Life to Life and Heart to Heart

It has been quite a while since I've written on this blog. And for some time now, I have been wanting to share what God has been doing in my heart and life this spring. I've been on a journey of what it really means to live in the Spirit - to walk, moment by moment in His presence: To live fully.

Saint Irenaeus made a famous statement: "The glory of God is man fully alive." And that's the journey I've been on - discovering what it is to live fully in His presence, each moment, each day. I'm still on this journey, and I would like to take you with me.

I had been debating writing blog posts about my experiences and what I'm learning, but I don't think I can embellish it any more than my heart has already expressed it. The best way to speak to a life is with a life; the best way to speak to a heart is a heart. So, if you will allow me, I would like to share my journal/prayers with you so you can see what God has been doing in my heart - my struggles, my triumphs, my deep emotion. Warning: some of this is raw, but I know that transparency and openness opens the doors for greater growth.

Over the next several days, these posts may be a little longer as I am trying to catch you up on the last few months of journal entries. I pray that your heart is challenged as my heart has been. Blessings on you!

Journal (starting Mother's day 2013)

 

May 12, 2013

 MOTHERS DAY! And I really wanted to even avoid getting this time alone for my heart in the first place. It’s just too overwhelming. Nothing even makes sense how I could ever reconcile who I am and who I feel I should be….Thinker, future planner, organizer, doer…. Or present, in tune, involved, fully alive. They seem opposite and scream for each their own way. The pull between the two nearly ripping my heart in two right now. Demands, demands from my own needs, demands from my kids, demands from life – both controllable and uncontrollable. Some things I can make fit, barely. But what about all the others that threaten my very existence?
 

No longer bound to the law – but to love. How many times do I choose not to act in love each day… Love God, first and foremost. Love others. But I almost err on loving myself – and that’s not love to either God or others. But then I ask the question – Doing budget, and paying bills – who is that loving? Is it merely a necessary evil? A demand on my time that has no morality or reward? What about if I didn’t complete those things because I wanted to use that time to “love” those around me …. When the electricity, gas, and hot water go because we cannot afford them, and we have no food on the table because we cannot afford it….who is that loving then? So it does have its place, but what about when Eli and Gabe are vying for my attention and I just need to get it done so that I can play with them, read to them, or get them something else to eat. How do I communicate the importance of what I’m doing to such little minds. And when I’m interrupted 12 times in an hour, it takes so much longer to even get done.
 

 So then back to the main question. Who am I? Who did God create me to be? Surely they can be reconciled!!! God would not create something impossible. He has a special plan, a special purpose, and I want so badly to live up to that full potential. But how?
 

 I feel I repetitively ask this question. So what am I missing?
 

 I try to fit in big rocks first – but what if You have too many?  The handles of the pack just keep breaking. If I cannot figure out how to carry simply my big rocks, how can I keep carrying everyone else's? Even if they are little ones, I cannot carry them if my pack is dysfunctional.
 

 What’s the secret? I know it’s not merely planning, organizing, and thinking…some of it has to be deeper – trust, listening, waiting, walking, stepping, thanking, being. How do you learn each of these things if you’ve never been taught.

 

 

 I really never had a good example of that kind of lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I had great parents, but they didn’t know how to BE well. They did a great job planning, thinking and doing. But being, what is just being? I know that cannot be one’s mentality at all times, but how do you adapt that mentality if you’ve never been shown?

 

5/13/13

Father, I’m torn. I read Rachel’s blog about all of the weight that she has lost and kept off, and I too, want to go on some radical, body cleansing, diet to lose weight fast. But I know in my heart, my purpose for that rapid weight loss would be for my own benefit – the way I feel about my body and the way that others look at me. In my heart, I also know that my body is your temple, yet I haven’t been treating it as such recently. Though I’ve been doing some workouts and eating somewhat healthy, I’ve continued to go to eating first when I am emotional or tired. I’ve filled my house with sweets and felt like a victim that must consume them so that they will be gone and I can start over again. I’ve become a slave to that which I worship. Food. Body image. Exercise. There’s this ambiguous thought of the perfect weight and body that I should be, and really, my focus has been on that rather than my heart before you and my submission to your will when it comes to my body and mind.
 

 Lord, I am not my own. I am bought with a price, created in your image to be like Christ Jesus. I have been given his Mind. I have direct communion with the Head, and I want to grow as you have created me to grow – in my heart, my emotions, my mind, and my body. I confess that I haven’t been living in the freedom of the Spirit – I’ve been living according to some sort of rules and regulations (what my body should look like, be capable of, and human ideas of nutrition – or rather weight loss strategies.)
 

 The weight is not my problem – my focus is. I long to understand the way you created my body. For you created both it and food. You created nutritional systems to be utilized to their fullest potential, and I long to grasp that. You’ve also created my mind. Give me wisdom as I search for your best. Help me to understand that my focus should be on your glorification in my Body and not my glorification. Forgive me for my selfish, idolatrous focus. Help me to fix my eyes on you!



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