay silent, I will be held responsible in part when I stand before God in heaven one day – as will you!

What Can We Do?

So where do we go from here? How do we begin to go against the tide of our culture? How do we rise and fight with all that is in us against this horror?

1. Educate ourselves – see the movie Unplanned. Theaters and Showtimes Not only does this movie open our eyes to the truth behind the abortion industry, but it also shows the power of prayer, love, and grace. Each time we buy a movie ticket to a show like this, we are telling the theaters that we want this and movies like this playing in our community. If you’ve seen it already, take a friend that might be impacted as well!
   
2. PRAY! Nothing moves the heart of God like His people on their knees. Check out 40 Days for Life if you’re interested in something organized or make a commitment on your own or with a group of friends to spend a certain number of days crying out to God on behalf of the unborn babies who are at risk in our country.
   
3. Find your local pregnancy care centers. Donate money or time to come along side of them. They are feet on the ground caring for women with unplanned pregnancies. These centers need our financial support, our prayer support, volunteers, donations of goods and so much more.
   
4. Don’t condemn a friend who has had an abortion. Help her to find the help that she needs. Post abortive syndrome is real, its hard, its ugly. She doesn’t need more guilt. She needs our love poured out in abundant mercy. If you've had an abortion, God's grace is enough! You are greatly loved! Also, if you know someone involved in the abortion industry, love on them, pray for them and if they want out, refer them to and then there were none.
   
5. Learn how to defend your position on being pro-life without initiating religious debate Here’s my 60 second spill:
   
   "The American College of Pediatricians (physician journal backed by scientific evidence) issued an article in 2014 stating that life begins at conception. Our Declaration of Independence states that all men [persons – members of the species homo sapiens] are created equal and as such are entitled to the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. As a conscience bearing adult, that means that I have a responsibility to stand for those who cannot stand for themselves, whether the unborn, the elderly, or the incapacitated. Their lives matter!" (outside of my personal religious convictions, this is my statement on being pro-life.)
   
6. Be a Joseph to a friend in dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Walk in grace. Support her. Help her to find the resources she needs whether it is finances, lodging, an adoption agency or simply a listening ear. Assure her she is not alone and that God’s grace is enough even now. Mary did it, Jesus was born and changed the course of history!

I challenge you as I challenge myself – don’t remain silent any longer! Our prayers, our love, and showing the grace of our merciful God can enact change if we are willing to take stand for the truth!

When "Why?" Is the Burning Question in My Heart

The other night, I held my husband as he cried – and I mean cried – (as did I) as the father in Like Arrows came in to talk to his daughter, the bride. Another hit to our hearts and realization of a moment that we will miss as parents. Though I’ve grieved over not having a little girl, I still have questions. Questions that I’m not sure I’ll ever have the answer to.

 “Why?” (I hate it when my own kids ask that question) I know well the reality that God sees all and does all things well. He doesn’t owe me an answer in any way. Yet the question lingers as a winter that seems to never end. When I consider my “why” question, I realize it actually goes deeper than just those three small letters. It’s connected to my heart. When I peel back the layers, the question looks more like:

 “Did I do something wrong?”
 “Do I not have what it takes to raise a daughter?”
 “Am I not woman enough myself to set an example for a little girl?”

Just putting voice to those questions brings up another layer of wounds on my identity and beauty.

The world constantly whispers (and sometimes screams) these scars onto our hearts. “You’re not enough.” “You’re too much.” “You can’t handle it.” “No one can handle you.” “Your heart is too deep.” “You’re unwanted.” “You’re ugly, mean, rude, selfish, etc.” On and on they go. Maybe these words came through our parent’s mouths or maybe simply in a cold shoulder when we would get emotional over a seemingly trivial issue. Maybe a sibling was the favored one and we were ignored. Maybe our arrival came at a time of intense pressure in our parents lives. Maybe our parents were wonderful, and we had a genuinely loving relationship with them, but we heard these words (verbally or insinuated) from a friend at school, from a teacher, a grandparent, a boyfriend, or an employer.

We respond in one of two ways to these wounds. We get stronger, determined that we will never be hurt in that way again. Maybe anger is the coverup, or makeup, clothes, the way we carry ourselves. Or we walk around as wounded, hurting shells of people who live in constant anxiety. We tiptoe around people who present threats, we try to please and make everyone happy and do everything in our power to not rock the boat. Ultimately, at the root of both of these responses is fear – fear that we might be found out, that someone might see though our guise, that we will be seen for what we are – either too much or not enough!

But God is loving. 1 John states that He IS Love! And perfect love drives out all fear. There is no fear in love because fear has to do with punishment. That’s it. The reason I fear, the reason we fear, is that we fear the repercussions of being found out. Will we be reprimanded again or told how we should buck up? Will that person feel like we are too much to handle and walk away? If God really sees our hearts, will even he be repulsed and draw back in disgust? What kind of punishment will we incur if we’re found out to not be who we should be?

That is at the root of my question: Is God punishing me by not giving me a daughter because of something I’ve done or not done?

As I gain clarity on the reality of my question, I realize it reveals a distorted view about who God is. And that distorted view reflects on my own identity and radiates into my wounds. We have an enemy who prowls around seeking someone to destroy (1 Peter 5:8). And he does it as a deceiver, the father of lies. Isn’t that how this whole messed up world got started in the first place? One woman taking a solid bite of one lie. Oh, how I don’t want to be her. I want to see through the lies and believe the truth. Here are the lies that I’ve been tempted to chew on recently. . .

Lie: If I don’t measure up, God will withhold his love, grace and gifts.

Truth: Romans 5:8 – “But God demonstrates his own love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I didn’t measure up to begin with. I was as far from deserving or worthy of his sacrifice as anyone, and yet He still showered me with his love and gave the ultimate gift – His life for mine. John 15 states that there is no greater love than when a man will lay down his life for his friend. Amazing Grace!

Lie: If I mess up, God will be out to get me and punish me.

Truth: Psalm 103:8 – “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him, as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” I am so grateful that God’s love is not dependent on my performance. I can rest assured, that when I mess up (and I will) he is like the father of the Prodigal Son, standing there with open arms waiting to welcome me back, full of love and forgiveness.

Lie: If I get too emotional or struggle to trust God, He will be overwhelmed by me and withdraw his presence.

Truth: Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I love the Psalms for the reality and spectrum of emotions they reveal. David was considered a man after God’s own heart, and yet he openly expressed to God feelings of anger, rage, sadness, despair, depression, doubt, fear, and so many more. God longs for us to pour out our hearts to him and be our refuge (Psalm 62). And I love how David goes on to express that even when those closest to him abandons him (his father and mother), God invites him to come close (Psalm 27:10) And Paul expresses in Romans 8 that there is nothing in heaven or earth, good or bad that can ever separate us from God’s love (vs. 31-39). What reassurance that I’m never too much for my Heavenly Father!

It’s so easy to get set in our patterns of “stinkin’ thinkin’” as a friend of mine likes to call it. These lies are made to sound so much like truth. Just like Eve facing the serpent, we begin to think, You know, maybe he’s right. Maybe God hasn’t been telling us the truth all along. But my friends, I have seen first hand the devastation that can be brought by buying into these lies. Eve took a bite, and all the future was forever changed. I want to rise above this way of thinking. I want to learn to see the truth in the midst of the lies and trust the goodness of my heavenly father, no matter what.

In order to do this, I must learn to speak truth to my heart - for my heart is deceitful. Truth is found exclusively in the Word of God. The only way we will be able to fight the lies of the enemy is by keeping the truth close at hand (buckled around our waist) and hidden in our hearts.

My "why" question can be brought before the throne of God. He's not afraid of my deepest questions, fears, or wounds. As a loving Father, he will, by His Spirit, gently guide me into all truth. And when I know the truth, the truth will set me free!

When the Right Choice is the Hard Choice and Threatens to Break Your Heart

For us, that choice had to do with our dog. “It’s only a dog.” Some might mutter while others accuse “She was your dog! How could you?” Yesterday we told our dog goodbye and watched her walk away with her new owner to her new home. The tears fill my eyes now even as I write that. I never wanted it to be this way. I had so many dreams of her being our family dog forever.

We didn’t come to the decision to re-home our dog lightly. It took months, maybe even years to really realize the truth that we were no longer capable of giving her everything she needed. Ultimately, after seeking God and talking together, my husband and I knew it was time for our Gracie-girl to find a new home – one that could give her much more attention than we could at this phase in our lives. But the truth didn’t stop the ache in my heart.

We all make hard choices, some more difficult than others. Maybe for you it was saying goodbye to a child, knowing someone else could provide them with a more nurturing home. Maybe it was letting go of a relationship you knew wasn’t healthy or best. Maybe it was choosing to say “enough” to medical intervention and watching your loved one pass away peacefully. Maybe your hard choice was a single occurrence of turning down a solid job opportunity to choose your family instead, or maybe you’ve said no time after time to the advances of a co-worker choosing to honor your marriage commitment even though it’s hard. Your choice may have been like ours to re-home a pet or say goodbye permanently so they no longer have to suffer.

As believers in Christ, we are called to look for wisdom then to obey, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Whatever your choice, I’m sure it has touched your heart as ours has mine. What do you do when the right choice is hard? What do you do when it threatens to break your heart? Here are five things that have helped me. I hope they help you too!

Don’t self-medicate. When my heart hurts, I don’t like it. I’m uncomfortable, and it doesn’t feel good. The first thing my flesh wants to run to are fillers and distractions – a big bowl of ice cream, a novel, a TV show or movie, a nap, lots of dark chocolate, maybe even a run if I have that much pent up energy. Now none of these things are wrong in their own light. God gives us all gifts for our enjoyment and delight in him. The problem comes when I run to those things first and only, when I look to the food, the drinks, the entertainment to fill me back up again.

The only source of our life is Christ. “In Him was life” (John 1:4). “In Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Anything we look to in order to bring us life other than Christ himself is a cheap substitute and ultimately becomes an idol in our lives.

Staci Eldridge addresses this problem in her book Captivating. “. . . none of these really satisfy, and so we find ourselves trying to fill the remaining emptiness with our little indulgences (we call them ‘bad habits’). Brent Curtis calls them our ‘little affairs of the heart.’ They are what we give our hearts away to instead of giving them to the heart of God” (57). The substitutes and self-medicating may make us feel better for a while, but ultimately, they will leave us empty and as unfulfilled as before.

Instead of taking my heart and hiding it or distracting my heart from the pain, I have to realize that God longs to have my heart – All of it! “You will seek me and you will find me when you seek for me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13). God cares about our aches and pains no matter how little they may seem to someone else, and he longs for us to pour out our heart to him. (Psalm 62:8)

Don’t listen to accusations. Everyone in the world has an opinion about your life – especially everyone on social media. You would not believe some of the things that people said about our decision as we were looking for a new home for our dog. People who didn’t even know me felt the freedom to condemn and insult. (That’s another post for another day) It hurt! It cut deeply. The saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” So. Not. True. Bone heal, and they heal stronger. Hearts almost always carry scars from words rashly spoken.

Our enemy likes to take these accusations along with our own hurt and exhaustion and twist them into tempting morsels for us to chew on. I have to think the prophet Elijah was in a similar boat being the only prophet to stand for God in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation. Right after he called down fire from God to the alter on the mountain and prayed for it to rain, he found himself in the wilderness so depressed and discouraged that he asked God to let him die. Jezebel was after him. He probably felt like everyone was after him. But after a nap, and as he sought God, he found him. It wasn’t in the earthquake or the whirlwind or the fire, but afterward, he heard it – the still small voice speaking truth to his heart.

Our world, our culture can be so loud. Comments can echo around our head and heart until they seem like the only truths left. But it’s not in the noise of our social media contacts that we are going to hear words of truth from the mouth of the one who assured, “I am the way and the truth. . .” (John 14:6). Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit in John 16:13, “He will guide you into all truth.” Many times, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is constantly speaking quietly to our heart, but we drown him out with our own versions of earthquakes, whirlwinds, and fires. If we step away from the noise and quiet our hearts, we will hear the tender voice of the Holy Spirit speaking truth and comfort to our burdened hearts.

Speak truth to yourself. Sometimes even after tuning out the noise of the world, I still find it hard to hear the truth. Satan, the father of lies, is crafty and cunning and will twist nearly anything to fit his own devices in continuing to steal our joy, kill our hope and defeat our effectiveness for the glory of God.

I think that may be one of the reasons that the belt of truth is mentioned first as we put on the armor of God. For a long time, I wondered why Paul included a belt in the armor. It is neither an offensive nor defensive weapon. But the more I pondered and prayed, I realized the centrality of this piece of armor to every other piece we are commanded to take up in Ephesians 6. A belt is crucial to a garment in order to keep it tightly secured. Could you imagine fighting a battle while your pants are falling down around your ankles? The other crucial job of a belt is to provide a place to store your weapons. In the same way, truth is absolutely essential in our fight against our enemy.

When I find it hard to hear the truth, I must seek it out in the Word of God! David did the same thing commanding his heart to put his hope in God! (Psalm 42). Truth about who God is, who I am, and what He has promised prove to be a healing balm to my soul and ultimately defeats the deception of the devil.

Get outside. When my heart is hurting and all I want to do is close myself up in my room, sometimes the healthiest thing I can do is to take a walk. Getting outside reminds me that the world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Seeing trees, birds, flowers (and yes, even snow) can bring hope to my heart that even in the midst of this cruel world, God is still working his redeeming plan. And exposing my heart to beauty reminds me to be thankful for the little gifts of grace that God provides.

We see season after season how fall turns to winter then winter to spring. “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). He then will also take my heart and make something beautiful once again.

Breathe. I don’t mean deep breathing or yoga. Throughout the Bible, the same words for Holy Spirit are “Ruach” or “Pneuma” meaning breath. I have to remind myself that I am not my own life source. Christ is. The vibrancy and beauty of my heart can only come through His power.

We sang a song on Sunday. “It’s your breath in our lungs. So we pour out our praise.” (listen here) I had never realized the truth of that chorus in that way before. It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through us that we can utter our Amen to the glory of God (2 Corinthians 1:20). Try as I might, I cannot praise God in the midst of the storm unless I am sustained by the very nature of who he is in me. I can do nothing on my own, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). It’s His Breath in our lungs. Let him pour out His praise through you.

This life is hard, and decisions that we must make are not without their effect on our hearts. But friends, if you are in the midst of your own hard right now, would you take my hand and walk with me as we make choices even in the middle of the hard stuff? Let’s journey this road together for two are better than one and a cord of three strands is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:9). I would love to hear how I can be praying for you in the midst of your hard thing! May God hold your hearts.

Good Grief: Why I Can't Simply "Count It All Joy"

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness” (James 1:2-3 ESV).

Growing up in the church, I heard this passage oft quoted when someone was grieved or struggling. Unfortunately, it’s a common theme among believers that grief over heartache or suffering must be short-lived if we are to prove our trust in God.

When we encounter trials, we may find it acceptable to shed a few tears, but then (if we are really mature) we pull up our “big girl pants” and push the feelings away under the title of “Trusting that God has a plan” and that “He will work all things out for good.”

I have been exposed to this process so repetitively that it has become ingrained in my mind and heart as a pattern to follow. Deep emotions are uncomfortable. They are uncomfortable to me and uncomfortable for others. If I’m really trusting God, I won’t continue to grieve, right?

Ironically, I don’t believe that’s what James intended from these verses. He goes on to say that we should allow steadfastness (or perseverance) have its full effect so that we may be mature and complete and lacking nothing. This perseverance does not mean (as many like to translate) pushing forward in our faith and pushing our emotions away. In the Greek, it is translated “hupomone’” – “hypo” meaning under and “meno” meaning to remain or endure. Strongs HELPS Word-studies goes on to explain that this is a God-empowered ability given to those who believe in him to “’remain (endure) under’ the challenges He allots in life.” Obviously, we are not being instructed to remove ourselves from the trial by our own efforts of trusting in God.

Peter echoes James’ sentiments in 1 Peter chapter 1, but I believe, though oft less quoted, he is more clear in the way he communicates. Peter begins by laying a foundational vision of the hope we have in Christ, the power and grace of his glory and the promises we can rest assured of. He then continues. “In this you rejoice, [comparable to James’ admonition to count it all joy] though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials” (1 Peter 1:6). Hold on a second. Peter brings up the reality of the emotion in the midst of the trials. We have been grieved!  This word “grief” in the Greek is “lupeo” – which means to experience deep emotional pain, sorrow, intense sadness. (Ladies, it’s the same word that’s used to describe the pain of childbirth – how is that for a visual?)

But Peter doesn’t stop there. He continues that this grief (not the “choice” to count it all joy) is so that the tested genuineness of our faith may bring Christ all the praise and the glory. And that’s our ultimate aim, right? As believers, we are called to image and glorify Christ on this earth – not ourselves. I’ve found that if I put forth my own effort to trust God, I am denying the power of God in my life and, in my pride, believing that I have what it takes to live the life of faith.  However, if I’m willing to patiently endure the process of sorrow (by the grace that God supplies), to walk through each phase with him, I will experience his comfort, his peace, his presence in ways that were never possible when I was choosing to “count it all joy” and remove myself from feeling those deep emotions. Ultimately, He will get the glory – not me – when he brings me to the other side full of inexpressible and glorious joy!

This concept goes against everything that has been ingrained in me for so long. Grief typically = tears. And I don’t like tears so much – at least not my own. Tears, in our culture, are translated as weakness. I’m a strong person if I can hold myself together. Now, tears are okay for babies, for kids, but I am a grown up. I shouldn’t cry, should I?

I came across this video as I was processing through this concept, and it opened my eyes to why crying may be a positive and not a negative. The Healing Power of Tears

Dr. William Frey, a biochemist at Ramsey Medical center in Minneapolis, studied the composition of different tears and discovered that emotional tears are comprised of water, salt, and stress hormones. Isn’t it amazing that God created our bodies with the wonderful ability to rid our physical systems of these stress chemicals? Tears serve both an emotional and a physical purpose! Tears are good.

But what if visiting the pain again or allowing myself to feel the grief and sorrow causes emotions or questions that go against what I should believe to be true? I love the way Priscilla Shirer addresses these concerns. Check this out: When You Are Going Through A Lot

So, my friends, I’m learning that it’s not wrong to feel. It’s actually okay to cry. Jesus, at the tomb of Lazarus, wept! He didn’t simply shed a couple of tears and move on. He was deeply moved in spirit and he mourned along with the other Jews at the graveside. Does this mean that Jesus didn’t believe the truth of who he was? Was he not solid in his identity? Did he not know what he was about to do? Absolutely not. He was fully God, yet he chose to be fully human. And in that moment, he suffered grief of a kind that we are all well acquainted with.

When I’m willing to endure through the grief, rather than escaping it, Jesus can come to me and comfort me in ways I would never know otherwise. And with that comfort, I can comfort others in their own struggle. This is the body of Christ. This is our purpose as a church – not to shore up ourselves to be stronger in our faith, but to allow Christ to come strengthen our faith in the struggle.

Grief is for our good.

It’s in the wrestling that we are made stronger.

Weeping may endure for the night, but great joy comes in the morning!

Don't Go It Alone: How Hiding our Hurts Opens us to Enemy Influence

I feel the threat of attacks rising as the sun tempts to rise over the horizon. Lies of the enemy just waiting to push buttons of temptation. Anything he can do to keep me from basking in the glory of the Son and reflecting that glory to the world around me. When you feel isolated, your reflection only goes so far. And when one person feels like they aren’t even reaching another, they ask what’s the point? We were made in the image of God – in the likeness of the trinity – with an innate need for fellowship. And when that need goes unmet, we easily distort our perceptions of reality into contortions similar to mirrors in the funny house. Nothing makes sense, we don’t know which way is up or which way to turn. Confused and exhausted, it’s easy to ask, what’s the point? And desire to give up completely.

But the truth is, we are never alone. Never. For one, He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He is here. Always. And not only is he here, but his arms are open wide and he invites us into his loving embrace. Not condemning. Not chiding. Simply loving, forgiving, encouraging us on this difficult journey.

Secondly, we are being watched – by someone. Constantly. Spouse, kids, parents, siblings, social media contacts, the cashier at the grocery store, the person driving in the car next to you, the barista at starbucks, the teacher, the student, the patient, the coach, the athlete, the boss, the employee. And they too, each one of them is longing for connection whether they realize it or not. Naturally, as humans, we reach toward each other, even those we don’t know simply to be reminded that we are as human as they are. Each eye that watches you looks to catch a glimpse that there is maybe, possibly, more to this life than just surviving. They are looking for hope. They are looking to you. They are looking to me. No, we are not alone, we are very much surrounded.

But our enemy secures our blinders and makes sure we keep our eyes down so that we don’t make those connections. He wants us to feel alone. As Lysa Terkeurst says about our enemy, “If he can isolate us, he can influence us” (It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, 150). Satan wants his voice to be the loudest sound we hear. Lies like: You’re a failure. You’re not good enough. You’re too much. It’s not worth it. Just give up. His purposes are clearly lined out in scripture. He has come to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). And what better way to steal our joy, kill our hope, and destroy our effectiveness than to bring us to a point of isolation and despair.

John 10:10 doesn’t stop there. Jesus goes on to say, “But I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Life - made a living being, coming directly from the breath of God breathed into Adam and has been breathing into us by the power of his Spirit ever since. We are living creatures, Imago Dei – made in the likeness of God – and as such we are made for relationship. But when we hide due to our hurts, our wounds, and our fears, when we struggle with concern over what others think of our hearts, we isolate ourselves and open that door to being influenced by the enemy again.

Our Christian culture has convinced us that its most holy to be joyful (or at least be okay) with the difficulties. James 1 is oft quoted when trials arise, “Count it all joy.” And yes, that is our obligation – eventually. The problem arises when we don’t allow time for grief. Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus (even though he knew the truth of who He was and what he was about to do.) Jesus again mourned over Jerusalem (though he was about it rescue all who believed in Him through his sacrifice.) “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crusted in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). And in Romans 12, we are instructed to weep with those who weep.

Life hurts. It’s hard. This sin stained place is suspended between the fall of Paradise and the not yet fully redeemed. And it’s okay to grieve that. Grief, is good. Tears heal. Your wound may not look like mine, but that doesn't make it any less significant. Now may be my time for weeping. Now may be yours. Joy will come in the morning (maybe tomorrow, maybe days from now.) And the truth is, in the midst of our sorrow, we can still trust that God is good, that he works all things for good, and that He loves us. Oh, how he loves us.

For now, if you’re here (or if you’ve been here, but you’ve been encouraged to move on too quickly), I encourage you to stay for a while. Linger. Allow the feelings to surface, and pour out your heart to God – He is our refuge (Psalm 62:8) and he cares so very much for each little (or big) thing that has wounded his children’s hearts. Don’t stay alone in your pain. Share it with a friend. Talk to a counselor if you need to. Close the door to isolation, and close the door on the enemy’s influence. Jesus is Jehovah Rophe’ – our healer. And he will see to it that your wounds are well tended.

Friends, if someone opens up to you about their pain, listen, don’t preach. It’s okay for us to grieve. It’s okay for it to hurt. We can be sorrowful yet joyful in the hope of God’s glory at the same time. It is possible! Let’s get back to living life to the full like Jesus intended – in true fellowship with one another!

It's a(nother) BOY!

I very much disliked being at church today. From the trite responses to the sympathetic looks about our news of our 6^th boy on the way, to how I felt like I had to justify our decision to be done to some and defend our decision to continue having kids to this point to others, I rapidly grew exhausted of the game. I didn’t feel freedom to be completely honest with anyone I encountered today, and that fact alone makes church so hard. When I feel like I have to wear a mask around our church family, there’s just something that seems wrong about that. Family should equate to authenticity. Unfortunately, many times heavier masks are worn in the church setting than anywhere outside of it. And we continue to suffer in silence. If you grieve, you’re not trusting God or being joyful, right?

So, I’ve started wondering, what would it look like to take mine off: to decide that I’m rooted enough in who I am in Christ and in where he has led us in our decisions that it doesn’t matter the response we get, to be willing to answer honestly when I’m asked about disappointment with another boy, to take the time to explain the journey Christ has my heart on now, and if the tears come, allow them to willingly. What I’ve always thought as strength – holding it all together – is really just fear of man. Choosing rather to be who I am, where I am, dealing with what I am and being willing to share that no matter the outcome – that is true strength.

From the moment we found out we were pregnant again, I had a gut feeling that we were having another boy. That first day, when we saw the positive test, we easily agreed on his name: Nathaniel Benjamin – Treasured gift of God, son of my right hand. I joked with friends early on that we were probably having another boy – that’s our trend, right? Why change a good thing? I reasoned that I would deal with strong emotions either way – another boy would be easier. I had everything I needed. I wouldn’t need to re-learn to parent. And having a girl brought up certain concerns as well – namely her safety as she grew up in this crazy world. Yes, a boy would just be simpler. But my heart still leaked longing for some pink in my house, some bows, some frills, some glitter – something other than sheer male energy, dirt, bugs, sports, wrestling, “bad-guys”, and things constantly randomly getting broken. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of those things (well, minus things getting broken). I love my sons with all of my heart, but a piece of me still longed for that girl – to be able to share just a piece of my feminine side and have it innately understood and appreciated.

Twenty weeks came, and with it our ultrasound. We didn’t get a clear picture of parts, but the tech thought she saw boy parts. I took this as a definite maybe and began to process the news. But since we weren’t 100% convinced, we did a blood test to verify her assumption. The results came back on Thursday – 100% boy!

I am so excited that we are adding Nathaniel to our family. I’m thrilled that I won’t have to buy anything extra, that we won’t wind up with a double amount of toys in the house, that we are familiar with having sons, that we can look forward to many challenging adventures in the days to come, that Jeshua will have a male playmate close in age. But that’s where it gets complicated – we’ve been seeking God about our family size. We’ve been seeking wisdom. We’ve emptied ourselves of our own desires and asked God what his desire is for our family. After much prayer and conversation, we’ve determined that this is our number: six boys to raise for the glory of God. We long to be faithful with what he has blessed us with, and we feel like God has other ministry opportunities on the horizon for our family. With that in mind, six young men to change the world is God’s best for us. So that means this is it. This is the end of that subtle longing for a girl. I’m closing the door on this chapter. People ask if I’d like to try again, and in all honesty, my answer is no. I don’t feel God calling us to that. Not to mention, we very well might have another boy anyway if we did try.

We’ve never “tried” for a girl. We’ve had this many kids because we felt like God was leading us to have this many. And obviously, he wanted us to have six sons. I’m okay with that. Yet, this is where my joy turns bittersweet. The tears well up, fill my eyes and spill over as I consider things I will never get to enjoy with a biological daughter.

I grieve over never having the opportunity to look in my child’s eyes and see a tangible piece of myself. (Everyone claims all the boys look like Jared.) I grieve over the thought of missed tea parties, princess parties, and playing house with dolls. I grieve over never having the opportunity to teach a daughter about modesty, being a lady, shaving, periods, never getting the opportunity to go wedding dress shopping with a girl. I grieve not being able to welcome my daughter into the role of motherhood herself, over not having a kindred spirit to share our hearts over coffee or tea, over missing out on girly shopping in general. I grieve over not having chick flick nights. I grieve over not having hair to braid or teach about the deeper beauty that resides on the inside. I grieve over lost sparkles, frills, and twirling. I grieve over not having a daughter to share my heirlooms with – dolls and treasures. I grieve over hopes built up over years, clothes thoughtfully chosen “just in case.” I grieve over not being able to share my name or my grandmother’s name with a child. I grieve over hopes and dreams that are being washed away as the tears wash down my cheeks.

Out of all of this, I’ve realized that it’s really okay to feel this way. It doesn’t mean that I love my son any less. My tears don’t show some underlying weakness. And even if I hid it all, pushed it away, lived in logic and told myself to be okay, God wouldn’t be tricked by my mask or façade. He sees and knows my heart and my very deepest longings – he’s the one who put them there in the first place. He cares that my heart is breaking. He cares that I feel there’s a hole that will never be filled. He takes my tears and places them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). There is a time for grief (Ecclesiastes 3:4). And now is that time for me. But I can also be encouraged by the fact that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

In the meantime, friends, if you see tears in my eyes when I talk about my son, give me grace. If you see me swallow hard when I see a pretty girly dress, a little girl twirling, or a princess tea party, just know that it hurts a little. If I hesitate when you ask if I’m disappointed, just know that there’s so much more to the story. And if I cry, just give me a hug. I’ll be okay. I know God’s got this. I trust him. And in the meantime, I will continue to pour out my heart to him – God is my refuge (Psalm 62:8). 

How to Walk Worthy in 2019

I feel something inside me changing. I’m not sure what it is or what it will look like yet. But I want to share it – to help others find the same abundant life. This word study that I have been looking into – “peripateo axios” (Walk Worthy Eph. 4:1, Colossians 1:10, 1 Thessalonians 2:12). Circumferential and fully encompassing of every area of life with a center axis point at which everything else rotates. So, to put that in English: each area of my life (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, mental, hormonal, etc.) finds its anchor point in the person and work of Christ and in the purpose of bringing him glory by being intimately connected to him in each and every moment. Decisions are made, actions carried out, fruit produced in the strength of and for the glory of God alone. Optimal health for his glory. Optimal growth for his glory. Optimal outreach for his glory.

It would be easy to hold off on the “start” of this journey until I can really lose weight – I’m halfway through pregnancy, so that’s not happening anytime soon. Or part of me could easily fall into self-striving in an attempt to find this ideal in every area of life. But that’s not what my heart is being summoned to at this point.

In the old Testament, believers in the promise and followers of the Torah were instructed to give a tenth (a tithe) of their first fruits toward the growth and development of the temple. Many today, still follow that principle in their finances, but what would it look like to take that a step further? We are told that our bodies are now temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). What would it look like to invest 10% of our time, energy, and focus each week to provide for the growth and development of where the Holy Spirit resides? We are the church – are we at optimal performance for the glory of God? Is my body, mind, and heart functioning at a point that I can fulfill the will of God? That’s the whole purpose of walking worthy – that we may be fully pleasing to Him in every way.

In my current state, can I be the wife or mother God has called me to be? In my management of stress, nutrition, fitness and rest am I living in such a way as to optimize time, energy, and focus for the things of God or am I more likely to be self-indulgent in my food, activities, and entertainment choices? Just some questions I’m pondering as we approach this new year.

I want 2019 to be different. I want to start now - taking steps toward finding that deeper communication with the Holy Spirit on a moment by moment basis so that whether I eat or drink or whatever I do, it can all be done for the glory of God.

Wanna join me? A journey like this will look different for each person, but I’d love to share mine and hear what God is teaching you as you venture down this road of walking worthy of the Lord.