Comfort In the Wake of Crisis: Our Personal God

I just want my husband back, I thought as I stomped up the road and tried to make sense of the journey we had been walking. It was day two of EMDR therapy for my husband’s PTSD and anxiety. I wasn’t seeing many improvements despite the fact that we felt like God opened every door for this counselor to work with Jared in this time.

I was fuming. I was exhausted from the roller coaster of emotion. I was weary of carrying the load for our family for the past eight weeks. I was done with the fear over whether my husband might be up all night again, have another panic attack, and leave me to provide for myself and our six sons while he was on medical sabbatical from work. To top it all off, in the midst of his crisis, our family had downsized and moved into a smaller house. Stress was eating me. Anger rose in my soul. It was all so unfair.

Sanctuary

Four blocks down the road, I saw a steeple. Making a beeline for that church, I ached for a sense of closeness to God; my heart felt so abandoned. I looked up at that cross with tears in my eyes. “Do you even see me? Do you even care?” I slowly circled through the path in the courtyard and around the front of the building. Feeling lost in the shadows, I stepped back to the brick wall up front and sat down.

This Crisis

This crisis wasn’t something I asked for. I never expected this would happen to us. My husband was the strong one. Sure, he had experienced and seen hard things in his career as a morgue assistant and now as a paramedic firefighter, but he handled it well. Or so I thought. Until one day, the life stress of our move, our overcommitment, the unexpected death of his grandfather, and a tough call at work all piled up and sent him into a crisis of adrenaline overdrive, insomnia, panic, and anxiety.

Eight weeks had passed—weeks of chaos, unknowns, kids being shipped to caregivers and back home because of daddy’s instability, not knowing when the next wave of panic might hit or how hard. Would he be present? Or would he get that distant look in his eyes, turn inward, and need me to help him through the struggle?

Finding him curled up in the corner shaking in fear terrified me. Hearing him wrestle with dark thoughts, hopelessness, and brief thoughts of suicidal escape had me near panic, but I knew I couldn’t be weak. I had to hold it all together. Would we get through this? Would he be able to return to work? Would I ever feel safe or protected or able to be vulnerable again?

Strange Juxtaposition

I sat on that brick wall, gazing at the ornately carved church doors. The building rang of history, being near one hundred twenty years old. I imagined the people coming to seek God, to draw close. The strange juxtaposition of my heart surprised me. I was angry at God for forcing my hand, as it seemed to me, down this path of mental illness. I wanted to yell at God. I wanted to scream out how I felt so abandoned, so alone. And at the same moment, I wanted to collapse weeping into His loving arms. I needed Him to hold me. I needed to feel His nearness like I never have before. I needed to know it was all going to be okay.

Lead me to the Cross

I felt a nudge in my heart and a tune float through my head. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, and quickly looked up Hillsong UNITED “Lead me to the Cross”.

Savior I come. Yes, I was ready to come. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore.

Quiet my soul, remember. I felt a hush grow over my heart as I focused my eyes on that cross high above my head. Yes, I needed to remember.

Getting Personal

Throughout my husband’s crisis, I had been forced to run to Jesus like I never had before. Growing up in a Christian home, I could recite verses about so many truths on God’s character, his consistency, his comfort. But even though I knew these verses intellectually, I hadn’t personalized them.

Woven in and out of the Epistles, a special word is used numerous times - “knowledge.” This word is “gnosis” in Greek and means personal and experiential knowledge (See Ephesians 3:19, Colossians 1:10, 2 Peter 1:3). This form of knowing was not simply passed down information from one person to another. It wasn’t simply understanding or even believing. It went even deeper than that. This knowing was where the rubber met the road, where the truths in God’s word went from words on a page that I chose to believe to words that the Holy Spirit made personal to me. 

In the darkest of moments, when my husband would cycle his thoughts, pacing through the house in a panic, I would find myself curled up in my chair with tears streaming down my face crying out to Jesus. Hold me, Papa. My husband can’t right now. I am so scared. I feel so alone. I would just sit. I would be still. I would be held. And the Holy Spirit would whisper to my heart. 

You are never alone! You are never alone! You are never alone!

And when my husband would feel threatened and be afraid of personal threat, I would feel frightened too. Again, I would curl up asking Jesus to hold me. Papa, I’m scared. My husband is scared. I don’t feel safe. And Jesus would comfort me.

You are always safe! You are always safe! You are always safe!

When the journey continued over the course of days and weeks with no end in sight, I cried out to Jesus and asked how long I must endure. Will this never end? Is there even hope? And Jesus whispered tenderly.

There is always hope. There is always hope. There is always hope! 

Those three statements became what I clung to in the following weeks leading up to the EMDR therapy. God had gotten personal with me, reminding me that he was a personal God and that his truths were true for me too! I am never alone! I am always safe! There is always hope!

New Truth

In this moment, I heard His gentle whisper once again. Remember, Hannah. You are never alone! You are always safe! There is hope! Yet I felt like there was more God wanted to make personal in this moment.

He pointed his finger at my heart. I valued justice, and in my anger, I wanted my husband to know how deeply he had wounded me. Jesus gently reminded me that He is the one who judges justly, and that all would give an account one day – my husband for the mistakes he made and myself for the ways I chose to hold onto anger and bitterness. But there was another option. Hannah, entrust your journey to me. Justice will be done!

All of the pain, all of the tears and sorrow, all of the fears, all of the ways I had given (and many of the ways I had not), they were not forgotten. God had been present each moment of this crisis, each moment of my life. And I could rest in the fact that in eternity, all would come to light. Each will be rewarded according to what he has done. My efforts were not in vain. Even if my husband didn’t see what I had done, even if he never said thank you, even if I felt taken for granted for the rest of my life, God knew. When I felt the certainty of the unfairness of it all, I could rest in the fact that God greatly valued the suffering I was experiencing, and one day if I remained faithful and trusted my just judge, all would be made right!

Justice will be done! There is hope! You are always safe! You are never alone!

My friends, I pray that God will make himself known (gnosis) personally to you, wherever you are, whatever your struggle. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He be gracious to you and turn his face toward you, and may He give you peace. Amen and Amen!

Christian Community: Being the Arms of Jesus to a Friend in Crisis

*This is a post I wrote about how others ministered to our family during my husband’s struggle with PTSD. Right now, our culture is volatile. People are hurting. They are wondering who will listen, who will love them, who will see them. We have a choice as believers to surround those who are hurting and feeling so misunderstood. We have an opportunity to reach out like never before to stand against injustice and to demonstrate the love of our gentle, peace-making Savior! The situation of our family’s crisis and the circumstances surrounding racism and injustice are not the same; however, the principles of how to care for people who are hurting remain constant. Facing racism and injustice can elicit its own crisis situations, and prolonged exposure to dehumanizing treatment can be its own form of PTSD.

November 2019: My husband experienced a PTSD crisis that rocked our world. After the initial night of constant terror, anxiety, panic and insomnia, I was lost at how to move forward, what to do, who to call. What were we going to do with our six boys? How were we going to find help? 

Thankfully, we were connected to some friends who are counselors, and by the grace of God, we were able to contact them for wisdom in the middle of the night. In the days to follow, we saw the body of Christ step up in ways like we’ve never experienced before. We witnessed a beautiful picture of how Christ uses his church to meet needs by each using their own gifts. The following are some ways we were blessed.

If you have a friend who is experiencing pain or facing crises and you don’t know how to help, here are some places to start helping them feel the arms of Jesus!

Listen

It seems this should go without saying, but the greatest gift some of our friends gave us during the crisis was the gift of listening. In The Grief Recovery Handbook, John James explains that the listener should picture themselves as a heart with ears. Listen to understand. One of my best friends offered her ears on a “whenever needed” basis. I felt the freedom to call her when I was overwhelmed, when I had questions, and when I just needed to vent. She didn’t allow my strong emotions to threaten her, but routinely asked a simple question, “What do you need from me right now?” This allowed me to be honest about whether I just needed a sounding board or if I needed someone to help me brainstorm and think through a situation.

Allow Room

Mental health crises are unpredictable. Both the one in crisis and the caregiver may experience a broad range of emotions. Know that there is not a one-size-fits-all predictable pattern that will be followed. Allow your friend room to feel -- whether it is anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, worry, or even panic. Know that feelings don’t have a permanent staying power, but can typically be expressed and released. Honor the feelings that your friend is experiencing. The significance of an event is in the perception of the receiver. Please don’t try to stamp your perspective on their suffering. 

Don’t Judge

Even being in the medical profession, I struggled with my perspective on mental health until I experienced it personally. It’s easy to think that if someone just had better life management or a stronger prayer life that they wouldn’t experience these struggles. Our counselor helped us to see the light when they explained that God created us integrated beings with a mind, will, and emotions along with our bodies. Our minds and emotions can only handle so much before they need a break, and if we haven’t learned to listen to them they eventually override all physical and mental processes in order to have their needs met. Anyone can reach a breaking point. It is not your friend’s fault. It’s simply the ways they have been taught and empowered to care for, or not care for, their being as a whole. With a rare exception, most people do the best they can with the information they have been given.

Don’t Preach

As we were journeying through this crisis, the most discouraging “help” we received were people who thought they were offering wisdom from God’s Word. Don’t get me wrong. God’s Word is living and active and powerful! But in the heat of a crisis, the brain cannot process on a logical level because the lower brain has hijacked everything else. Trying to encourage your friend to “count it all joy” or to “cast all their cares on Jesus” may very well push buttons of failure, making your friend feel like they once again don’t measure up and heaping guilt on an already overwhelmed soul. There will come a time for speaking truth, but in the crux of a crisis it may do more harm than good.

Encourage Them to Seek Help

Sometimes a crisis extends beyond our area of expertise. When my husband was awake all night long with fear and panic, I knew we needed to find a way to help him sleep. We sought the help of our counselor friend, took a trip to the ER, and spoke with our family doctor. 

If your friend is struggling with sleeping, with being overcome by panic, or with maintaining daily routines and engaging in life, encourage them to see a counselor or their doctor. Sometimes, this conversation can be difficult, and the timing has to be right for your friend to accept your suggestion. Medications can be a tremendous help in calming the body systems so that someone can learn the skills they need to keep their emotions and mind in a healthy place. 

If your friend shows signs or talks about harming themselves or others, seek help right away. If the counselor or doctor’s office is not open, you can always go to the ER or call the National Suicide Lifeline which is available 24/7.

Offer (Sometimes Insist) Practical Help

One of my major concerns when we were first faced with the crisis was what I was going to do with my six sons while I was caring for my husband. We have some close friends that took them for the day while we pursued medical help. They wound up keeping them overnight and ultimately opened their home to our sons for as long as necessary to see my husband on a healthy path. For a week, my boys were loved on by our friends and family while we tried to reach a stable point. 

Our Church body really stepped up at this time. We were in the midst of selling our home. We had projects to complete and boxes to pack. Ladies brought meals and helped pack boxes and clean our home. Men helped us complete the projects, take care of the yard, and loaded the trucks. We saw the people of God using their gifts to serve us, and we felt the love of Jesus through their help.

When someone is in a crisis, the last thing they want is to appear that they don’t have it all together. Simply asking if they need help may result in a simple, “No, we’re good.” Please don’t take that answer. Look for ways to jump in. Take the kids for an afternoon playdate. Bring a surprise coffee or flowers. One of my friends dropped by several times just to give me a hug! Offer to help with housework, bring a meal, or help with a project. If they don’t mention a need, look for one. 

Don’t Forget the Caregiver

Finally, please don’t forget the caregiver. While the person in crisis has tremendous needs, the caregiver is often overlooked. We carry much of the burden while our loved one is in crisis -- taking over extra responsibility, sacrificing sleep, and carrying our own burden of concern. Many caregivers may reach a point of caregiver burnout or even their own secondary trauma as a result of their loved one’s crisis. Ask them how they are holding up, and be willing to listen. Offer extra hugs and allow space for their emotions. In my case, my husband had always been my emotional sounding board, but in his struggle, he wasn’t able to be there for me. My friend opened her ears and her heart to mine and gave me a safe place to land when my husband couldn’t provide that. 

Consider whether the caregiver may need a break. When my husband was most unstable (for about four weeks), I was with him 24/7. I couldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t leave him with our kids. He couldn’t even drive himself to appointments. I am so grateful for one of my husband’s friends who came over to hang out with him and my sons so I could get a cup of coffee a couple of times. Those small bits of reprieve gave me what I needed to refresh and be ready to give to my husband again.

We were blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by our Church community during my husband’s crisis. In listening, encouraging your friends to seek help, offering practical assistance and caring for the caregiver, you too can be the arms of Jesus to your friends in need. 

 

The Role I Never Asked For

“Be here now” is a phrase that hangs on my living room wall. It’s also a common phrase to hear tossed around my home as well as that of my extended family. The concept is simple. The practice, not so much. Behind this phrase lies the idea of learning to be present, to be engaged, to not be worried and concerned about many things. Yes, I tend to have a Martha heart, so the goal of being present is one I constantly strive toward.

Each year, I prayerfully choose a word to make my aim for that year. 2020’s word happens to be “Present.” I anticipated simplifying, letting some things go, and taking on less responsibility. What I didn’t expect was the precursor battle over where I would need to be present.

Leading up to the shift in decades, I thought I knew where I would be when the twenty-teens turned the corner. I would be in a smaller house with less commitments, I would be homeschooling my boys, working part-time, and basically choosing where to invest my extra time. But my journey took an unexpected turn when in early November, my husband experienced a crisis of anxiety, panic, and insomnia that we later learned was connected to complex PTSD.

My semi-predictable world was turned upside down. Our home was under contract to be sold and we were negotiating projects to be completed before closing. I was managing guests and maintenance at our AirBnB property a town away. I was homeschooling our sons. And now, in the midst of my husbands near daily struggle, I found myself alone in managing much of life and thrust into a new role that I never asked for.

Mental illness is something that happened to other people, not us! Really, if anyone lost it, it should have been me. My husband was a rock! Now, I couldn’t be strong enough to make him feel safe. I found myself having to learn to listen to deep, dark struggles and scary thoughts – honestly, they scared me too, but he needed me to be his safe place. I couldn’t allow myself to struggle. My routine driven nature that thrived on set expectations was stretched in extreme flexibility as I ebbed and flowed with my husband’s needs. The questions were endless. And I felt alone, so alone.

Recently, I was challenged to take an honest look at where I am in life right now – to answer questions objectively, to accept with grace the place God has allowed (and privileged) me to be in, then to fully immerse myself fully present in the where that I happen to be.

I was posed with questions to ponder. Question like: Has something recently changed in your life? Does a member of your family require more from you in this season? Is a loved one struggling with anxiety, panic, or a sickness? I felt like this woman had a secret portal in looking at my past few months. I felt struck by the questions, and as I considered the answers, I saw how I had been denying reality all along.

Each time the thought of my husband struggling with a mental illness would arise, I would quickly push it to the side. Anytime I was overwhelmed by my new-found responsibilities, I would look to the future convincing myself it would not always be this way. I found ways to escape my present reality by keeping myself busy, by investing in my sons, by eating ice cream. I wasn’t present. I was fighting the role I had been given with everything I was. I didn’t want to be where I was. I wanted things to go back to normal.

Care-giving is excruciating when you expect to be the one cared for. I found myself here as my husband's and my roles shifted for a season. I had to be strong because he was weak. I had to face my deepest fears head on: being alone and not feeling protected. I felt responsible for so much from the sale of our home and our upcoming move, to the stability of our sons, and the health of my husband. I didn’t like it one bit. I despised where I was. I hurt so much.

It’s 2020 now, and I long to be present. But I realize that in order to be here now. I need to understand where I am. And in order to understand where I am, I must admit and accept where I have been. As I look back over the past several months, I see that I was given a critical role at a critical time. It was a role that only I could fill. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t like it. But the reality is that God allowed it. Not only did he allow me to walk this path, but he equipped me with everything I needed for each step of the journey. His grace and his power was more than sufficient. And He was with me each step of the way.

My change in roles was a challenge I never expected. It caught me off guard. I felt displaced and wounded. And as I’ve realized that it is okay to admit that, I’ve started to open my heart and my hands. I’m learning to hold my emotions gently, to be honest with myself and God about what was hard and why and allow him to bring healing and hope there. Admitting where I was and accepting that role, I’m opening myself to be where I am now.

The present phase of our journey is not as intense as it was. In many ways, we’ve found healing and we are moving toward healthy balance in our roles once again. Where I am right now is in a season of transition, and I must be willing to accept my where now in order to fully engage in the present.

Your role may not be like mine. Maybe singleness is the role you never asked for – barrenness, being widowed or divorced. Maybe it’s a diagnosis that started the role of a patient. Maybe your role is caregiver for a parent, a spouse, a child, or even a grandchild. Maybe it’s a financial season of hardship, the necessity of an extra job to provide or cutting corners of your budget. Maybe you are enduring a strained relationship and your role is to be the one to reconcile. Or maybe your loved one has deployed and your are left to manage the home front and feel so alone.

A change in roles can be excruciating, challenging, disheartening, discouraging. And that’s okay to admit. Hold your emotions gently. Honor the way the role is making you feel and know that you can pour out your heart to Jesus when your role seems too much to bear. Then be there. Be all there. Be brave, my friend, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!

"Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with every good thing to do His will. And may He accomplish in us what is pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen" (Hebrews 13:20-21).